The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It was suggested to me that perhaps my A is MY addiction.
I had not seen OR spoken to my A since May 12. I sent him a letter confessing my undying love and devotion, I sent him a text, I left him a voice mail...not a single response.
Yesterday, I passed him. He immediately picked up his phone a called me, at the same time I was calling him, we cancelled each other out and went to each others voice mails. I returned his call as he was calling me, but this time it went through. We talked, general conversation, for 12 minutes, we ended saying that he would call me later in the evening. Immediately I felt a numbing calm, a wierd sense of fullfillment and it did not feel healthy...at all, strange and consuming, but not healthy.
The rest of my day went as I had planned, drop my son off at Kindergarten, go to the laundrymat, fix dinner, and at 10:15 pm he STILL had not called me.
I called him. The first time it went to voice mail. I hung up. The second time it rang just a few times and was disconnected ( I am guessing he picked up and hung up ) the third time it went to voice mail. I left a message "A it's Jennifer. My daughter is home from work, just wanted to see if maybe you wanted to take a walk or go an sit somewhere. I would really like the opportunity to talk to you, just be alone together and talk, that is all I am needing and asking for right now. If you dont get this message tonight, just call me tomorrow. I miss you a bunch. Bye A"
He did not return the call and I have had no word from him so far this morning.
When I woke up, immediatley I wanted to drop my son off with my mother, call off of work and go to his door. He cannot ignore me if I am right there on his freakin doorstep and I just "know" if he has me in his presence I would be hard for him to resist and turn away, OK. Bells going off in my head - OBSESSIVE UNHEALTHY behavior.
I DO 100% BELIEVE THAT MY "A" IS MY ADDICTION
I got my fix when I heard his voice and had a minimal conversation with him. I went into my weird zoned out mental and emotional and physical state, probably like being high I am guessing. It sustained me until I knew I was supposed to get more and didnt.
I think I am scared to let him go. I have enough sense to know that it will NEVER work between us. He is an alcoholic active and sick in the disease with no apparent desire to change, has used several drugs and tends to be a pill popper, a liberal, an atheist or at best agnostic and has never really known the fullfillment of having a relationship, home, family, etc and really seems scared and confused about wanting that in his empty life. I am NOT a drinker other than very rarely on social occassions, never used drugs other than smoking pot (teens, couple time as an adult, several months ago), I am a conservative, a Christian and all I want in the world is to have a home, husband, family and a fullfilling life.
But I dont want to let go. I held him in my heart for a decade when I didnt even know where he was in the world. I re-united with him, passionately, and all of my dreams were now coming true. Then, it blew up to Hell and I have lived one day of agony after the next...but YES I do see myself becoming more positive and more healthy every day too.
I need to let him go. Let go and let God. Pray the serenity prayer and pray for my sanity to return.
I love you guys so much, if not for this group, honestly, I would not have come this far this quickly.
I got my fix when I heard his voice and had a minimal conversation with him. I went into my weird zoned out mental and emotional and physical state, probably like being high I am guessing. It sustained me until I knew I was supposed to get more and didnt.
((((Jen))))
What an analogy!!!! I think you might just be right about that. That is how it is when you have not heard from your A and do not know where he is. You feel ok until the next time you think you will hear from him. It starts all over again.
I feel like the veil is being lifted from my eyes. I am seeing and thinking more clearly. I am letting go...and for me that is HUGE.
I may love this man forever, and I know that I will.
I will date, eventually, and as time goes by I will be able to quit looking at these new men and thinking to myself "You're not A...uuuugggghhhhh...I only want A, so let's quit pretending and get me home. Dont try to kiss me or touch me. The thought nauseates me. Just pay for my dinner and take me home." I just know that is what is in store for me.
I could never be that hurtfull or rude, so I wouldnt say it out loud, but YEP I would be thinking it.
I truly thank God for sending me to this group. The honesty feels awesome.
