The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It may be hard to imagine we can ever experience personal freedom. We may be enmeshed in a troubled family situation, and are also intertwined with others. However, alanon helps us develop our own personalities, which reinforces personal freedom by leaving others alone to control their lives. No matter how closely we are involved with family and friends, we are a separate individual, free to be ourselves and live in serenity and joy.
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I relate to and understand this reading. When I came to alanon, I had been trying to stop my A from drinking for a number of years. I thought I had all the answers for my spouse. All I really had was misery, anxiety, and a sense of being out of control. As I kept attending meetings and working with my sponsor, I was able to put the focus on myself. This freed up a lot of time and energy so that I got to know myself, and see what I needed. Life became better and has stayed better. I do have serenity and joy much of the time.
When I was married to my exH, I literally forgot I had choices in life. I forgot so many things. Living in chaos does terrible things to a brain, even if you are sober.
The most problematic "forget" - I forgot that I have a right to live in peace. Even if I am married.
Now that I'm away from that terrible situation, it's like I remember a "new" thing every day! I remember that
- I don't have to repeat myself. I am not responsible for what people remember or don't. The consequences of not listening to me are not my problem.
- I don't have to apologize for things that don't require an apology. Like being busy at my job.
- Enabling isn't love. Denying isn't love. Hiding isn't love. Avoiding conflict because I hate fights isn't love.
I also find that now that I'm not so busy repeating, apologizing, etc... I have time to do things I Should. Like:
- showing up for myself. Doing the things that I need to do to make my life work.
- showing up for my friends. Celebrating their good days, holding space for them when they need it, telling people that I care for them. In short, letting them know that they have Been Seen.
- showing up for my kids. Recently one kid had a sporting event. He's plenty independent and and wasn't expecting him to be looking for me. But after every play, he looked for me. I waved. (The stands were only a few yards from the field. ) When he got injured, he let me know he was ok. I let him know I saw. I was so glad I had decided to attend and that I he was able to see me. My exH showed up with less than three minutes to go in the game. He told son that he had been there for 30 minutes. I could have said something very snarky, but I didn't. Because I remembered that my son's relationship with his father is not mine to judge or influence. All I have to do is be the parent that shows up. For real.
Thank goodness for the rediscovery of my personal agency!!
