The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, here I am packing up my stuff while my AH is at his firm retreat that I was supposed to go on. It is so hard to find the strength to pack and sort when I am so upset and grieving. Moving is hard enough, but dealing with a separation, possible divorce, no job, no apartment is too much. I am trying to take it first things first and get myself packed and find an apartment.
We haven't spoken in 3 weeks. I hate being here with his stuff everywhere. It just reminds me of all the pain and broken dreams.
We have been together for 13 years, living together for 7 years and married for 3. We got married while out of the country by just signing some papers. We both agreed that it was the easiest thing for the time being and that we could have a ceremony and/or party/announcement upon returning home. Of course problems exacerbated as his depression and drinking escalated. He blamed me and the relationship for being unhappy and wanted out. This threw me into a deep depression. We stayed together and now 2 years later I find that he is drinking more and acting worse. After a year of pleading, talking, asking, crying, begging, he just "flipped the switch" as he called it on our relationship. This time the separation is real and frankly I feel that he sensed that I wanted out and just did it first. Plus, he couldn't stand me pointing out all the pain he has caused and wanted to stay in his place of denial.
Since he is the one with the job and great salary, he seems to think he has all the power and in some ways he does. I am learning that I only have power over my own actions and thinking. I know I couldn't go on the way things were going. He was going out drinking about 4-5 nights per week until 1:30-5:00AM and coming home completely intoxicated.
I told his parents about his drinking as a last attempt to help him and clear my conscience so he is no longer my problem. He wrote an email to his parents calling our marriage a "fake" marriage. How awful to say about your wife and the woman you have been with for 13 years. I know he felt bad about how our marriage took place, but he agreed to it. I think he is just mad at himself for not asking for my hand propperly and doing the traditional wedding thing. I just imagine that all that anger is really about what is going on inside him and not about me. I am just the closest one to him and the first one to take a stand on his drinking. Everyone else just tried to deny it even though everyone sensed something was going on.
I know he is mad that I told his parents about his drinking because he knows that being an A is the one thing that would absolutely kill his parents who both grew up with A parents. He loves his parents dearly, but they needed to know. They have asked to meet with him to discuss his drinking, but I doubt it will do much good even though his dad is a psychologist.
I just can't understand his thinking and why he is pushing me away. I can only imagine it is because he wants to drink again and just can't imagine a life without it. Clearly he is chosing the alcohol, but by trying to prove he can stop drinking while still pushing me away, he is trying to prove that he doesn't have a problem except with me. He is tricking no one, but maybe himself. I am also guessing that blaming me makes him not have to look at himself and how he has destroyed our relationship.
He said he stopped drinking since April 2. I believe he wasn't drinking for at least a month, but I am no longer sure since I have left the apartment so as not to be subjected to his moody behavior.
Now, here I am wondering what to do with my life and how I am going to get through this. I just think I am crazy for having put up with his behavior for so long. I also can't imagine that I could ever trust him again. He knows my boundaries and it is absolutely no drinking if he wants to be with me. I won't budge on that, but now I am worried that even if the drinking stopped, he would have some of the same problems due to his depression and any other underlying disorders. It just seems that he has so far to go and so many changes to make before there could ever be hope of getting back together and having a future and possible family. I guess I just have a lot of worry.
I wish there was a perfect answer as to what to do. I just imagine that there is a life that is better, happier and healthier for me even if it means I won't have the financial stability he offered. I just don't know when I will get a sign that I need to move on permanently or not. I thought, like most probably, that my A would be able to pull through and beat this disease. I thought that since he admitted he thought he drank too much and need to stop that he saw the light. He seemed to be listening to me and agreeing with me at times about how his drinking has harmed him and me and then other times he just acted like "go to hell." I can't understand the mixed signals.
Thanks for letting me vent. I have so much going on right now in my head. Hopefully with time and healing the answers will come.
((((sunny)))) I left my husband of 14 years last May and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
Everything was overwhelming.
I lived in a hotel for 9 weeks while I figured out how to get an apartment and saved money for the deposit. It was very hard to do all these things knowing that each foot in front of the other was a foot away from my love and my marriage.
I reached out a lot. I was on chat and this board a lot. I am forever grateful for the support that I get here.
I am out one year and my life has blossomed beyond my wildest dreams. When I think back to the frightened, abused, creature that I was I am sad that I had to live that way and grateful for the choices offered through opening my eyes in alanon.
Stay strong and take care of yourself just for today.
Here is a poem that I printed and had on my hotel wall for those long weeks
“After a While"
"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
(Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.)
After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.
So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn."
This version, supposedly the original version, was supposedly written by Judith Evans
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Thanks Megan. I loved the poem and really needed to hear it since I was feeling overwhelming grief ans saddness today. Your story is an inspiration to me. I only hope my life will be better tomorrow than it is today.
