The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am as new as you get to this. I found out two weeks ago that my AH had cheated on me. He saw it as an opportunity to say how he really feels.....he isn't happy with our marriage....we aren't who we used to be....and he doesn't want to work at it. We have been together for almost 8 years, and that would have been different 3 years ago. Now- on the other hand- we have a 27 month old son and I am 5 months pregnant. He is leaving, but would like to maintain a "healthier family" by scheduling time when he is free. Anyway, I made feeble attempts to get him to stop drinking in the past two years, but they were unsuccessful. The day after I found out and confronted him with the affair, he proposed that he get his own place and get "treatment." He still can't say it out loud, I guess. He thinks our marriage is irretreivably broken. I am going to school right now, and won't be self sufficient for at least two years. I am very angry right now that I have to ask for help from others and that I am left holding "the bag." I am unbelievably grateful for my two sons, but am devestated to be raising them alone. I was going to attend my first f2f meeting yesterday, but there was no one to watch my son. I do not feel the same way as my husband at all. I feel like we made a commitment, and- although I want him to get help and focus on himself right now- I can't imagine a life without him permanently. I think it is very healthy for us to seperate for the time being and heal ourselves, but I love him too much to do it forever. I guess what I am looking for is some perspective. I don't understand what happened to my husband, and who this new man is. Does AA raise a veil? He thinks I am a nag and hateful and selfish, but I know that I was trying to protect us and hold things together. Do alcoholics stay blind forever?.....after treatment? Thanks for any input you can give me...
deep breath here. Alanon has a vast amount of knowledge and skills to help us to understand and live with Aism.
Number one is we learn to take care of ourselves, and stop trying to control the A in our life. We are totally powerless over their disease.
Sadly they have this disease forever. It progressively gets worse if they actively use. We have no control if the go to AA, or rehab or quit on their own. It is totally up to them.
We cannot help them in any other way, than to take care of us. I always recomment,"Getting Them Sober." Great Book.
Sadly even if they go to rehab, stop using and get on a program of recovery in AA, they can still relapse and use again. It is part of the disease. This is why it is vital to take care of ourselves and not have any expectations from them at all.
They are very sick people.
Face to face is excellent, some allow kids.
There is a meeting in our Chat room in the morn and eve.
I cannot tell you how wonderful this site is. It changed my life for the better, and has enriched it in so many ways. The people here are the best.
keep coming, keep sharing. We need you too. love,debilyn
I know when I stayed focused on my husbands drinking I became bitter and angry.
Alanon has helped me to deal with those feelings.
Here are some resources
Keep coming back
World Service Organization Website –
WWW.al-anon.alateen.org
Phone number is 1-888-425-2666
Alanon meetings 800-351-9996
Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666
Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.
Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.
Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.
· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.
-- Edited by megan at 06:08, 2006-05-23
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Welcome, To MIP and to Al-Anon. You will find love, support, encouragement and maybe even answers to so many things here. I feel your pain. I, too, was where you are. Young, newly married with a baby and no way to financially support myself. What did I do, well, I begged and pleaded my husband into treatment. Guess what, he went, and was "dry" for 10 years, dry means he did not drink, but he did not work a program either, and neither did I, so neither of us really got much better. Also, the inevitable occurred.... he picked up again. That was about 3 years ago. Unfortunately because he had not worked a program, when he picked up th actual alcohol it was as though he had never had a sober day. The disease had progressed on its own, without him drinking. (maybe a little slower than if he had been drinking, but it progressed nonetheless) So, as I said, it was as though he had never stopped and it very quickly spiraled out of control. It being, his life, our life, his use, our financial situation, our emotions. The list goes on and on. Ten years later and my kids were a bit older, I had a way to support myself, but the story was really no different, because I could not see how I was ever going to be ok by myself. I did not even know who myself was. I had become so affected by this disease that I could not even go out to dinner and choose what I wanted from a menu, I truly did not know what I wanted and was incapable of making simple choices. So we did the dance for the last years, in and out of rehabs, hospitals, detoxes. And then I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I realized that I could wait a lifetime for him to get help, hit his bottom or I could stop waiting for something that I had absolutely no control over and could focus on that which I could change... ME. That was when I found Al-Anon, about 6 months ago.
As painful as this time may be to you, it may be a gift from GOD. It makes me think of an old saying that I cannot remember exactly, something about not being able to see the trees through the forest. We get so completely enmeshed in the problems of the alcholic in our life that we fail to take care of ourselves, to see that we are also being affected. For me, I needed to remove the alcoholic from my home in order for me to be able to focus on me. We separated 6 months ago. I never wanted/don't want to get a divorce, I just knew that the insanity was too much for me to take any longer. I explained to my husband that I needed the time to figure things out, to work on my own recovery. He could choose to work on his or not, I could not control that. By the grace of his Higher Power he is sober today, had 5 months last week. And I have made a commitment to myself, for me and my children to become the healthiest person I can be, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am getting stronger everyday. This time instead of waiting around for him to get better in order for things to improve, I am taking responsibility for what I can... my own recovery. He may pick up again tomorrow, he may not, these things I cannot control. The only thing I can control is how I react.
Welcome to your journey in recovery...you are home; a place that you will find unconditional love and support, a place where you do not need to feel alone or lonely, a place that will help you find the peace and serenity you deserve. Thank you for being here, for trusting us enough to share and for reaching out. You have given us support already and may not even realize it, it is through the shares of the newcomer that allows many of us to see that we too were once so deeply affected, we too were there, but in Al-Anon, One day at a Time, things can and do get better,
