The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sick of dealing with his insanity. I told AH some bad news today and he totally lost it on me and accused me of trying to upset him on purpose. Im so irritated. HE IS IN JAIL so Im supposed to tiptoe around everything and sugar coat it!! Plus it was the answer to a question he wnted me to find!!!!!! He put himself there!!! He got the 5 DUIs. I didnt put a gun to his head and make him drink(although my screaming at him never helped much, Im sure) I am so sick of him feeling sorry for himself and mad at me if I dont do something right. I feel used and taken for granted. THere are so many f-ing guys out there who ask me out and I am all DEVOTED to the biggest jerk, loser, boozer alive and he doesnt even acknowledge that. I mean, as far as I am concerned , he should be happy I even TAKE his calls, let alone put money on his books, visit him, send him books, look up info, make phone calls, take care of stuff!!!!!! Well he can figure it out on his own. I have had it. I am so SICK of being s__t on just because I LOVE HIM. I dont even care anymore if I never LOVE anyone again. Screw it, at least I will love myself. I mean, I cannot believe him. He said, I am so bored of you and dont bother to come visit me on sunday because there is NO way in hell that I will come out to see you. FINE!!!!!! He can rot in there and I hope he does. I hope he realizes what I did for him someday and really hates himself for f-ing up.
Although he probably wont-and Ill probably feel different tomorrow-and Ill be really depressed if he really doesnt call me back and hes going into reception where there is no phones and I will obsess and obsess about whether he still loves me and if oly I had said this or that, or hadnt said this or that.
Why cant I really leave him? Why do I love him. i am constantly asked out by others, have no problem getting guys falling all over me, successful guys, who treat me well, with good jobs at, drive porches, Audis, etc. and yet I love a 45 year old felon in prison who just had his car reposessed, because it got impounded and is on his way to state prison, who, when he is working, makes less than 40K a year, cant stay sober longer than 90 days, horrible credit, no savings, verbally abusive,-I mean, the loser of all losers. What is wrong with me? Why cant I let him go!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate this!!!!!!!! What am I going to do?? I feel so lost and frustrated with myself. Why would God make the only person I have ever loved be such an a-hole?????? I want to not love him anymore. I want to have clarity. how?
Heres some valuable phone numbers to call to get to a face to face meeting.
You will find understanding and unconditional love from the people at the face to face meetings (the local meetings in your living area) just like the wonderful people here on the boards and in the *chat room that understand.
Alanon Meetings: 1-800-351-9996
Alanon Meeting Information: 1-800-433-7266
The chat room here is great! You can receive some really wonderful es&h there. Also have meetings here *in the chat room. Check out the meeting schedules by clicking on the chat room link at the top of the message board page on the left....schedule is at the top in the middle of the chat room page. Books are also available on this website!
((BigHUG))) Keep Looking uP!
You are not alone. I'm **so glad you found Alanon.** (((sarah))<<<hugs
Welcome Sarah, and you have come to a great starting place for your answers... Although the answers to your questions are not easy, they ARE simple. The answer is Al-Anon, and working on yourself, and getting yourself healthy.... It is easy for you to see how sick your A is, because his sickness is quite obvious to the world.... Most of us, however, struggle to recognize how sick WE are, and recognizing and accepting that fact is the starting point to our recovery... This is an opportune time for you to truly "break the cycle" that is ripping you apart right now.... Working on you, learning about the disease, and the effects on others around it, etc., etc, are the ways to get to that place you want to get to.... Today's love for him, although very real, is also very toxic, and your post says you are realizing that..... The good news is, there ARE solutions available to you!!
Take care, and good luck in your journey of recovery
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Dear Sarahim, I'm so glad you are here. This is a step toward loving yourself, finding out who you are and what is good for you in your life, and what is not. Thank your Higher Power that you have found this website. Boy, can I ever relate to loving someone who cannot love me how I want to be loved! But I have found hope in my life. It hasn't been easy, but it has truly changed my life. I go to Alanon meetings, I have a sponsor and a list of phone numbers, I call people, and I am working the 12 steps - again - with a sponsor. It takes work, but it does work, if I work it. Keep coming back, and please find a meeting where you can meet folks. You are not alone. Blessings, mebjk
You may have read that I said I would rather be maulled by a roaming pack of wild boars than live one more minute on Earth without my A...well, today I would like to drop those boars off on his back porch.
Your A sounds like a d*ck...I wont try to sugar coat it for you. Yes, he has a disease, YES, he is suffering in jail...OMG but what about YOU!!!!!!
Sounds like you have NO support!
OH....another thing our A's have in common. MINE is a FELON too! He makes nearly 50K a year, should and has the ability to make over 80K but he works as little as possible so he can drink. He says mean and beligerant things to me and kisses the butt's of all his loser friends and complete strangers.
