The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How do I pause in a relationship? My AABoyfriend is telling me this is what he needs. But I can’t and I’m so TERRIED! I tried to not speaking to him while he goes through sobriety but he keeps leaving messages to tell me Hi and to see how my father is, my Father is very ill and is critical I’m not sure how much time I have with him. I have a problem with this. The people in my life I have selected them to know me and my family. I consider myself a very private person and in my circle of family & friends, I only share with them you may say it’s very intimate for me with the people in my life. I need him either to part of that circle or nothing at all. Is that bad! I’m I asking too much? If you have suggestions or an opinion I would like to hear it. I just know that I loose it every time we talk and end up sounding like a hysterical lady, I pray and read do as much as I can to stay clam and not freak out or feel TERRIFIED.
This is why I haven’t gone to FTF meetings, I love my little circle of people and trust them it so difficult to try new things and trust new people to my circle.
Well, angel, you are definitely in the right place. Most of us here have loved an alcoholic and wondered how to set appropriate boundaries. When I first went to face to face meetings, it was hard for me to talk about myself, real hard. I had learned how to be isolated in my alcoholic family when I was growing up. I had a profession where I spoke to large groups of people all the time, but I could hardly get my breath when it came to telling the truth of what was inside of me. All I can say is that the fellowship of Alanon changed my life and has allowed me to be clear about who I set boundaries with and why. I have lost both my parents so I know how hard it is to be in that place, at least how hard it was for me at the time. That is a good time to take care of yourself, though, and I learned how to do that in Alanon. We at Alanon will not give advice, we will only share our experience, strength, and hope with you. My life is a lot happier and a lot less confused now than it was before I came into Alanon. I have peace in my life, a peaceful relationship. I can share with a few trusted people what is inside of me now, something I wasn't able to do before I came into Alanon. At that time, I didn't know I had set up all sorts of "rules" for others to live by, and for me to live by. In real life, those rules sometimes didn't work for me at all. How did I get better in Alanon? I went to lots of face to face meetings. I learned to speak at those meetings. I found a sponsor, someone I could really trust, and I began to work the steps in Alanon. Working the Program really is work, but it is work that changed my life and has made me a lot happier and a much better person to relate to. I don't know if any of this is important to you or not. I'm very glad you came here, and glad you posted. Hearing your dilemma helps me with my own Program. Please take care of yourself during this very difficult time. Blessings and prayers, mebjk
I know when my own mother died it was very very hard for me to take space for myself and allow myself to grieve. Perhaps that is what you are trying to do. Of course an alcholic can often feel entitled so they do not feel that you are permitted to take the space and time for yourself because their needs come first. That is indeed a very difficult thing to be confronted with especially when you feel vulnerable. I think in Al-anon you can really learn how to have boundaries, how to set limits and also how to look for healthy others who do not want to use you for their own ends.
I am glad that you are in this group and have bonded with people in ftf that takes a lot courage to go to ftf and learn how to have healthy relationships. I could not have spotted a healthy relaitonship for years. Now I have more of them. I am more and more and more willing to let go and move away from unhealthy associations on many levels.
You might be asking too much of yourself to have a friendship that doesn't fit your rules for friendship (in or out or else) but still to want it so much. Expand your idea of who you are, at least blend the line a bit. Don't stick with your same pattern if it gives you grief, relax your hard perspective for a few months. Protect yourself from harm but give others the space they need in order to relate you as best as they can with all their current limitations. Everything will change, give it time and review your situation and adjust as necessary.
