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My husband, who is in jail just called me grilling me about where I was last night (at work) why was still sleeping (I am depressed and didnt want to wake up) and then got jmad at me for being depressed because he said he is the one that should be depressed and when i said, its not all about you he said "yes it is, this life is all about me. I have been thinking about it and it s about me this time." I responded "so then you want a divorce?" and he said "yes, Ill have my Dad take care of it, he would love to" and I started crying and he said"f#$@ you" and hung up on me.
Then he called me back and the phone kept cutting us off and when he finally got thru he accused me of doing it on purpose and then told me not to come see him, he wont see me, he doesnt want to talk to me at all because I am to depressed and its making it way too hard on him and he wont be calling me at all. He has said this before and stuff but it always comes out of nowhere. iTs like he gets all angry for no reason and takes it out on me.
I cant "Suck it up" like he tells me to. I AM SO DEPRESSED. I cant eat, all I do is work, go to meetings and sleep. I dont have any friends in this town because I was with him all the time. Nothing makes me happy at all. I dont know what to do about it. I am already on antidepressants. I think I am just sad because my life is all turned upside down and its mothers day and my mom died 3 years ago and I lost my dream job and Im waiting tables and my husband is an alcoholic and in jail and Im contemplating divorcing him. It seems like its kind of normal to be depressed. MAybe not.
Anyway, he just hung up on me I think. Its so hard to tell with the phones where he is, they just cut you off. But he isnt calling me back. So I dont know why I cant just leave him. Why on earth would Ilove someone like this? God, I just dont know whhat to do or how to handle any of this. Is it me? Or him? Is he right?
Unfortunately, many of us are familure with this behavior. It is one of the horrible symptoms of this disease. They are very self centered, not all admit it directly, but seems to be a very common thing. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
The you didn't cause it part of that means, He is saying these things because he is sick, not because you did anything wrong.
My AW was screaming at me that I need a class in how to treat a woman... She is the only person that seems to think I need help with basic interpersonal skills. Of course it upset me, but I am learning that when they say something that just doesn't make sense, then I just don't have anything to be upset about. (Not that I'm good at that yet... but I'm learning)
Take heart... try some F2F meetings and keep coming back here. Everyone here understands your pain.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hi Sarahlm: I am so so sorry that you are going through this difficult period of time in your life. I know just how hard it is and how awful it feels. So hurting and I know for myself, that I used to feel so so abused by my A when he use to blame me for all of HIS problems that HE brought on himself. There came a point after being in Alanon for a time that I had to discern whether or not he was 'safe' to talk to. I came to a conclusion at that time (when I was 1st new in here) that I could not talk to him about how I was feeling or what was going on, etc., etc. He was unable to 'hear' me and even when it appeared that he did - he ALWAYS turned it around back on to me so that it APPEARED that it was my fault for whatever it was that was going on - and he NEVER took responsibility for his own actions within the marriage. It was as if I was married to myself, and not him. Duh! The only thing I can say is that I stayed in the meetings, went to work, cried on the phone to my alanon friends, and even when I was by myself...forced myself to go out (I also had no friends because I had always been w/him)...and read alanon literature. I tried to stay out of confrontations with him. I bit my tongue and smiled. I prayed even when I didn't want to. Eventually I got better and became better able to handle myself within the situation. It takes a little bit of time, however, God will get you through this, and please stay here. We don't always like everyone, but we do love everyone. No one judges here, and we can love you until you love yourself. Give yourself some time and just stay the course even though you feel like burying yourself. We have all been there in one way or another and for me, I definitely understand where you are at. God Bless, Scamper
Well I ahve no idea what he did that got him in jail , but I would bet it had nothing to do with you . It is always about them or so they think, that is the disease. Untreated nothing will change for him . Keep going to your meetings make friends from your f2f , life will get easier .
You do have choices , you don't have to pick uup the phone ,why play the game. Making this about u is ajust another way for himto not take responsibility for his behavior. don't take it on it's his problem leave it with him. One foot in front of the other one day at a time you can do anything,and the good news is u don't have to do it alone anymore. Once settled in this program alone is a choice. good luck Louise
Sarah, Abbyal has said what I am thinking. I'm so sorry for your situation and pain. Yes, no wonder you're depressed, who wouldn't be? Please keep coming back to MIP, and don't give up before the miracle . You are a caring person, I know, and you now can come here and learn how to care for yourself. Your best friends will probably be in your alanon face to face meetings, but you can come here to your other loving friends any time of day or night.
ditto, my AH left last night for "fishing" even though i knew he had been drinking. he would not admit it nor tell me why. he says"see ya in a few weeks" and laughs it off like he wasn't planning on returning. so, what am i supposed to think. i already have one divorce under my belt, i feel depressed too, and full of anxiety and fear, i try to remember that God loves me perfectly and i can trust in that, but i feel alone, even around other people,
i am sick to my stomach and just want to run away, maybe he is pushing me to or maybe he wants to pick a fight so he can have an excuse to drink, i don't know.
the sea of uncertainty is worse than the storms of despair.
