The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This week has been a week for me to focus on program and hone in on my progress. I see now that I need to find a sponser to help me out with my personal inventory. I also know that I need a person to call when i have a question about recovery or something I need to talk through.
I am really struggling with what are the boundaries of enabling and rescuing and allowing someone to deal with their own problems. My A was hired on this electrican apprentice job two weeks ago. The job required him to buy these tools. We put 500 bucks on the credit card. Well, into week two he says the foreman got irritated with him and told him to get his tools off the truck. My A called me upset and angry and said he believes he'll be fired, not sure if they actually fired him or if he just quit before they got the chance to fire him. He said he was not catching on to the work and he was too slow. He said they told him they would know within a two week period if he was cut out for this. When we bought the tools I was worried because I know his track record with jobs, but I said look if it does't work out we can either sell some of the tools on Ebay and recup expenses or you can try and find a Maintenence Job. So now that he's quit the job, I said well, what are you going to do, I can't afford to pay your insurance, gas, cell phone etc. We have bills due. He decided to enroll in school for the EMT program. He's attempted to do this twice but backed out because he didn't have a car. O.K. EMT school, he found a job at a Pizza Place cooking and doing delivery for a while. He says I'll continue to look for a Maintenence Job. ( I have heard that before). So with school he actually does well on the entrance exam and will only need one remedial course, he got the paperwork for financial aid to see what he qualifies for. I am not willing to co-sign on a loan for school unless I see he's committed to it and working hard. I figure by the 2nd or 3rd semester if he's still going strong and needs help then fine, until then he'll have to pay for books out of his check or get a Pell grant. His parents can co-sign on the loan if they want to, but I know they won't.
My girlfriend tells me last night, I enable him. She says I'm worried you are just lying down and taking his crap and not getting anything back. What are you getting back from this relationship? He can't hold a job, he spends money on your credit card for jobs that don't work out and you are just letting him. I don't no what's in my power to do about the situation, except let him know he's responsible for paying the bill off for the tools. I saved all receipts of things he bought for work. Harping on it with him will just create tension, so I said it plain and simple and let it be. Letting him know that I will not co-sign on a school loan until I see him committed to it, because he could get in school and drop out with in a month. Again, I feel I must justify my actions and reasons for staying in this relationship. People think I'm crazy, they don't believe my A will ever grow up and change. Then again their faith in HP is not strong like mine is. My friend does not believe in God, I don't know what she believes in. She makes it sound so easy for me to walk away from the man I love because he's got this disease and character defects and just find another man. The reality is, I wouldn't just find another man, I'd probably find the same man just looks different. We have made progress in our communication. The progress I've made is real and I'm learning to use the tools in my life everyday. I realized this morning that I cannot share what's going on in my relationship with my friend. She is not for this relationship, she believes I'm cheating my life. Maybe I am, If I am I'll figure it out in my own time. At this point and time, I'm happy with myself and honestly happy with my relationship. It's not perfect but it has gotten so much better. Some people can't understand that and I guess its the reality of living with an A. I don't believe I'm a weak scared person. I believe I'm strong and finally learning to heal from my character flaws and become the person I want to become. I am thankful for my A and this relationship because its set me on the path to recovery. ODAT is all I can manage and that is enough for me.
Thanks for listening,
Twinmom~
I can set boundaries for myself I am still trying to understand what's enabling and what's not. If we jointly share things and he is responsible for payments, getting a job on his own, setting things up on his own I feel that is not enabling. Maybe I'm wrong. Feeling confused and definitely stupid last night.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
i think i shared this before. when i felt stupid for staying or someone else would look at me like i was crazy for staying or with pity i knew they either didn't understand or they were in denile. but my cousin said to me that she thought it was really good for the kids and for myself and my a. just because someone is sick does not mean you just get rid of them. if he had cancer i would not just leave. i would not just stop loving him.we are seperated now and i am going for the divorce but it is not out of anger. it is with saddness but also with peace i never felt before. which is how i know that it is the right decision. until now the trama was too much and we had things to work on and we did. we made alot of progress. but his last relapse for me was too much. but until now i went back or stayed many many times. family is complicated. love is messy. relationships need constant work. there is no happily ever after. we take our happiness where we can and savour it. without this program i would be in the same relationship with a different man.but today i know i can change. i will say a prayer for you and i wish you courage and peace. you sound like you know exactly how to work it! lots of love.
Hello, twinmom, It sounds to me as if you are on the right track. I know I can't ever be really clear about when I'm enabling and when I'm helping. I can't make the decision at that point. I think your thoughts about needing a sponsor and someone to talk to are right on. What really helps us to make healthier decisions is to work the 12 steps. In my experience, that takes work. Also, talking to someone who is not in Program is not beneficial - they only give advice out of their own issues, whatever they are. Go to meetings, find a sponsor, work the 12 steps. That's the path to recovery. It works, if you work it! Good luck to you. mebjk
Good question , enabling is when we do for them what they should be doing for themselves, when we cover up the mistakes they make , when we believe the lies and continue to do the same things over and over again ,thinking this time it will be different. Helping a spouse get a head is a given , except when u have done it 20 times already and nothing changes then it's time to let go and leave it up to him.
Your friend has no right to tell you anything about your marriage. only u know what is acceptable to you one way to stop that unwanted advice is to stop telling them whats going on in your home. Talk to al anon people they understand and listen and share thier own experiences with you. I hope u are attending meetings for yourself . Louise
When you care and love someone,,this is it,,the question are you enabling or truly helping? I know for me each time when my A was down or out of a job like your husband I would get on my "high horse" and try and do everything, leaving him with no responsibilities. His lack of enthusiasm to seek other employment in my case anyway gave him more time to drink. I would tell him everything was ok, things will work out, encouraged him that he would find another job etc etc. Slowly I started taking on more and more responsibility, taking on the things he did such as mow the lawn , take the garbage out, assist with bills, etc etc, whereas he just sat and drank with his friends. Soon I became bitter and resentful working long hours then coming home late , only to find him having done nothing around the house and was out drinking at his "so called buddies house". I would get angry, and the bickering escalated. He did eventually find a job, a job which he quite enjoys, but he took it on as it was part time, got off early and guess what.....by the time I got home he was well on his way drinking. I did my best with what I knew at the time, looking back I should have put my foot down and insisted he took on some role in our marriage in helping out, in anyway. He left. But I look back and wonder how many times I truly enabled him, gave him the freedom to do what he wanted with no responsibilities, without me knowing I was doing so. Enabling or not enabling such a hard question...but I do know one thing YOU must come first, so take care of your needs first and foremost and remember not to be afraid to ask for help.
