The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, why I’m I so afraid to let people know who I am? I keep trying to get an account going here, but I have to keep deleting and changing my account because of something I said, something someone else said or didn’t say, or because the alias I picked didn't "feel right."
I see people that have 300+ post and marvel at the fact that they can be themselves and put themselves out there that many times. I’m impressed with their dedication and stick-to-it-ness.
I guess I’m a big tester. I put something out there, test the response and run. Then I come back and do it all again. That is one reason I like the on-line meeting. People give reassurance and hope after you have “put yourself out there.”
Can I ask that someone please respond to this message so I don’t have to change my alias again?
Thank You
Reading over this, I think I sound needy. Probably has to do with needing to please people.
Welcome to MIP. I understand how you feel. I am fairly new and it took me quite awhile to post a message. Then...and now sometimes... when someone doesn't reply to my post right away...I feel rejected. I feel like my post is stupid or something or like people don't really want to hear what I have to say.
Anyway, I know that is not really true. It is my own insecurity.
I hope you will find alot of courage here to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
I remember sitting back and observing too...that's ok to do. I think it takes a bit of sinking in that you are not the only one going through this. I read posts for a couple of months before I came to that realization. The beauty of sharing here is the ability to write as much or as little and somehow walk away feeling like someone else out there really cares and quite possibly has felt the way you feel at this very moment. I wish you peace for today and the genuine knowledge that someone out there cares. Hugs, Robyn
People on here will love you, complete with all your "warts". In most Al-Anon openings, the words shared are "although you may not like all of us, over time, you will learn to love us, as we already love you".
We want you as part of our family, ALL of you.... You really have no reason to keep hiding from yourself, OR us.... Glad you are here now, and hope you stay...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hey there (((lana))) <-- btw, like that nick...is name of one of my friends who is sweet as pie! when i first got here i changed my nick a couple of times too, but mostly b/c i didn't want to be confused with others...anyhoo...i'm glad your here!
I often look for familiar nicks when I go to the message board. I follow people and there progress as a way to reflect on my own. The ESH shown through posts is amazing, not just in the replies but in what people actually post. Also, for myself, I can go back and reread all that I have posted and see my own progress. I often see people reply to others, saying that they went back to read previous posts to get a better feel for what the person is saying.
Just like walking into a room full of people, there are ways to have our needs met. When I am posting something that I really need help on right away I try to word my title in a way that conveys that, often using, ESH needed. Another thing that I have done is to post my message and then PM another MIP member who I feel can give me some particular insight and ask that they read my post. (sort of like knowing who to call from my list of phone numbers) Also, after I have posted, if I am having a particular difficulty I may go into chat and just put it out there that I have just posted something that I need some ESH on. You would be amazed at the responses, people will give a brb and go check it out, often coming back into the room saying that they have replied.
I guess what I am saying is that I have to let people know that I need help and reach out for it. I cannot expect people to read my mind, to know the exact degree of emotion that I am feeling at certain time, especially since tone, degree, inflection etc, are all lost in a written post. It is too easy for me to fall into the victim, poor me, mode and I have to be careful not to create it myself.
Just some thoughts and ideas that have worked for me.
I learned and acronym for fear that is one thing that helped me thru fear and it is, False Evidence Appearing Real. I didn't have a real reason to be afraid it was running on thoughts and feelings that were not in reality. When I started my forth step in this program I was told to do a split page forth; good on the left and bad on the right. My sponsor told me that if there were more things on the right than on the left he didn't want to see it. My impression of myself was screwed up and not true so taking a honest look at myself took time and that is why it took time and work to answer your questions for me, Who am I? I also included what am I? as apart of the search which was and is a bit deeper and the answers are more revealing like, I am a child of God...I am a kind, generous, caring person...I am a humorous person etc etc. The answer to your question probably won't come over night and one thing you might already know is that you have the courage to ask and the willingness to reach out to others for support and help. Those two things by the way go on the left side of the paper. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for the replies. This post was therapeutic for me in a couple different ways.
1) It is difficult for me to admit I have needs. 2) It is difficult for me to ask for help. 3) I have always “lived in a shell” and I’m trying to not do that as much anymore. 4) Your replies were kind, thoughtful, and helpful. 5) A lightning bolt did not strike me down.
One thing that helps me is having gone to Alanon meetings and dealt with my inhibitions and obsticles about sharing. At the meetings there is no "crosstalk", meaning people cannot interrupt you OR comment directly on what you've said, we have to just sit and be witnesses to each other's share. So I find, although I know I have a lot in common with the people in the room, I am actually talking mostly to myself -- I'm saying out loud what I've been thinking to myself, and that by itself has a positive/progressive value (it is healing step). Just the simple difference of knowing real people are listening is helpful for becoming more sensitive to myself (rather than continuing trying to escape myself).
Finding your way that you can speak what is inside you, you'll come to find a value to doing it if you give yourself room to try again later. That's why people keep doing it, they find a value and they all have their own reasons, things to say, and obsticles to overcome in sharing.
So is it safe here? The person who will be hardest on you here is you. But instead of being alone with yourself, there are all these people here who know just what it feels like when you are depressed, afraid, in grief, and alone. We're peers, not professionals. We're alike and connected.
The act of sharing, whether or not you are pleased with what you've said, is a tangible connection with others. That is a major change in our habits, those habits that keep bringing the undesireable results in progressive isolation.
First, we have to struggle to see what we actually do. Second, we then have to struggle to do something different. Lastly, we aspire to make that a way of life.
I accept you for who you are as others will. Sometimes if your self esteem is a little down you can over analyse things. Just be yourself we will be here to pick you up no matter what. Also we have all been in exactly the same spot as you and wanting to be able to implement the things we are learning but without knowing how to do it. I have a lot of posts against my name but you may have more expereience than myself in al-anon. Luv Leo xx
You gave me cause to pause and think about something that I do here online. Thank you very much for "helping me grow."
For me, when I first joined online, I did not join message board. I read and read and read for months before I actually posted yet I went to online meetings. I tend to be the type of person who tests the waters first before plunging in. However, I had been in program four years by then continually attending face to face meetings. By then, I was proud to say who I was. I am Maria, just Maria - no little, no more "she says with humility." So for me, I am who I am. But when I first got into program, I did not want anyone to know my name. Anonymity was important, in fact critical, for me.
But what you have taught me is this. In my quest to help others to feel loved, accepted and wanted in this program, I often tease "in the gentlest way" others who come in with seemingly broken nicknames. As they continue to come and I see their growth, I sometimes teasingly say sounds like it's time to change your nick because I want them to see how much I've seen their growth. Yet who am I to say that? Maybe they love being whatever nick they chose.
Thank you very much for reminding me to "accept things as they are and adjust myself to life as it comes."
yours in recovery,
Maria
P.S. I love the name Lana too
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
