The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling really scared today. I just can't seem to get it together. I am exhausted and crying and need to do some many things in order to move out. I have been resting all day when I know I need to pack and find an apartment.
My AH and I haven't talked in over 3 weeks. I can't believe that he hasn't tried to contact me at all to see how I am doing. I didn't come back to celebrate his b-day. He is coming home tomorrow from a 4 day trip. I have decided that instead of leaving to stay at a friend's, I am going to stay here and face him. We need to discuss our financial arrangements and I am terrified. Plus, why should I be the one running? He is the one forcing the separation and essentially chosing me over alcohol. He would never admit he is chosing alcohol instead he has convinced himself and everyone else that it is me and the relationship that is screwed up.
I can't believe the way that he is treating me and the pain and abandonment that I feel. It is like he is just tossing me to the curb so suddenly. This should be an exciting time in my life. I just graduated after going back to school to change careers. We were going to move into a new place and both be working for the first time. Instead, here I am in this mess.
I never thought we would divorce or even separate. It was not in my plans and frankly I didn't think it was in his plans until 2 months ago. I thought that we would work through anything. Now I see that he has changed as the drinking has gotten worse. The relationship was not longer healthy for me. It is hard to accept that I am willing to give more than he is though he would beg to differ. The things he gave me were material when what I was craving was emotional. It is also hard to except that he is painting our entire relationship black like there were hardly any good times. I guess that is a way for him to excuse his behavior and keep pushing me away.
I feel proud that I took a stand on the drinking, but that is precisely the same thing that caused him to push me away. I know I could not continue down that road we were going so I guess this is for the best. I just hope there is a plan in all this.
I think life with any A is a trial. I am glad that you are not running away from your problems. Why not go to the chat room here and hang out there. You do not have to resolve all this in a day. I had many many marathon chats with the A few things got resolved. When I started detaching and working on myself things changed radically.
Please try and always remember that love and addiction have nothing to to with each other.......His love for you and his love for his addiction is two seperate things.......
I do not know if active addicts see this.....All they see is living for the addiction first and foremost.....you are secondary on that list....
No one on this whole planet deserves this life......Stay strong....stick up for yourself and above all love yourself.....
Do you recall the song with that title? Anyway...I am glad you are here with all your misunderstanding, confusion and insanity because this is the place to bring it. There are more similar experiences about living with an alcoholic or addict and making changes, here than I could have ever imagined. We too have had your experiences and by attending meetings, reading literature, getting a sponsor, working the steps, traditions and slogans and first things first...getting and trusting a Power Greater than ourselves life became so worthwhile living whether the alcoholic was still drinking or not. When I first heard these promises I was skeptical, sarcastic, discontented, angry, dispondent, lonely, confused etc. etc. That's all changed now!! I just kept coming back, took some suggestions from winners and practiced, practiced, practiced what I was being taught. This will work when you work it.
I know how hard it is to have your a talking bad about you and your relationship but remember that you know the sober truth about it all. My a h sees only how hard he tried and how I didn't. Nothing is further from the truth and it hurts to have him tell others that. Luckily my mother in law knows otherwise and so does my family and I have their total support.
Focus on you and what you need to get done for yourself. If you feel safe then don't rush things and have regrets later. It took me a couple of years to make the big move and I'm glad I was able to take the time and save some money.
Congratulations on finishing school and doing something great for yourself. I am sure that this opens up many doors for you and gives your choices that you may not have had in the past.
That being said, I wanted to share with you something that I noticed with my own AH. Fear, as I get healthier. You said that you did not even see this coming until a couple of months ago. Well, perhaps, (imho), the great strides that you are taking with your own life are difficult for him to deal with. As you get stronger, his disease loses its power over you. Afterall, doors are opening for you and as his own disease progresses they are continuously shutting for him. Perhaps it is easier for him to push you away than to see what his disease is costing him and how much you are doing for yourself.
