The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is amazing how seeing a glimpse of light can cause life to turn upside down. Sunday my ah decided to go back to meetings. He made 2 had 2 sober days. I am not certain, he didn't talk about it, but I think he used yesterday. I didn't want to ask if he had gone to a meeting, I felt like that would be me checking up on him and his recovery is his business. Last night he twitched a good bit of the night, which he normally does after he has used crack (he snores after he has had anything to driink). I tried so hard not to be hurt, disappointed and scared. I haven't focused on it all day, but I must admit I am sad. I know realistically he will probably need to go back into rehab before he can truly be successful--he will need a very safe place to get all of the stuff out of his system--I'm not sure he would jump back into the meetings so heavily without rehab. Even though I knew Monday I shouldn't expect it to work for long, I am still disappointed. Even if it did work, there more than likely would come a time when he would fall again. I know I can't control it, I believe in a Higher Power, I am trying to turn it all over. I know I am not the cuase of it and can't cure it, but I do want a "normal" life. I just need to get to the point where I understand that if I choose to stay with this man (whom I deeply love) that this is my normal life. There will be good days, there will be bad days. Probably more bad than good. I just need to get to the point that I can live my own life happily inspite of that--knowing that my husband does love (I truly believe he does) me, but when the chemicals are in him, he simply is not himself.
So for today. I will make it through. I will love my husband and leave his recovery to him. I will do something for me and try to become positive. I will thank God for 2 sober days and his wonderful fun attitude while he was clean. I will find a way to deal with the using and disappointment. I will remind myself God loves me and He is there for me even when my ah isn't.
My heart aches for you. I know , I have and am there.
My A started drinking again after 10 YEARS!!
The real problem is that he does not think he is an alcoholic. He thinks I have the problems. He is fine with his life.
We have done the rehab thing twice since we have been married (32 years) but he went once for me and once to keep his job, not because he thought he had a problem.
He just got arrested for dui which is how I found out he was drinking again after all these years.
Dont know why he starts, dont know why he stops. He is a wonderful person underneath all the garbage but I rarely see that man anymore. I see an angry,nasty man even if he isnt drinking.
Yes, it breaks my heart.
Only God can change his way of thinking and the way he acts.
I empathize so much with your share as I have been there and return from time to time when I get "had" (take the opportunity to react to what another person is doing or not doing that isn't within my values or expectations.) Often it's because I am judging her or them as not being up to what I want. If I am reacting to the other person, the alcoholic, I am also blaming them for my unhappiness where that is my responsibility. I learned in this program that my happiness is truely an inside job and since finding this out hold myself responsible for it. I take care of my side of the street. I keep my own house clean. I go on with my life accepting the consequences of my own choices...good, bad or indifferent. I thought at one time that my peace of soul and mind and my happiness was dependent upon whether my alcoholic/addict drank or used or didn't drink or use and then found out that my happiness was only dependent upon my attitudes as my condition is. I can live my life today without referring to my wife, my alcoholic or any other person, place or thing and this is the way my Higher Power prefers it. This is my Higher Powers will. My HP's will for me is not dependent upon other persons, places or things but only upon my willingness to follow it. I struggled with that kind of detachment and learned and practiced it inspite of the struggles with alcoholism. I remember once being asked why I was at a time unhappy and gave the justification that my alcoholic had relapsed and was drinking. I was then asked, "So why are you unhappy?" I found out then that happiness was an inside job. Simple program for complicated people.
If I focus solely on myself and what I am doing or not doing within the will of my HP I find more motivation and spritual satisfaction, peace and happiness. This is what I was looking for when I got here.
I'm sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I know how hard it is, I envy your strength and your husband's willingness to try meetings. You are in my prayers, God loves you and so do I. Try to find someting nice to do for yourself.
(((((((Dawn)))))))) all of those things you said in the second paragraph are so powerful hon. I know for me sometimes it isn't the knowing what to do... but doing what I know that is the most difficult. Love yourself hon and things will get different. Different is what we come here for. Love ya! Cyndee
I sympathize with you....... My A hubby is the same way..... "I" have the problem...... "I" have issues........ "I" need help..... His life is fine, he has no problem whatsoever and what he does is just to "help me"........ Geez!........ This in turn, pushes "my buttons" and I start reacting and start focusing on him....... thank God for my sponsor who brings me back to center and helps me to re focus on myself, my program and my recovery ......... Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