He was charged with kidnapping and found guilty of felony assault after, guess what? A drunken bar fight! 5 years ago. His "friend" he was with left him in the lot to get arrested and abandoned him to the consequences of their fight, my A said he had actually only stepped in to help his "friend" who was getting pounded.
Let's face it, MAYBE they have the potential to do better MAYBE they have what it takes inside them to satisfy us somewhere deep down inside beyond the booze MAYBE they will be the ONLY man we will ever love....but you know what else we need to face? And this is terrifying me right now....MAYBE The Lord only brought them into our lives for a short time, He has a perfect plan for us, for them AND maybe our role was to serve God and be an infulence in their lives and now, we move on.
I dont want to even comprehend the reality that my A has devastated and dumped me. That I am here, loving a man who doesnt care 2 sh*ts about me and wont even respond to a text message. That he would rather spend time with friends who only use him for his paychecks, today is payday Friday. His friends will be in their section 8 housing apartments waiting on him. They will get blacked out drunk on Rum and maybe even eat a Zanex (or something) bar...you see they get narcotics on their dissability montly. He may or may not lay down with some tramp in the area, that thought kills me too.
What I can live with and will learn to live with is that I AM BETTER OFF AND SO ARE MY CHILDREN WITHOUT THE INFLUENCE OF ALCOHOLISM IN OUR LIVES AND HOME.
I love my A desperately. He has chosen a life, no matter how destructive and unfullfilling, that I cannot be a part of. If I decided to become a fall down drunk right along with him, we would be together forever. Have you ever seen Chris Rock stand up where he says "Yu have to love the crust of the mother f'er. One cant be going to church on Sundays while the other one hits the crack pipe. Now, put two crackheads together and they will stay with each other forever."
I say to myself over and over and over "let go and let God" and even pray with my whole entire soul meaning it for Christ to touch my A, to take the desire for him from my heart, to have mercy on me...you know what? My best friend, whom I met through the PRO LIFE movement on the internet a couple of years ago that lives in New Jersey and whom I have never met face to face BUT has been the truest most compassionate friend I have ever known WHO has stood by my side through my divorce and all of my highest highs and lowest lows...here is what she said to me.
As much as we love ___________ (fill in the blanks) God loves ________ even more. Just imagine, well we cant! His love is unconditional, everlasting and unimaginable. Jesus said he would go and prepare a place for us in His kingdom. All of our desires, our wants will be realized there...things we cannot even desire because they are too wonderful for us to imagine. The Lord never said it would be a world without suffering here, but He did promise us everlasting life with him, our suffering will never be in vain, He will hold us close to him. He wants us to hand him all of our worries and troubles, He wants us to trust in Him and give ourselves to Him.......
You get the picture.
I thin what my orginal point was going to be in all of this was....MOVE ON....trust that the Lord will deliver you from this madness. He will touch your A. Your A has his path, it may be clouded because of the evil of addiction, but he has his path and God has a perfect plan for him. YOU have your path, and you, like me, are a strong passionate giving loving patient woman - we are handed the madness because we can handle it. It seems unfair that God gives us these burdens, but I promise you, and I have all the faith in the world that this next statement is true, GOD WILL ONLY GIVE US THE BURDENS AND BLESSINGS THAT HE KNOWS WE NEED.
Oh, man, that was long, and probably alot of babbling and random craziness, but you and me girl! Whew we have tons in common....love to respond to you.
It's not about him. He maybe the catalyst alright, but it's not about him.
It's not their job to bring us happiness or sadness. Like a slap in the face, but it's true.
Sooner or later we realize that our expectations for results are burning us up. Abandon any hope of results*. Let the storyline go.
That's the pressure cooker. Instead, you can give yourself enormous space to feel your feelings without using any reference to him. No "but if he'd just...". Feel the pain, the sadness, the grief, don't push them away. Feel where they are in your body, listen to your breaths go in and out. Let your emotions be. They'll change you if you listen. They'll inform you about you, something we're not used to.
Your ideas of him are hiding you.
Once we become sensitive to how our mind always wants to protect (and hide) our delicate hearts with the storyline, we can practice our ability to instead just be with ourselves unconditionally, whatever the circumstances. That's when our love becomes a gift.
I'm just like you. -K
*That's in the hands of a power greater than ourselves.
I am in tears right now because I am so grateful. Thank you Kent and Jen for the awesome ES&H. I so needed to hear that today. I can't even put into words how touched I am and how big of a lesson that was. thank you again! (((((kent & jen))))))
I'm **so glad you found Alanon.** (((sarah))<<<hugs 