Just my perspective... take what you like and leave the rest.
Thank you all so much for your support and kind insightful words. They bring tears to my eyes.
Yes Lynn, I do think my AH has extreme guilt and fear under the surface. I am sure that he is probably pushing me away for many reasons. I am a reminder about how sick he is and I am definitely getting healthier. All of his other friends have a host of their own problems and addictions that they aren't trying to work on. I think I might be the only one without some type of substance abuse and who is trying to work on themselves. Of course he seems to be attracted to people with issues and problems and that has always bothered me. I just imagine that he will try to find (or has found) another woman who will put up with his behavior and lord knows there are many who will. He makes 6 figures is very generous, a genius, etc. BUT he is an alcoholic and has all the turmoil that goes along with that and the potential to get worse. I know I have seen his drinking progress to getting very drunk at least 4-5 times a week. The days he didn't drink seemed like a struggle. I was kidding myself into thinking he would slow down with the drinking. I guess there is that possibility, but I know it will just crop up again. He has alcoholism on both sides of his family.
It is funny because he used to use me as an excuse for why we weren't having kids and moving forward with our lives. Now that I am done with school and the opportunity to get serious about life has arrisen, he seems to be running. He knows the drinking and smoking will have to stop if I am to try getting pregnant. I have made that clear all along and he knows I won't budge. Of course what makes this strange is that he claims to have stopped drinking and yet still wants to separate. I guess that he is trying to show he doesn't have a problem with alcohol and that it is all the relationship. Who knows? It is all too hard to make sense of it.
With everyone's support I will just keep trying to focus on me and getting me better since that is all I can control anyway.
((((sunny)))) it sounds like you are better today. The great thing is, every day we get a new start. One day at a time, right?
I too dealt with a lot of verbal, and (and some physical) abuse at the hands of my husband, who I love dearly. It took me finally admitting to myself that he is an A. He does love me, and I have been getting better, and he is too, it seems. We have more good days now than bad ones. He has left me a few times in the past year, but has been home since the end of March, and things are beginning to come together for us, little by little. He is still drinking. But, my attitude has changed. I learned that what is good for us, is good for the A.
At first, I felt kinda disloyal or something to him, reading up about alcoholism, and walking away when he got verbally abusive. But, everyday, I am stronger. I did not die when he left, and did not beg him to come home. I did not contact him, but waited for him to contact me. I think that made all the difference. It took the control away from him. He is, after all, only a man, not a god.
It is very hard to love an A, but that is what we do. We each have our own issues to deal with. But, we can get better. I am so glad you are here. You will be OK. I can just feel it. And, I was told, I didn't have to stop loving my A. Even if he wasn't here. I was told in chat that "love is your own experience, and no one can take that away from you." That meant a lot to me, and I just kept loving him, but from a distance. I kept it in my heart.
Keep coming back, OK? We need you here, and you need us. How much better can you get than that?
Thanks Becky. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I too am not contacting him or calling him. It is amazing that they crave power and control. Maybe because they are really so out of control.
My husband is coming home tonight and I am going to be here for the first time in over 3 weeks. He will be shocked to see me if he does actually arrive tonight. We need to talk about money and I need to pack so I can't keep running. Getting away helped me to gather some strength. Plus I showed him that even though he is making all the money right now, he is not the one calling all the shots.
Thanks for having so much faith in me. I know in my heart I will be okay and find a way. I am a survivor, but I still need others to see that in me too.
Yes, I will never stop loving my a. I know that the best thing for me is to do that from afar. I just feel that the odds of him coming around to sobriety is very slim eventhough he has stopped drinking temporarily. That makes me so sad because I have already set the boundary that I can't be with an active A and I know I must stick to that.
I do need you all so it is nice to hear I am needed too!
Good job in working on your self. We have to make progress in spite of our A's. I am reading Getting Them Sober 4. Help alot to understand their screwy thinking. Hang in there.
