Learning to live side by side w/A husband while happily doing all the chores - Al-Anon Family Group

Barbara · ~*Service Worker*~

Learning to live side by side w/A husband while happily doing all the chores

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Barbara)))

I would say to do the things that you are able to do...things that you want done...things that make you feel happy when they are done. I sometimes have to do this with my non-A husband. It is not just A's that don't like to do things around the house. There are plenty of men in this world that don't do anything but work outside the home. I have learned not to have any expectations from anyone...including my husband. That has helped me a great deal. If there is something I want done and he has not done it in a reasonable amount of time...and it is something I cannot do...I try to save the money to have someone come and do it. Sometimes bartering (sp) is an option. I once watched someone's child and the mother weeded my gardens. That was such a big help to me.

I have learned that my needs cannot be met by another human being. I have no control over that. I will say that when I do contract someone to come to my house to do something my hubby gets really p----d off. But, hey...maybe he should have done it in the first place. One time I called someone to do something and I did not tell hubby and the person returned the phone call while I was out. Well, hubby cancelled the guy coming and did the work for me. I have to admit that there is a little manipulation on my part going on there.....but....I wanted it done!!!!

So take care of the things YOU want done the best way you can...things that make you have joy. If sitting out in your yard with the grass cut and trimmed makes you happy and you are not able to do it....then get someone there that can get it done for you.

Love...Gail

Belongtome · Senior Member

Yup...me too....I'm learning very well to do just that. My A takes care of cleaning the two vehicles, mowing the yard, and taking the trash to the dumpster....usually after I pile it outside the door for him.

My yard situation is that he has a small backyard to mow, and two empty lots. The front yard, I planted entirely in flowers. It's hard work, but what a joy to me!!!!! Would this work for you?

At the end of his day, he props us with his remote, soda, blankey, dogs and cigarettes, and I play fetch. From time to time he requires another soda, dinner, snack, etc. Yep, I fetch, and do it cheerfully. The option is to do it uncheerfully, and provoke a quarrel...I choose to do it happily.

For me, the revelation came with "accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can"....I can only change my attitude. I regularly give up thanks to my HP that I have so much to do that I don't have time for self-pity (on that particular day), and that working hard keeps me young, and healthy and strong.

This is just the way it is for me...I do what I can, the rest don't get done!!! I prioritize that which is most important to me, and figure the rest will wait. If I can't do something, I ask my A to take care of it...then let it go.

I am ready to hire somebody for the season to help me with my housework (the heavy stuff) and to assist me with my business. He probably won't be happy, but one of us will be and that will be me.

Good luck to you in finding your happiness in the life you are living...it is the only one we have.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Barbara...do the things you want to do and don't worry about the rest. If you are physically able, doing the yard is great exercise. I would prefer that task...I find cleaning the house to be very therapeutic. I turn on some good music , sing, dance, and get at it with a vengeance! Before I know it the place is sparkling. I think you can do these things happily, even with the active A around. Just tell him to pick up his feet when you want to vacuum under them!!!! Diva

mebjk · Senior Member

Hi, Barbara,
This is a good question. To me, it's about learning to do things without resentment. I think some people just do more than others, doesnt' matter if its the husband or the wife! I do a lot in the house, but my husband often cooks and he does all the outdoor work. He has a lot more energy than I do.
It seems as if the answers that say do what you want seem to be Alanon. Or maybe try something new and see if you like it. See how you feel.
Thanks for being here, Barbara.
Blessings,
mebjk

agatha · Veteran Member

I relate to this BIG time Barbara. If taking care of the house was all I had to do it would be much easier but most of us have full time jobs and children and all that goes along with that. It's easy to get so wieghed down with it all that you soon realize all the fun time has gone out of you life.

For me the resentment is the hardest part. Along with the program what I find helps is to ask myself everyday, "What do I want my life to be?", "What kind of Mom would I be if he weren't here?", "If he weren't here what would my home look like?". And what ever the anwser is, I do that.

Hang in there.

Agatha

peewee · Senior Member

Barbara. I too relate to your situation. My hub is disabled, among other things, and the most he does in the yard is to pull weeds for one hour. The rest is up to me. My suggestion is to Simplify. Get rid of grass lawn, and plant groundcover. and if you enjoy flowers, plant what you like and what is easy to grow in your area.

As for the house, there I am somewhat obsessed with keeping it clean and tidy, but my expectations need to be lowered for my sanity. Otherwise, I chase myself in circles. He is the opposite of a neatnik, which drives me nuts. He just doesn not care. So, I just do what affects me most, and to heck with the rest.

Also, I am seriously considering hiring a maid to do floors .

This may or may not help you with the practical side of living, but believe me the important part is to take time to do what you like, even if it isn't cleaning!!!

Make it simple and easy, and be nicer to yourself.

MsPeewee

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Barbara,

So glad you posted this question. I needed to hear from people who are trying to be happy and stay side by side with their A's. I used to have a great deal of resentment and frustration towards my A because I felt the equality of the work load in the home was so unbalanced. Working this program and getting down to what I need to be o.k. has allowed me to step back and re-evaluate what I call major important things to get done, and not so important things to get done. I love my house clean and sparkly but I know having it like that everyday is not realistic with two toddlers and a husband, so I settle for sparkly on the weekends when I have time to clean and get things done like I like it done. During the week I do maintenence cleaning and save the big stuff for the weekends. My A cook's a majority of the time, he cleans, does laundery, we take turns taking out the trash etc. The stuff that really got under my craw was the clothes piled up on the floor, whiskers in the sink, pee on the floor cause they missed, children's clothes piled up, and the dust OMG! Now, I kick the clothes to his side, wipe the whiskers off the bathroom counter and get a sponge out with some quick spray cleaner to wipe up any messes. I don't rage and get resentful about the things that he chooses not to do because I have a choice. I can do it myself to my liking, leave it alone, or get someone else to help me out. Excellent idea of getting a handy man or paying a friend to help out when hubby can't. He feels put out too, because of that macho " I'm the man I can do it" attitude. I used to say well then do it!! Not anymore, I'll say well I wasn't sure when you'd have the time so I just went ahead and got someone to help you out, or just did it myself to lend a hand. When I'm tired I rest and if he has something to say about it, I let him talk, and then politely tell him, I'm on a break and it will get done. When its done with a happy heart I feel good about it too. My A seems to appreciate the extra effort and he enjoys looking at a clean home too.

Twinmom~

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