The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel grief as most do when they have a loss but I am not lost. I feel some sense of relief most days. I just keep plugging away & somehow I thrive not just survive. I need the peace that this program gives as I move towards happiness. I can find happiness if I just let it happen. These days I even find myself laughing which is a big part of who I am today. My husband would have wanted me to enjoy my life & try to move on. I guess I can honor that wish at least. But, there are obstacles to the whole idea of letting go. I have a used car that he bought way before he died. I guess I probably mentioned before that I don't drive & don't intend to at any time in the future. Anyhow, someday I might want to sell it. But, not today. I am not looking for advice just letting go of some thoughts on the matter. I will probably sell it if I need to. Right now I feel that he would want me to hold onto it for a bit. There are many things that go along w/ keeping it. You all could probably imagine what they might be so I won't get into it on here. I just want to have my thoughts in print on here.
These are some of my thoughts as of lately. I miss him terribly & have celebrated his birthday already. On the 17th of July we would have been married 24 years. Wow! I just had a thought! The time we would have spent together is the difference between our ages. Odd but oh well... What I am getting at is that I will be reaching another anniversary & an important day in time.
When I went to the cemetery on his birthday the military marker was on his grave. Just in time for his birthday. I spent some time decorating & visiting w/ my Al anon friend. She made the day so much more bearable as well. We went to see a movie which was what I would have done w/ him.
Back to where I am recovery-wise. I am doing the do's & trying not to do the don'ts. I am living life on life's terms & only doing what I feel is in front of me to do. My life is only the product of what I can do to help others. Whatever I find to do to benefit someone else it what I am going to do. And, being honest is more on the agenda than before. I realized that w/my husband that I had a tendency to lie when the truth would do. I was so afraid that he would freak out & maybe leave me if I did certain things. So, he used to say the above statement a lot. He was a very wise man who never held back his thoughts on recovery. It is no wonder that he kept coming back & celebrated 16 years of sobriety at his last meeting before the cancer surgery. I was so blessed to know a man of integrity & generosity. He was the best part of me. I realize all this now because my contact w/ God has gotten closer & I am able to see the things w/ new eyes & not rose-colored glasses like before. The truth has indeed set me free. Oh, & I was given an infinity coin from his AA group. I guess that means that he will always be sober.
So, this is where I am today. Now holds barred. I want to be the best me & share her w/ all of you. I want to be an example & show my purpose to the world. You are all witnessing a miracle. I am that person I always wanted to be.
It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to be doing on your own pace and timeline. How lovely that his group gave you an infinity coin. Sober forever seems like a pretty awesome thing.
