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Alcohol has affected me in many ways. I have had some issues with it personally but generally dont drink anymore. My dad had a dependence on drinking at the end of his life. He had gained a lot of weight and had become pre diabetic. Just as he was turning his life around, he got Covid at the beginning of the pandemic and passed at 62 in June 2020. I was in California and he was in Maryland so I couldnt travel there or help. It was hard for me. Well, I now live in Florida with my partner who drinks excessively and often. He hides it from me sometimes but I find little liquor bottles and hidden bags of wine sometimes. He drinks in front of me but hides it, sometimes too to avoid an argument since I know the drinking has caused issues between us. How do I help him? Occasionally he admits he has a problem but other days he gets validation from other friends who drink or even his doctor who claims he is fine. I asked him to get therapy and he did it for a couple of months but then life happened. I know he is a good person but I dont know what to do anymore.
Hello jliminal. Your share is very familiar to me. Drinking, sneaking, lying, etc.--lived with that for many years. The only help I found was through alanon. I tried everything to "fix" my alcoholic, and nothing I did helped. Learning to focus on myself and practice the tools that alanon offers has changed me. I am so much happier with improved self-esteem. Only recently has my spouse gotten serious about AA, but how long that will last is anyone's guess.
Our message board here has dwindled down, but I still check in and I believe other do too. The best thing you can do for yourself is to get involved with alanon any way that fits into your schedule--in person, zoom, phone, etc. Message boards are great as well, when enough people participate. :)
Hi jliminal, Awesome that you're seeking help! Like Lyne, I can relate to your share. Also, looked for help everywhere and I kept circling back to Alanon, as this is the only place where people understand what I'm experiencing. It is also the only place that can truly support my well-being and positive changes that improve my life perspectives and life. I have learned that secrets don't bode well for me with respect to a healthy relationship, even though I consider my SO a good person in general... he is also the person who keeps secrets and can be quite unkind.
Keep going to meetings and try different ones. Give Alanon a chance to make a difference.
"How do I help him" - I think that every person in Al Anon comes to their first meeting with that question at the top of their list. We feel a deep need to help someone we love that's, in our opinion, in trouble. The suggested Al Anon greeting in most meetings says something like this - "As a newcomer you may feel that you are here tonight to help the alcoholic . . . that your presence here may teach you to stop his or her drinking. The truth is you are here because of the alcoholic not for the alcoholic." As you're trying to absorb that wisdom, you'll hear a bit further in "You will soon learn that you did not cause the alcoholic to drink,you cannot control the drinking, nor can you cure the alcoholic. You are here for yourself." - the Three Cs are a bit tougher to accept and for some of us, it takes a while to sink in - as in Progress not Perfection.
You may also hear people around you and your alcoholic, as well as the alcoholic him\her self, tell you something like "it's not a big deal". Whether it is or isn't a big deal is not for them to decide for you - if it's a problem FOR YOU, it's a problem - "you are here because of the alcoholic" means that you go to Al Anon meetings FOR YOURSELF.
As in the rest of the world, some people are jerks and some are good people - it's the same with alcoholics - many of them are good people - but unfortunately, the disease that they suffer from (alcoholism - cunning, baffling, and powerful) causes behaviors that are not good - you're here to try and find ways to deal with how the problems they cause effect YOU. Because, unfortunately, you can't fix them - you are POWERLESS over alcohol and the alcoholic - but you can make changes in your world that'll help you have a better life.
"I dont know what to do anymore" - sounds like you may be getting to the end of your rope - hitting your "bottom" maybe - unfortunately, no one in Al Anon will or should tell you what to do - we don't give advice in Al Anon - what worked for me or someone else may not work for you, or you may not be able to act on an Al Anon idea right now, or ever - that's OK. Hang around here (LOTS of wisdom, and ESH - experience, strength, and hope), go to meetings, talk with other Al Anon folks (they DO care), and try to learn the Al Anon ways and how apply them to YOUR life as best you can - it's all about making progress, not achieving perfection.
Hang in there - it CAN get better - and we are all pulling for you!
Hi Jliminal,
So glad you found Alanon. Ive been where you are. Desperate to make things better. It took all of the wonderful wisdom and experience of those who lived through it all before me to see, I was asking for help for my own life which had become unmanageable because of my voluntary participation and behaviors in a life of chaos. I did ALL of the things to try to change another persons drinking, behavior, etc. I went wildly through the drama and chaos, responding to every disappointment. I set up over and over pretending things would be better when nothing changed. Everything stayed the same until I didnt. I now know firmly I didnt cause it, I cant control it and I cant change it. Find online meetings, in person meetings, this chat board (which has helped me immeasurably throughout the years). Keep coming back.
