The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I sit here this morning asking myself am I enabling.....maybe I'm doing the things I do for him to help myself........I don't want to feel like I just threw him away.........Also I think tIhis is one of the reasons I stayed so long........how do you just throw someone away that you love....I must have asked myself this question a million times.....I am finally realizing that I didn't throw anyone away.....he threw us away...he chose his alcohol and druge use over his family......
Once he is able to drive again, I will not have to do things for him......so in a way maybe I am not enabling, just showing some compassion for the man I have loved most of my life.....................even though I do not see that man anymore.......haven't seen him in a very long time.
I am working at my recovery the best I can, Thursday I will start going back to my f2f meetings, I'm sure that will help. Was unable to attend during school baseball.......so today will be good.....
Just trying to find a few good days among the crazy life I have been living....I will take one good day for now...............
Thank you all for your words of wisdom, I appreicate this more than you could ever know.
Aloha Andrea!! And you are sooooo right about that question, is it enabling or helping. I sure went way out of the way accepting the consequences of my spouses drinking as most all enablers do. I put my life on hold for the disease and then forgot I even had one. You can learn all kinds of different perspective in this Family Group if you keep coming back with an open mind. What I leaned was that if a person had the time, ability and facilities to take care of their responsibilities and I stepped in and took over then I was practicing enabling. If they on the other hand lacked any one of those assets AND they asked for my help, then this was helping. My alcoholic got so use to my taking over and always being on hand to bail her out of difficulties that she really thought that I was responsible for how her life would turn out. Today I prefer to ask people if they need my help and then wait for their answer. If the alcoholic is in difficulties because of her drinking, I must allow her the digintiy of working out the situation without interfering. Practice makes this easier even after some time in recovery. Keep up your program allow him to have his and make sure you can tell the difference between them. ((((((hugs))))))
Andrea: I know people who did not make much effort in their relationships and at the sign of the first obstacle gave up and divorced. You are not one of them. I think you gave it all you had. I am so so happy for you that you came into al-anon and got another perspective.
Speaking personally as someone who has had serial relationships with substance abusers I know I did that because of my people pleasing, over identification and lack of boundaries. I do not know why others stay with an A. I know even among the worst substance abuser there were good things and I tended to hang onto them. Oh and I forgot to mention I had a tremendous sense of abandonment. I would rather do anything (hang on for dear life) than experience abandonment. I know this all can be complicated by finances, health issues, obligations and more. Those are some of the reasons why I stay with my current boyfriend. I also know that leaving in clarity is better for me than leaving on the rebound. When I am perfectly clear and taking lots of action in my life things start to flow. When I am choked up in codependence I can be literally immobilized with lots of emotions I cannot sort out.
I also need to go to face to face meetings as I evolve in my program (almost 6 months for me now) and I am ever thankful for this room and the people here, among them you, who I have the grace to watch evolve and recover through great hardships.
