The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For years I thought my way was the right way. Living with active alcoholism makes us search for answers and find solutions to "fix" the problem. I would try this and then try that only to fail each time miserabley, but I persisted to the point where I hit my bottom. For years as his alcoholism progressed, I was in a roller coaster of emotions in trying to prove I was right and he was wrong. I tried manipulating situations so the A wouldn't drink. I would try feverishly to keep his drinking buddies away, thinking I was controlling his drinking. Yet again failing miserabley, and only to provoke the anger of the A, which in the end turned into rage towards me. Before alanon I thought I knew the right way to handle my situation. If I kept making snide remarks about his drinking, surely he would stop, if I cooked great meals surely he would come home after work , if I dolled myself up surely he would stay home, if I rented a move that HE would like surely he would stay home etc etc. In my insanity trying to control him thinking this time I have the answer for him getting his sobriety, I just ended up a broken spirited shell of a woman, who was literally homicidal, suicidal, and had no self worth left in me. I can see now after some time in alanon that I do not have all the answers nor did I ever. I cannot get inside the head of another person no matter how hard I have tried. The only person I can change is myself, in saying that this slogan comes to mind,,,,Live and Let Live
WOW. Love the honesty and truth in your post. It really hit home with me. Our behavior tends to be if only we could make them see the truth (our truth) and do what is right (in our sight)... Thanks!
It is so hard to continue to do different things and get the same results. I, too tried and tried everything and miserably failed. I have been separated from my drinking husband for two months now, and he has been a lot better and begged me to come back. We have been talking and although he doesn't care for AA, is reading a religious book and is planning to attend a church near our house. I am still so afraid things will go horribly wrong again, but all I can do is pray and have faith. I am moving back home next Friday. We are best friends without the alcohol involved.
All I know is I do NOT have all of the answers, my HP does. Whatever happens, happens for a reason, and I do know that in this time away, I have learned to take care of me. I have to continue that progress, and worry about me and my part.
I was really taken back when I read this too. Before ((((ImOkay)))) posted I was thinking to myself, I wish I could put this in an email to my AW. Maybe she would understand why I am such a mess. <sign>
So I'm officially changing my answer.... NO apparently I have not yet admitted to myself that I don't have all the answers... but I'm working on it.
Thank you so much for sharing just what I needed to hear today!
I really love this place, have I mentioned that before?
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Loved your post! I too struggled with it as I took all the blame and shame for years. I was so distorted, truly insane, at one point I even thought that if we had money to buy more expensive booze the drinking would not be so bad as I thought it was the fault of cheap licquor that caused the effects of the drunkeness.....the more expensive the booze the less drunk the alcoholic would get. Finally, I went to Alanon which saved my life as it was unmanageable. I did not know that alcoholism would have devastating effects on my family, I thought I covered up pretty well, WRONG!.... My children became potheads and eventually finished up using heroine. Now, they too are in NA and Alanon. The main alcoholic in our lives is still in denial and does not acknowledge the problem. I moved out of our house a year ago this Summer and life for the 3 of us has been more peaceful and serene that is until the alcoholic comes searching for us again. Finally, after a long battle, working the steps and with my sponsor I was able, FINALLY, to set boundaries and have them respected. I thought I had all the answers, that I knew what was best. WRONG! When I could not find the answers once I hit bottom, I used to question myself, my HP and everything in general........ I do not anymore, now I just LET GO AND LET GOD and as someone wisely said at a meeting "We should allow them the dignity to make their own decisions"........ Never understood it until now. My decision? Recovery for myself and set an example to my children in the hope that they too will continue on their path to recovery everyday of their lives.
Funny... "in saying that" I think of the 3 C's but I always think of them in the pro-active sense... I can change myself, control myself therefore; cure (fix) myself.
I have sd countless times... (I think growing up ACOA I have reason to understand A's...) we are more screwed up (nat(urally) in common speech, I'd never say such words... I prefer more graphic & vulgar language...) to get my point across ~
It is 'true' in a sense that 'we' cannot control another BUT we do & can effect changes in another - perhaps when 'they' did not instigate it....
YES A's go "crazy/mad" when 'we' make changes... Yes we are more screwed up then they are, they do NOT want changes... A's want everything to maintain the same. In reality-ville, in nature; everything changes & this is our only constant. The A's don't want anything to change.
Focus on yourself... you deserve your own best attention.
God Bless, love & light -K
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
GG gads I took in a rescue, a homeless woman who was living in her van. Everytime we talked she would tell me what to do, tell me how to do it. And I would tell her my way and of course she said it would not work.
I finally wrote her a note, "There is more than one way to do something, If I want advice I will ask for it, and I do not tell others what to do."
She wrote me a note she is leaving the end of June..says "I" don't want to communicate.
lol oh well. Of course I know everything. hahaha. All I know is my experience and how I see it. Does not make it right at all.
I know I learn all kinds of things from people here. Probably stuff no one realized they were saying.
I post these questions, and respond in raw details in how I was. I know for me to heal is to speak of my character defects and share truthfully how I have reacted. I am not proud of who I was, and even today I blurt our things or do things without thinking first how it will affect someone else. It is truly a learning process, LOL I am far from perfect, and my main reason for posting such things is to show others that they are not alone! I know for me hearing others share at meetings their thoughts and their reactions to living with an A has brought me to understand that I am not crazy, (well not entirely crazy anyway lol), and that we can only help ourselves on our journey of life and not anyone elses. I hope these questions help others as well. Thank you for your responses, it all helps! One Day at a time!
