The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My heart is at war with my brian right now. Actually it has been for quite some time. For years I have listened to my heart saying just be patient he will see what life could be and this will make both of you better people, a truly intimate couple. My brain has always had a few reservations. Now there are many reservations, it's been 13 years. Ample oppurtunity, ample dry spells, always returning to this same spot.
Only this time my head is winning. I am taking care of myself even when I don't want to or feel worthy of it. I do not believe that asking him to do the same for himself is too much. I have lost weight, went through numerous tests, been poked, prodded, evaluated medications for myself, joined Alanon, embraced the steps, used the slogans, prayed done everything in my power in order to keep myself healthy for myself, for him and our life together. I may not have been perfect but I tried d### hard.
I could ramble and vent about how my expectations of him doing the same were not met. But it is pointless. If the desire to live well and care for yourself is not there it just isn't there. I'm struggling with understanding and accepting that even though it is not really my business.
I saw him so hyped on drugs Thurs night that he couldn't go anywhere but home. It was the first time I have seen him high in many years. It was very sad. I watched a movie and he paced, until I fell asleep. He was offended when I asked if I was safe being here, I confirmed that it was a smart thing to ask, he agreed. I was informed he has decided to quit his job, not telling them just not going Thurs or last night. I didn't make any comments but it does make me lean more towards divorce, without a job or insurance there is no benefit for a legal seperation for me. Except this with a legal seperation I believe I would still have the next of kin rights, the thought of what decisions his family would make frankly terrifies me. Why I feel like I owe him this last thing I have no idea. I'm worried on this part because of his recent high blood pressure which the over the counter stimulants cause usually a little while before they cause a stroke.
In preparation I have spoken to my brother, Dad and uncles ... gonna need some help getting stuff done around here in case I need to sell the house quickly. I'm trying to get my mind set on placing animals and I have a friend who owns storage units thankfully. He just finished getting them all built and ready to rent out a few months ago. It's so strange thinking of all these things that need to be done and not talking to my husband about it. It's our life and he is in no condition to be a part of it.
I better get my things ready for the weekend away and work. If anyone has any ESH especially on the divorce/legal seperation part please share. I still love him, but the true him is not in there anymore ... and I can't watch right now.
Jennifer - I am currently seperated from my AH, I am fortunate enough that we are going to use the same lawyer and have divided the property ourselves, so far things are going well. The house was mine before we were married and we will just have some equity issues to work since he did contribute while we were together. I do have pictures and people who have seen him that will help me if he flips on me and wants to get ugly. I did a lot of preplanning before I left, took my time and set myself up financially first. Got all my money seperated from his, honestly, whether he believes it or not. Got insurance policies changed before I left and just took care of the details a little at a time and didn't make any hasty decisions. I talked with friends a LOT. Just follow your heart.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Underneath all your plans and attempts to move on, I hear the sadness.I understand it,because I have been going through something similar.
I recently posted about the man I loved being completely gone from the man I see.I do not think he is ever coming back.I will always miss him though.I have been married 36 years.We are about to separate and it is just so strange.My life as I have known it will change completely,but I am finally starting to see that it is a good thing.I need to stop looking for the love I used to get from my husband,the man who is gone,because it,he,is not there.I too have been baffled by his choices of late.I see what we could have had,what we used to have,and what I think he is throwing away.Friends and family all see it.They wonder if he's lost his mind.But no matter what anyone says to him,he just cannot see it.He is rushing headlong into a trainwreck and there's no stopping him.
People tell me that he will wake up someday and realize what he lost and will be sorry.He may want me back but it will be too late.I'm not so sure if that will ever happen.It would have to be the other man, the one I loved coming back.Probably not very likely.I think the disease killed him off.
This may sound strange but I love him enough to hope that he finds happiness without me if that is what it takes.I do not want to get in the way of that.My dreams abviously are not his dreams.Not anymore.
Keep focusing on yourself and coming to alanon.I can see growth in your posts.
I do not have any knowledge of the legal side of separation/divorce.We are not wealthy so there will not be alot to split.The house is being sold.He does not care much about material things so he won't fight me on any of that.Besides, he plans to live in a used motor home and travel.
I believe the way out of the pain is through.It's not fun,but when you get through you can leave it behind. Love and hugs d
