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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Need Advice
Post Info TOPIC: Need Advice
angeleyes8462


Veteran Member

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Posts: 30
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Need Advice
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Got a question on recovery?


I haven't been coming to the board or this site very long. I am learning detachment which I am finding to be more difficult lately for me. I find myself when talking to him talking about future. I know I shouldn't be doing that "how do I stop from getting myself roped into the same trap as before." I want a better future for myself and my son just not sure how to do it. I have been going to the f2f meetings and I am drawing strength from my innerself. But for some reason my A has a hold of me like I have never felt. I know I love him but trying to find me now. But the way our relationship was "not even remotely healty" at the end of it. I know I can't go back to the way things where in the beginning. Is it wrong of me to want a "FRESH START"?........ Sometimes I wonder am I really meant to have a life with my "A" or not? I don't know what the future holds I keep telling myself that but is it wrong to want a future with my A? I have my new boundries in place. But this is what I was dealing with: 


learning to not let it bother me when I am on the phone with him and he gets another call and leaves me on the other line for long periods of time or says call you right back and doesn't.


"No talking late on the phone at night" because when I do his other line always seems to be ringing at night... "GAWD help me delivery me from this man that has a hold on me".


ok this is my slip this is what has happend to me in the last few days. So this is what I am going to do. "GOING TO STOP BANGING MY HEAD ON MY KEYBOARD" giving it all to my HP/GOD.


spend more time focusing on me, less time on my A.


Read in my Daily readers more.


I believe in my heart that if my HP is involved in it then I will be shown the way just gets frustrating at times. Been feeling that way alot lately. That is why I haven't posted much. I am trying to get my mind set straight. Because not only was I hurting all around me I was hurting me more. But I am learning that "knowledge is strength", also I am starting to believe in me more because of my HP. Take what you want and leave the rest.


Thanks for all your support everyone,


HAVE A BEAUTIFUL DAY!!!!


angeleyes


 



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I believe in my HP to show me the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rita G


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1491
Date:
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Angeleyes,


Don't forget that you can set boundaries in your relationships - it was very uncomfortable for me at first, but after a while it was better for everyone.  For me personally, it helped get rid of resentments, maybe both of you can come to an agreement to schedule a time to talk and not take any other calls, unless it is an emergency?


Just a suggestion, making plans on how to handle these problems can sometimes help avoid disagreements. . .


Sometimes, it doesn't help because I am asking for healthy behavior from an unhealthy person.  But it usually doesn't hurt to try .  . .


Let Go & Let God . .


Rita


 



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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK - teamwork.gif
hudsond


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 678
Date:
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Angeleyes--


I know you are hurting and frustrated and scared, but from what you put down it does sound like you are trying to work your program!  You are setting boundaries and even if you don't always hold to those you are willing to pick yourself up and try again.  I think that's all that we can do.  Just keep handing it over to hp and then one day we will learn to leave it all in his hands--we will stop taking it back into our own hands.  You are right He (your Hp) will have it all work out for the best for you in time.  Unfortunately I find I would rather he work on my schedule rather than on his. 


Keep coming back, keep posting, keep reading, keep going to meetings.  I hope you begin to feel more comfortable with how things are going and I hope you find the boundaries you need to be happy in your relationship.  Keep trying!!!!


Rita is right--it doesn't hurt to ask--what is the worst your a can do say "no", if he does are you in a different position than you are already in?


Good luck.


Dawn



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jennneeefffurrr


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 135
Date:
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AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! You are feeling almost as crazy as I am!!! Aint it a b*t@h?!


Detachment from my A has been the most difficult and painful experience of my life.


I have not spoken to him since Friday afternoon of last week.


This pain is REAL and I FEEL YOU!!!!!!


I am living off of these boards, my friends, my family, HOPE and of course the knowledge that the Lord is only going to offer me the burdens and blessings that HE knows I need. That His plan for me (and for you) is perfect. That I must accept that God may have ONLY brought my A into my life again for a short time so I can influence him with love and Christianity and NOW is the Lords time to work on him...I may be done with my A forever, and that is the thought that TERRIFIES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I would actually rather be maulled by a roaming pack of wild boars than live the rest of my life without being able to love and touch my A - but God has a plan and apparently it is not a plan I am to understand at this time.


Best Wishes...God Bless you and your A


JEN


 



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Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
Date:
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Aloha Angeleyes.  Let me give you a questions that was asked of me when I was bringing up your questions as a new member in the Al-Anon Family groups.  I asked those questions almost the same way you did.    I got a question back which caused me to relook at my relationship with my alcoholic.  I was asked, "So is it love or addiction?"  I went after and tried to hold on to her like she was holding on to the bottle.  No matter how bad and unacceptable it got I kept holding on.  Then I was taught that, "We are as addicted to the alcoholic as the alcoholic is addicted to alcohol except that we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality.  Thus we get sicker."  It's good that you are doing f2f meetings cause the feedback gives me different choices I can try that have saved and changed my life. Ask for and listen for suggestions and try one that is appealing and different than what you would do under the circumstances.  Of course turn the situation, yourself and your alcoholic over and don't take the situation back.  Detachment is not abandonment.  Detachment with love is, "Letting Go and letting God without peaking to see how God is doing with the problem and leaving postits with little suggestions on how you see things coming out.    If you haven't already gotten to it in your daily reading...read all the pages on detachment and get a sponsor.


(((((hugs))))) 


 



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