The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I posted that my AH wanted a divorce. People wrote me back and i felt okay, had a good day planned, and then he called back to say he was just stressed and not to listen to anything he said.
Experience tells me thats what usually happens with him but still...
How irritating and abusive, right? Sort of extreme for stress.
Anyway, I dont have to figure that out today. But today, he sprung a new one on me, he is going to take high blood pressure meds in jail so he doesnt feel so stressed(he doesnt have high blood pressure but he can get meds in jail-they dont even check). He said they have codiene in them, which cant be true cause its contraindicated for high blood pressure. But I said, "you wont be sober then" and he said "he doesnt care." Is he BS-ing me again? Probably not. Hes more or less telling me he is already doing this, knowing him.
My boundary for when he gets out, and in general is that he must have 6 months sober before he can move in with me again.(as a resut, we havent lived together in a over a year) So, how do I determine this now that he is in there?
It will probably work itself out and I dont want to nag scold or complain but I have a boundary and he will be out in 7 months so how do I even know if he stays sober now that he is being this way? Before he was all into the Big Book and calling his sponsor. Now it's "I dont care" (if Im sober) "as long as Im comfortable."
Any thoughts on talking to him about this? He is not in a good place emotionally, very dry, so I try to keep it light and polite, but shouldnt he know if I dont intend to let him move in here so he can make other arrangements. I don't know how to deal with that. He knows my boundary. He knows I wont go back on it. I dont want a drunk anymore. Id rather be alone forever. So how do i talk to him about it-or do I even need to?
I established a similar boundary when I moved out last May,
I am still living alone, and ya know I am loving it and my life.
My A is still drinking but he has his HP too and I'm not it.
Have you made any face to face meetings? Here are some resources
World Service Organization Website –
WWW.al-anon.alateen.org
Phone number is 1-888-425-2666
Alanon meetings 800-351-9996
Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666
Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.
Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.
Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.
· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
What I have learned is that sober is more than just the actual use of the alcohol or drug. I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out if my A was actually using or not. (well still do sometimes... lol, progress not perfection) But here a few things that I have learned lately:
If my AH is using or drinking the truth of the matter is he is an alchoholic and the disease will win, he will not be able to hide it forever so why should I waste all of my time and energy trying to figure out if he is or not. If he is, it will reveal itself.
Sober is a state of mind, of spirituality, of thinking, not just the absence of consumption. And so these are things that will show in a persons behavior, decisions, words etc. "Dry" is no longer acceptable to me, I want sober.
I am learning to look at actions and not words. Action can include the way that the words are said, but not to just take the words. I am learning what "active use" looks like/as compared to sober. Not just the stumbling, slurring, etc... but the way in which my AH makes decisions, behaves with our children, takes responsibility, follows through on things...for it is not the actual consumption that affects me, it is everything that goes with it. I do not have to ever feel his hangover, just the ripple effect from it. I am looking at the ripples, not the stone that was thrown into the water.
I wish you well today, keep the focus on you, on your recovery, you Higher Power will reveal to you what you need to know, when you need to know it.
I think "Confused" said it all quite nicely, and I follow the same way of thinking...
It's all about actions - not words. I agree that giving yourself a time frame and boundaries before allowing him back in is a smart move on your part and very self-loving.
The word 'sober' means so much more than not consuming alcohol or other drugs. For me, it means...clear thinking, clear caring, and... clearly loving (others more than self!). For an alcoholic...that's a tall order, but the only acceptable one...
Thanks so much. Thats so true. I love this message board. I mean i was racking my brain trying to figure this one out. And then you all said it so clearly, so simply, so true. Its so easy. But I never would have thought of it-EVER-in a million years. No wonder Al anon works.
I am newly back to Al anon after this whole jail thing and I have been getting to f2f meetings (I didnt know what that was until a week ago). I live in LA where we have SO MANY. Im very lucky for that. Also my AH is a member of AA and I dont really feel comfortable sharing because I see so many of his friends at the alanon f2f meetings here. There are a LOT of double winners here.
But my sponsor has been out of town for weeks. Im a little wacky.
I love reading and responding to your posts. I am going to send you my phone number, that way we BOTH have someone we can call. I have this group....that is it. There are NO sponsors for me to call here. Only ONE AlAnon meeting which takes place on a night that is IMPOSSIBLE for me to get to AND the woman who runs it does not like her last name or number getting out.
I think your A has a chance, not that I have ANY education to back up that statement, it is just a feeling. I also think he is a complete A'hole. He really p's me off when I read your posts.
I think jail is the best thing that may ever have happened to you both. You have grown SO SO SO SO SO much in just a couple of weeks! Dont believe me, go back and read some of your original entries!
I am ready to let my A go, not so much happily, not so much because I know it is healthy for me to do, because I love him and I want to set him free, free to live his life HOWEVER he chooses....I am going to find my dignity and sanity again too. I think I left it around here somewhere!
I really pray that you lose him and move on, but, again something tells me this guy has hope....but I still dont like him.
My "A" and I have been together for almost 9 years. A few years ago we seperated, for a year.
For the first few moths I had trouble with the seperation. I was upset, and really lonely. Then e came bacl into my life. We had a two year old together and I was pregnant with our second child. He had been clean for quite some time. He was really and truly working a program. We began to build a solid friendship together. I began to get into my program and become healthy.
Our programs brought us back together. During that time i saw what he was like when he was sober/ clean and working a program. I really love that man.
My "A" has since relapsed. But I have found me. Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I honestly don't think you even need to talk to him about this boundary right now. Seven months is a long ways away. Try to remember.....Just for Today. Let tomorrow worry about itself.
It sounds like your husband is acting out. He knows what gets your goat, he's feeling lonely and out of control (a way A's hate to feel) and he's looking for a reaction from you. The best thing you can do for both of you, is not give him one.
Give him some more time in there and I betcha he gets back into his Big Book and contact with his sponsor.
In the meantime, this is a perfect time to work on you and your recovery while he's in there.
__________________
Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
