The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been separated from my A for two months now. He relapsed after a year of sobriety (no program) It was the most horrible thing I have ever been through, like watching someone die. Things are improving and he will not attend AA but is reading a religious book and plans to attend church with me when I come back. I am moving back next Friday. This time alone has been very good, I am learning to take care of myself.
I am afraid, of course. I pray every single day that God just keeps him happy, and alive. It is so hard to turn things over to God. This is just a frightening situation. I am so happy to be coming home, but on pins and needles, worried about when he will drink again. I am figuring at this point, it is inevitable. Five years, two years? When can I expect the next hurricane? I have been reading "Getting Them Sober" and it is very good.
Just venting a little. Wondering if anyone has been there. It is really tough when the person you love is your best friend, but has this problem that is lurking there. Of course, after this whole separation my whole family knows (and his) and is judgmental and wondering why the hell I would go back. I am not ready to divorce and sell the house, etc. We've been together 17 years.
I just wanted to let you know that I have been there. My AH has been to treatment twice, and after the second time he successfully quit drinking...for about two years. He stopped attending AA meetings and has rapidly regressed to the same point he was at when he stopped two years ago. I, like you, have faced the disapproval from my family and am also not ready to let go of our relationship. Our daughter just turned one year old and I'm not ready to take her away from her father. He has quit now for two days and has attended two meetings and gotten a sponsor and is meeting with his counselor today. I pray and hope that this time will be for good, but I have to remember that it is his choice. I can pray for him, support him in his efforts, but ultimatly, it is up to him and his hp. I have to put my faith and trust in that, that is what helps get me through my days, and nights.
I hope that helped, my prayers are with you. Remember, don't give up just before the miracle happens.
Hi Heidi: I know how u r feeling. I have been in the same situation...back and forth ever since I met my A, which has been a while...over 20 yrs. He is not active, however, he has been 'dry' for a while. He is on medication, still smokes like a fiend and still I love him. Thank "God" I am in alanon because this program and the people in it have sustained me through the ups and downs that I have gone through over the years. It is not an easy situation to be in, and no one can make the choice for u. We can love you through the day and pray for you and your family and only give u our experience, strength and hope. I wish you the best and know for sure, that if you remain here with us, all will be okay. God bless...Scamper
I am also in the same situation. My A has tried program a few times had a sponser the longest period of sobriety for him was 6 months. He is actively drinking now. We were seperated for seven weeks and both made the choice to reconcile. I realized for myself what I needed to do to take care of myself and understood that getting sober is his choice, just like working my program and committing myself to recovery is my choice. Things have been much better since we have reconciled. My A is learning to allow me the time I need to focus on myself, and I'm learning to stay out of his business, it has been a long hard road, but healing is happening and all that is due to HP not me. My family also knew all our garbage because I told them everything when we were separated. I had to make a decision about my family and let them gently know that it's my choice to try and keep my family together and I would not be sharing the intimate details of our family any longer not just for them but to allow dignity for my A. My family was willing to accept my boundaries and I've tried really hard to use uplifting words about my A and turn all the other issues over to HP. Prayer has made a big difference in my life. My A is growing slowly but growth none the less. This is your choice and your family, share only what you are comfortable sharing with family. Good luck to both of you.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Been there and done that, tough situation. I separated from my A, a year ago this Summer and have not gone back. Our relationship is still volatile. We have been married for 22 years. He is happy that I am working the program with quiet reminders of how I needed it because of "how screwed I was that I made everyone's life miserable hence, the reason for drinking". He did the program over 20 years ago, for 2 years, but never got a sponsor nor worked the steps, he was at the meetings but not really there. In other words, he did the talk but did not walk the walk.
This crazy situation affected my children tremendously until it forced me to talk the talk and walk the walk......... My A. wants a reconciliation but he will not do the program as he is ok but we are not. My kids and I are now in Alanon and the kids are also in NA. Will I go back? I do not know, all I know is that now, I refuse to walk on eggshells, I refused to allow myself to be intimidated and paralyzed by fear, I refuse to take the blame and feel shame for things that I were not of my own doing; the only one that has an answer is my HP and to HIM I turn things to awaiting his answer while I am working STEP 4 again.......... once I am honest, truly honest with myself I know I will know the answer as to whether go back or move on.
I am practicing patience with myself as I did with others for many years....... so for me, my reconciliation at this moment, is to LET IT GO AND LET GOD...........
Stay safe, stay in program......... IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT AND YOU ARE WORTH IT!
