I am a wife of an alcoholic.  I married him when I was 22 yrs old, and he was my best friend.  My saviour from a homelife with a bipolar mother.  I was independent, strong, and determined at that time, and had the great wall of China built up around me, and brick by brick, he knocked it down and I let him in.  I got pregnant, and we married just before my daughter turned one.  I felt I was too young, but in hind sight, I ended up asking him when he was going to marry me, and we went to the justice of the peace.  VOILA, I was married...to a man i thought i could trust.  He was wonderful the first few months..coming home at lunch daily....and then it happened.  He started not calling, blowing his paychecks on Fridays at the bar, and I was convinced I was stuck, but that it would change.  Denial began at that point, and I was stuck in it for the past 13 yrs.

Countless times, we would argue over the years about his behavior.  I started to blame drinking, and through growth, I quit preaching that sermon to him, and just tried to tell him that his presence was needed at home, and that we needed to be his priority..not his friends, or anyone else that called him for help.  A few months after we were married, his ex wife dropped his two children from their marriage at our doorstep, and i had an instant family.  I was resentful, because not only was I being neglected, but I was left to raise children that weren't even legally my responsibility.  He was absent from that point on.  It was all on me.

Through the years, I decided that i had to be strong.  We had another child three years after my daughter, and the Brady Bunch was complete.  (without Mike of course...i could have used an Alice too).  I had a purpose...to be there for these children when nobody else would be...and so I began the journey of trying to raise these kids together as a family and roll with the punches that come with a drinking spouse.  I can not tell you how many times he put himself on the wagon.  A desire i wanted to trust, but over time, lost faith in.

  Most recently, my oldest boy, David (stepson) turned 18 and left home.  He is currently on probation for drug abuse, but left with not job, place to go, and has been crashing at ppl's houses for the last 2 months.  I love that child as if he were my own, and did all I could to stop his drug use, including calling the sheriff when we found him smoking the second time...long story, but all about accountability, and today, i am trusting him to take care of the child i love...and letting him go.  My husband has been in a tailspin ever since David left the house.  I truly feel that he is envious of this kid and the freedoms that he has at this time in his life.  I know he sees himself.  ANYWAY, we had been struggling for the last two months with our relationship, and my husband spent his birthday (8 days before David's) at the bar..all day long.  I had promised to come and get him when I got off work, because he wanted to do this on his own for the day, and would need someone to drive him....When we were leaving the bar, I climbed into his truck, to start the engine, and my husband was not at the passenger door.  I looked out of the back window, and there he stood, with his back to the truck, staring at the bar.  I gave him his time, and he got into the truck.  I asked if he was alright, and he said simply, "you don't understand.  I have to give this up, but i don't want to...I like drinking...but if i don't, it will kill me".  He had tears in his eyes, and didn't speak the whole ride home.  I wanted to be supportive, but could not bring myself to say anything......an opportunity lost?  Who knows...he was drunk, so i could not have said anything to him that would matter.  NOTE:  as with the other realizations, he made this decision on his own..i did not force his hand.

Anyway, he stopped for about a week, and then when David left, all bets were off.  He fell into a deep depression, was disconnected from the family, and lost his job which he has held (employed by a friend) for years.  I too was getting to the point that I couldn't do this anymore, and finally confronted him, telling him that I was unhappy, and that I did not want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage that is not loving or nurturing.  I was not going to continue to beg somebody to love me!"  He came right back with the comment "I have tried to quit for 13 yrs, Jenn, and I am tired.  I am not going to change, things are not going to change, and you need to quit expecting me to be somebody I am not."  We have seperated 3 times before, all at his prompting, and I always took him back.....due to the hope factor...that things would change...wrong again.

A new development.  He had been working out of town, making it sound like he was working and sleeping.  I took the checkbook out, and was going over the finances, when I looked at the statement and saw over $800.00 taken out in counter checks over a 30 day period.  I was livid....but did not confront him in a harsh manner, just asked him to explain where the money was going.  Not to sound possessive, but I have been the only person bringing in any money for the last two months....he spent one week's worth of my income on himself without talking to me about it.  He refused to explain where the money went, except to say that he ate, and used the money for some beers.....I had had it.

Friday, he called me to tell me that he was going to a party, and would be home after that...it was 1000p, and he had not returned my call on his cell asking him to meet me so that we could talk about what had happened....when he told me what he was doing, i told him that he did not need to come home.  I explained that i love him, and am going to say something i never wanted to say to him...but since he had apparently checked out of our marriage already, I was making a decision .....I told him that we needed to end this cycle...again he said "I think you are a great person...and i love you...but i am not going to change".  With that, we were seperated.

My mother in law, a recovering alcoholic of 16 yrs is in full support of me.  She wants me to be strong......stand my ground......and I plan to anyway.  I called her immediately.

He called me on Sunday, Mother's Day, and wished me a happy day....this was the first time i heard the old hubby....and the first kind thing i have heard out of his mouth in months.  I was calm, thanked him, and he asked if he could come and get his things...i said yes, and sensed he was testing the waters and my resolve.  He said he would call that evening, and he did not......i had no expectations of him at that point (a survival tactic that has saved me more than once).  He has still not picked up his things, and we are going on almost a week.

Following his visit to his mother's house, i got a call from her..she said he mentioned nothing of a seperation, and seemed fine...They had lighthearted conversation, and she aske how David was doing....at that point, my mother in law informed me  that AH blamed me for David leaving...despite AH's constant reminders and birthday countdowns to David that he could not wait...1 more week and you're gone...three more days....etc.  HE BLAMED ME!..I was livid..but have not and will not justify that accusation with a response....

Right now, I am struggling with the fact that I still have hope....I still love my husband.  He has not contacted any of the children, and they are devastated...i also fight the urge to contact him...i fell into that cycle early on in the marriage...calling constantly when he was not home...when he broke a promise...when i wanted to know what he was doing.....a cycle.....I almost called him once...but hung up....why that is such a temptation, i don't know....because he is choosing not to contact our kids...and it makes not sense to me, but sense is in short supply with an alcoholic loved one.

Sorry to be so lengthy...but as with all of us, our situations are complicated...

I could just use some advice on how to detach.....i find myself trying to get into his head...and am convinced that he is trying to put off the inevitable...by picking up his things.....or that he is too ashamed to face his family.....or that he is convinced that I don't mean it...but it is quite likely that he doesn't really care about the clothes...and that he doesn't care about us...and that he is out partying it up...

Any techniques to avoid the analysis?

What do I say to soothe my kids?

Is this hopeless?

Jen