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Somewhere in reconciling with my A I think I got lost in staying quiet and praying silently and forgot about setting clear boundaries. I can see now that my A has not taken many steps to growth. Since he's been home he lost three jobs and has not brought home a steady paycheck in 2 months. That's unacceptable and I've been walking around acting like its o.k. Oh he's just trying to find his purpose where he belongs, etc. Now he left a good job because he says he can't do the work to go to a Pizza joint making 8 hour. Maybe that's all he feels he's worth. I don't think I care so much about 8 hour job as long as he worked it consistently. I'd be happy with that. I am not being loving just allowing him to continue this pattern. I wrote down my expectations and boundaries for myself. What I will put up with and what I won't. All of them requires confrontation which I know will blow up in my face. I see now that I avoid setting boundaries with him for fear of the arguing, yelling, and screaming and ultimately him saying that's it I'm leaving. I have a deep fear of being abandoned and him leaving the children again.
I can say I don't accept this and this is not right all I want, he doesn't seem to care. He will do what he wants when he wants it, he dares me to "make" him do something he doesn't want to do. He threatens to leave if my attitude doesn't change, or if he feels I'm moping around too much. Being loving doesn't mean letting someone step all over you and your feelings. How did I learn that that was o.k. How did I learn that I just allow people to do whatever they want with no boundaries or consequences so they'll stick around and continue crapping on me. Man I need help... I feel like I'm back at the drawing board, but somewhere in me I know this stuff, I allowed myself to put it on hold because I wanted him back in the home so badly. We were hurting all of us and I thought o.k. I'm feeling good now, I've got this recovery stuff on the way and it will just get better. Prayer is powerful, but it doesn't mean that I have to allow unacceptable behavior to continue without setting a boundary and then praying for the right heart to receive it.
Any ESH... Thanks
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
My AH and I are still separated. I, too, have wanted to jump right back in when I am on that pink cloud. But I also know that I cannot go back to the insanity. I am not healthy enough to do that yet. I have been spending a lot of time using the slogan, First things First. I had to look at what was most unmanageable in my life as a result of this disease. What was the factor that came up again and again. It was finances. Even in the dry years, finances were an issue. I certainly did the dance too. Sure, I could step back and say, I have worked the same job for 14 years, I carry the medical benefits. Blah, blah, blah. But the truth of the matter is, I was right there signing the consolidation loans and right there spending the money. Sure as the disease progressed, it did become a little more lopsided, he quit his job, had no income, needed to find his way......but his reply is/was things have always been ok, we have always found a way. I do not want to live in the find a way world. I want to make this part of my life more manageable, so I have done a ton of footwork. I have detached from everything that I could legally, for example, I called the credit card co. and took my name off of the cards that were not joint, just had been opened in his name and I also had a card. I am not responsible legally to pay those bills, I have plenty that I am legally responsible for, (like a very hefty mortgage that I have been paying on my own for 6 months) I also called and took his name off those cards that were opened by me with him as a secondary. This may seem insignificant but it was all very freeing for me. Began to make things more manageable. And how did I do this? With the wonderful help of my sponsor, who listened and said you have choices. Do the next right thing. (I had never even thought to do this, I had just figured that we both had cards, so we were both responsible, never thought that if the account was not opened as a joint account that the choices were different)
The program really does work if you work it. I just have to be willing to work it. I need to ask for help.
So glad you are here and that you keep coming back.
Since your A doesn't want to work, are there things you are supplying him with that you spend your money on? I'm not speaking of shelter or food, but maybe something extra that he likes to do or buy?...and you end up buying it? Gas for car even? If so, that could stop.
I dunno, I'm just throwing stuff out there...
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I have struggled tremendously over the issue of what is joint and what is mine with the A. He is super adept at sliding the boundary. I have learned not to give into the people pleasing and more. I have also learned not to be so concerned with his issues. I think that is so supremely difficult because I am a very caring person and because I grew up being isolated and abandoned, I over compensate by being over involved. I do not actually get into with the A that much anymore how he is making money, what he is doing. I cannot tell you how many jobs I helped him apply for. What jobs did he help me apply for - zero.
When the A asks me to help out with certain things I most often say no these days. I have paid certain bills when they were cut off and been angry about that. I was even more angry when I over extended myself routinely. These days I watch those boundaries very carefully.
