The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wrote the other day about the hardships I am going through with my A boyfriend. Yesterday, day after the bad night, he told me that it was all over. He is going to stop, he is going to get treatment, he knows that if he doesn't he is going to lose me, that he will end up destroying himself. Of course, I am skeptical. I told him that this is his thing, it has to be for him, I will be supportive of his progress, but that's it. So I went to his last night. He is in a complete state of self-loathing. Is it bad that that makes me feel good? He is adamant that he has to change because he will not lose me. At the same time, it was like I already felt this rift forming between us. I layed in bed, seperated from him by inches, but it felt like miles, and I wondered if this was just the beginning of a darkness that is going to grow. He has been through programs 2 times before (before us) but says that he has never taken it seriously before. He figured he was just young and allowed to be stupid. He thinks that now he is past that. I don't know.
My heart goes out to you, been there too with my A hubby...... Over time I have come to the realization that it is not about him but me, it is not about saving him but me, it is not about saving the relationship but building a relationship with myself, sad to say that at 43 I discovered I did not know myself really nor did I have a good relationship with myself so how could I possibly have a relationship with someone else?...... I know about the rift too well, my A hubby wants a reconciliation at right now, at this moment in my life while working step 4 I am realizing that I cannot at this point in my life close the rift ... it is too wide ...... too much pain for me to deal with.... so, I have just turned my A hubby to my HP, my relationship, my feelings, everything ....... I have a tendency to tell my HP what to do, what I want, what makes me happy, what would need to happen to make things better but slowly I am learning not to do that but to ask that what is BEST FOR ME be done, after all, last time I checked (with my reading glasses on and much to my chagrin) that my birth certificate did not include Sandy HP W...... in my name.
Stay safe, stay in the program, let it go and let god and smile....... for today is one more day in your wonderful journey of self discovery and recovery.
