The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"This hurts like hell and the only kind of detachment that I can imagine is to remove myself from this situation entirely and move on with my life. I know that sounds selfish but I don't see a bright future living with an alcoholic. He is depressed and has lost all motivation to continue on with his career. I don't trust him, he has lied to me a thousand times and every time he speaks I wonder if he is lying again. He took himself to rehab and since he came home it is worse than ever. I have tried to help. I have tried not to help. I stand by and watch from the outside and live alone in a home where we live together."
I wrote this on November 7th last year, the night I joined Miracles in Progress. I moved out at the end of December. He got sober after I left and has made amazing changes to his life. I am so proud of him for getting his life together.
Unfortunately, it came to late. I gave up trying to control him, I gave up trying to fix him. But when I did that I gave up on him altogether. I want to help the people in my life be the best that they can be by helping them, not by standing on the sidelines of their lives. I want to be inside those lines. By helping I only mean by giving the daily support, sharing, loving, laughing, doing the things that make both of us happy and result in both of us being healthy. Today, in his sobriety, he still does not allow me inside the lines the same way he did before it got so out of hand.
The key word is TRUST and the anger and resentment are still there every time I look at him or talk with him. He hurt me more than I knew at the time, it was only after I left that I understood how much of a toll his addiction really took on my life. I gave every day and he took without giving back. Living with the stress of addiction became too much for me and I had to leave. I have a lot of strength and a lot of will, but I don't want to spend my entire life having these things sapped out of me. I need someone who can provide the same things in return so together, we can lead a healthy and balanced life. I am still working hard to rebuild the energy that was lost while we were together.
I still can not comprehend the lies and the deception and the anger and the choke-hold that addiction causes. If I could understand this, maybe I could forgive him.
Thanks for sharing that Sally. I can totally understand your feelings. I am currently in the process of separating from my AH. Though it was his choice, I was the one putting my foot down about the drinking. It had to stop because it was just too much for me to handle. He is trying to stop drinking on his own, but he still wants out. I figure this is another one of his manipulations or just another thing about his addiction that doesn't make sense.
I too find it difficult seeing a bright future with an alocoholic even if he is sober. My therapist said it is possible, but I am not too sure. How do you get over the trust issues that are raised because of addiction?
Now that we are separating, I am realizing the pain, anxiety and hurt that I actually felt due to his self-destructive behavior. Living a life of such uncertaintly and chaos is not for me. I keep telling myself that I deserve a true partner who can provide equally the emotional support and energy I can provide. I crave healthy relationships while my AH craves people with problems.
I also know the feeling of being "sapped" of energy and strength. I yearn for the day that I can start rebuilding them.
I so totally identify with what you say about not realizing how much you were hurt until you got away from it. I was married for 20 years and my husband's drinking became an addiction somewhere in the middle. I recognized the problem 7 years ago when I quit drinking myself. Then I started going to Alanon 6 years ago and felt like I was going to be okay. But last year I decided it was only getting worse and I had to get off the sinking ship. I've been out on my own (with our 13 year old son) for a year now and I'm still finding that I was hurt more and more and more than I had ever suspected by the years of living with that man.
Now he has just gotten out of rehab and I'm discovering that he was not only a really lousy husband, but he was a really lousy father too. I was in such denial, even AFTER I recognized the alcoholism. I still enabled so much that I kept the fantasy going for myself and everyone else in the family that he was a great father and that he and my son had this wonderful relationship. But in hindsight, I see that it was all because I did the work and made it possible for him to look good while he was really absent 99% of the time, and constantly disappointing my son, just as he did me. I just never called him on all the things that he was NOT doing that a boy needs a father to do, namely, be home once in a while.
I guess the denial just sort of falls away once you don't really need it any more, and as you get strong enough to handle the reality that was being covered up. But I sure never expected it to happen this way, did you?
The load of emotional bankruptcy is hard. Rebuilding trust is even harder. I don't think you actually ever get that back once it has been betrayed. You have given your relationship your best shot. You are in control of your own happiness as is your A. Hope whatever happens you look after yourself first. Luv Leo xxx
