The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As many of you might know, I asked my AH to leave last week. I have been detaching from him slowly over the last two months, but still struggle with this. I got out the Blue Book yesterday, and read up on alcoholism, which gave me such a sense of compassion for this man...and regret that I judged him so heavily for something I now know he probably beat himself up over already.
I do not want a divorce. I want to be married to my husband, and recognize that to do so would be to accept that he may never quit drinking. I also know that he must trust me enough that i will work the program, and be a loving spouse even when my every sense is seething. I called and left a message for him on his cell tonight....i wish i didn't do that, but i have such a strong urge to talk to him, and ask him a few questions...but the most important one is.....does he still want to be married to me. This makes me wonder if i am waivering...or negotiating my beliefs. Am I wrong????
Also, why i am counting on his answer is beyond me, but i guess i just need to know if i should work on myself in this relationship, or prepare myself for my new life without him...either way, they are both new lives. If he does not want to be married, then this is a new story altogether, and shouldn't be. I don't have any intention of taking him back right now, but would ask that he give me MUCH time to figure out if i am strong enough to be myself in this marriage AND work the program genuinely so that I don't back track.
I want to apologize to him for not having understood what he was going through more fully, and kicking him when he was down. He has stated that I am asking him to be someone he isn't.....i feel that those words translate into me asking him to do something he can't......
Please help me to see if my thinking is wrong..i do not want to be separated to try and make him quit drinking, i want to be separated so that i can get better.....and become a strong woman in this marriage rather than weak and needy of him.
All I can tell you is keep working on your recovery. I was told not to make any life changing decisions for at least one year. My husband filed for divorce when he found out I was going to al-anon meetings. In my opinion....you have to get better either way. Good luck on your path and keep coming back here!
Please try and remember that addiction has nothing to do with Love, my hub was so sucked into the world of addiction.....that he did nothing but work his addiction, you know the lies not coming home all that crap...
The thing for me is I think there is a choice........I do beleive this is a serious disease of the mind.........
Also, I beleive if you work your program, get the right help for yourself sobriety is available......
The thing about this is they must release the uphoria of that first high....that they constantly chase......Life is a choice....
I found what has helped me most in my year seapration and road to divorce is to focus on myself.
Is what I am doing the best for me each day? This was hard as I was so focused on my A husband that if I died his life would flash before my eyes.
You can learn to stay married to an alcoholic through alanon or not to stay married, depending on what turns out to be best. The key lies in meetings, getting a sponsor and working the steps.
It is a tough road to do, but the reward of serenity is worth it
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
In recovery I get to make my own decisions and work at being responsible for myself rather than leaving them up to a "sick" person. I hopefully get to decide what it is I am looking for first before I make the decision and then comes the followup. I never needed the alcoholics input to do the right thing for me nor did I need her pat on the back after I did a right thing for me but before I learned this that is how I governed my decision making. Big lesson for me. I remember an Al-Anon joke about the alcoholic asking the enabler out for dinner to a restaurant of their choice and the enabler thinking for a minute, responding, "Where do you want to go?" It might be favorable to look at the definition of addiction and see if it fits for you. It did for me. She was as hyper addicted to alcohol and drugs as I was to her. I even got worse, at one time traveling hundreds of miles to check up on her to see if she was drinking or not and not in trouble. I have done worse still while in the active phase of the disease.
I clung to her because she was my higher power at the time and I had invested all of my emotions, strengths, hope, faith, dreams and plans on having her in my life. I pictured the cottage with the white picket fence and beautiful smiling healthy children and pets around the yard filled with beautiful flowers and absolutely no weeds!! I saw my self as complete and happy with her even when I saw disaster coming and didn't want to be caught up in that disaster. We lost the house, never got to the white picket fence, the kids lives followed the path of addiction with more perverse consequences than a horror movie. Imagine the worse that could happen and then some. And our marriage turned out to be another jaded justification to never ever have another relationship in my life time. (Didn't arrive at this one either. I am a professional enabler afterall and my sponsor alerted me to the possiblility that unless I changed how if lived my life I would be doomed to making the same choices expecting different results. This is by the way a definition of insanity.) The definition of addiction that I hold closest to my chest today is, "Continuously doing a compulsive behavior inspite of the known negative consequences on my life including the awareness that it could be fatal" (close enough).
Maybe a little bit of this has been helpful? If not keep coming back and getting suggestions and feedback from the Family. They are pretty good at being supportive and helping others change. In the meantime take some ((((((hugs)))))).
You are absolutely right, and i have already seen the similarities between my H and myself...we are both in love with something that is slowly destroying us. I knew my feelings and thoughts were based on my own addiction (to him). I realize that fully, and thank you for bringing that back to the surface so that I can deal with it. I have made a promise to my heart to not call again, and if he should contact me, just not engage in the conversation...i am nowhere near ready. No matter what happens, I know for sure that it will be the right thing and due solely to my HP.
I know i am sick. I realize that i am powerless. I give it up to my HP. Thank you again..sincerely.