i feel the same way. 3 years ago when my a relapsed( he is an addict as well as an alcoholic) and had an affair and decided that he wanted out of our 10 year marriage and he would see the kids when it was convient (the baby was 5 weeks old) i hit my bottom.hard. if you had put us together and had to guess who was the drug addict you would have guessed me. i dropped 30 pounds in a month, i shook all the time, i did not sleep, i couldn't care for my kids and kept dumping them at my mother's, i drove around "cracktown" looking for any sign of him, i drove by the other woman's house all hours of the night. i made insane phone calls to him. anything just to have him back because i couldn't deal with life without him. it was as if i had lost a limb. it was pure hell. i was new here at the time and i heard what i needed to hear even so it has been a long process. at every stage of recovery i heard "you are right where you need to be" which was comforting and also maddening. i couldn't quit cold turkey. for me it was a gradual thing. we got back together. but i learned alot about my self and what i wanted and need out of my life. i became stronger with the help of this program and these people. and for me, it came to a point where i was no longer addicted to him. i was healthy enough to make my own decisions. what was best for me. so i know there is hope for us all. i remember so well those thoughts and feelings and realizations. it is so hard. it truly is. but you are here and you are strong and your esh and courage is incredible. hang in there. it will get better. you will feel better...peace and love
I sure can relate. After I left my A husband of 14 years last May I still called him and took his calls. I went around by where he lived and dropped off this or that for him. Once I slid a small pizza box through the dooor when he had the chain on.
A very good friend asked me why was I doing this? I said just to be sure he is ok.
She said when you are doen with checking on him, will you go check on your brother next, and then your sister and how about me, am I on the list?
She was right of course and helped me to break my addiction. It certainly is not my job to make sure he is ok. I tried that for many years and it made me very sick.
You can get better Jen, I did and you can too.. Alanon offeres alot of help.
Have you found a face to face meeting yet?
Keep coming back
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
About twenty years ago, I found myself in a very unhealthy relationship. I LIVED for this man to call me-- which he never did when he said he would-- and affirm in some way that I was important to him. All of my feelings about myself depended on whether that call came or not. I was convinced if he cared about me, he would call. When he called, I had the "I am important" high, and when he didn't, it was the "how can he do this to me low" followed by frantic trying to contact him. This went on from the time I was 18 until I was 25. I hated myself and compromised my very core. I see now that I was hating him for treating me like a doormat but laying down at his feet and letting him walk all over me. Take care of yourself for you.
While reading your post another thought came to my mind besides the addiction part. Are you in love with the illusion of your dream, what could be?.. or are you looking at reality?
My A drank for our whole 20 yr. marriage. In the beginning it was OK, it didn't cause problems but it progressed to a point over time that I never saw him sober.
I'm sure what sustained me was the memory of how it was in the beginning, but that was lost and only a memory, an illusion on my part. I kept seeking it, but it just wasn't there to be had. It sure wasn't the reality I lived with day in and day out.
I learned to let that go and live in the day. I had to see what really IS, not hang on to what WAS and the dream I clung to. Only after the reality check could I begin to take the steps needed to heal myself.
Just food for thought.. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Really good stuff Jen, as seeing our behaviors, for what they are, is a huge step for all of us.... I would encourage you to read things on "toxic vs. non-toxic" love, (Google search - you'll find lots), and I think it will help with your perspective....
I chased and stayed with my ex-A for a long time, but it was mostly for unhealthy reasons.... I was lonely (but never lonelier than when I was with her). I needed romance and love (seldom if ever got it from her). I longed for calm and serenity (not bloody likely with an active A!! lol).
Sometimes we need such realizations to help us with our perspectives.... When I finally did leave my marriage, after many years of hanging by a thread, I remember my counsellor saying to me: "Tom, you are trying to save a white picket fence marriage, but guess what? - yours is NOT a white picket fence marriage!" I think I needed to come to that realization, before I could move on, and get myself healthy...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
OMG-I SAID that to a guy, an ex boyfriend who was letting me stay at his house when my AH got us evicted. The one rule was AH could not come over. My AH went to a sober living and no girls were allowed. I was miserable. My ex tried to hang out with me, as friends, and i told him, "I would rather be alone because you are not AH and it only depresses me more to hang out with you."
Of course, I am very self centered by nature (double winner) so it was all about me at that time in my life. But I SOOOOOOOO understand what you are going through.
A week ago I went to visit him and I had been kind of mildly depressed that week but after seeing him, I was high, so happy, totally buzzed. My roommate, who's boyfriend is in rehab (she is just in AA, not AL anon) reports the exact same thing when she sees her A on visits!!!!!
I will try to find my literature on withdrawal from SLAA (my Al anon sponsor made me go for THAT literature only) and I can PM you with it.
Do you have any hobbies? I am an artist and make random things and I started re decorating my house. It gives me a good high and it takes my mind off AH. Someone told me once that you have to find a "new project" (and passion) to replace the old one-my AH. Thats what he is, a project for me. I LIKE projects, the house, art stuff, something like that. I dont know what it is for you but maybe a replacement "project" would help you too. SOmething that gives you pleasure, not like, re organizing your filing cabinet (unless you love that).
Anyway, thinking of you, praying for you, and as always, going thru the same kind of thing...
