A friend of mine used to quote the old saying that when you find yourself at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on for dear life.  I've added another knot.

I started dating a man that I met through eharmony at the beginning of the year.  We dated exclusively from the start.  I thought, "this man is wonderful."  I then found out that he had been sober for five years.  My next thought was, "how do i cont. to end up with "A's", even when I get matched through a dating service?  But he was sober, worked the steps, a christian....where was the problem?  After two months he could only see me one day a week after his kids went to bed.  He stated he wasn't going to introduce his kids to anyone for fear of them getting hurt.  We lived two hours away from each other.  He couldn't come to me because of his kids.  I cont'd for another two months driving to him whenever he called and said I could come over.  Last week he got really upset because I wanted to talk, or something, I'm still not sure.  He told me he had only been to like one meeting in three months because he had no one to watch the kids.  My offer to help out was taken as a push.  I just wanted to show him that I could love him with a whole heart.

I've had a father and two former ex's who were all A's.  I knew last week for sure where this was headed.  I was facing a crisis of "please, don't be mad at me, I'll try harder, I won't ask you for anything, MY FEELINGS DON'T MATTER."  That's where i always end up.  When I tried to explain how I felt last night, he of course played it off as the distance being too hard on him.  I WAS DOING ALL THE WORK HOW WAS IT HARD FOR HIM.  When I tried to explain it to him he said I was mean.  I was being cruel.  That's so funny.  I'm always the doormate.  I'm the one that runs from any kind of confrontation.  I told him I didn't like being used for sex.  That really made him mad.  I kept saying, "So I guess this is over."  He kept saying that's not what he was saying.  So I said it.  

I've been coming here for almost two years.  It wasn't until six months ago that I picked one name and allowed myself to connect with all of you.  Someone in a chat room once said, "you've got to stop thinking the way you are thinking or you'll cont. to make the same choices."  She was right.  So rather than begging and promising to be better, I chose to think of myself.  IT WAS HARD.  And I felt bad today, guilty in fact, for making him upset and hurting him.  I sent an email to apologize for hurting him.  I don't like hurting anyone.  But I swore when I kicked my ex out that I'd never let anyother man use me again.

Thanks for letting me share.

katrina