The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reflecting over some of my recent behavior, none of which was outrageous or bad per se, but the motives have been less than pure. I've noticed that even after so much work done in the other program, I find that I still go to extreme lengths to gain approval from others. Of course, it's so much easier not being a slobbering drunk to do that, but the point is I know that it's still ego that drives me to do that. I happened to be reading in one of the daily readers (don't remember which one had this in it...) that made me think this is a common problem among Alanon-ers (more evidence that I truly DO belong in both programs!!!) so I was wondering if indeed others in the program also struggle with this and what do they do when addressing this particular character defect?
I mean, I know it's normal to appreciate feedback, it's nice to feel accepted and/or approved of, but I think it must be pretty out of whack when it actually drives decisions and behaviors.
So, any input on this would be much appreciated - thanks in advance!
Very interesting point! As I start looking at some of my behaviors today in relation to growing up with an active A, I see that this is a side effect for me from years of ppl pleasing, (or the desire to do so)
Pleasing my AF almost never happened, I can only describe it as trying to shoot a clay pigeon with a bow and arrow. He never had the same opinion twice, so meeting his expectations was nearly impossible.
Now that I am an adult, I find I really seek out oportunities to prove to myself that I can please people, that my childhood inability to please my Dad was a fluke. So now that I'm looking for it, I see cases where I do things in order to gain that approval.
Still working through when that is healthy (evaluating appropriate gifting, appreciated assistance as opposed to butting in) and when it's not.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My thought is, first we need to gain approval of ourselves.
The way I did this was by starting to change my self talk to all positive. Over time it came natural not to put myself down. Also I gained it by really doing everything to the best of my ability. I knew I did my best, so of course I approved of me.
We are always too hard on ourselves. We are all individuals who can only do what we can do. Does no good to compare.
How can anyone approve or not approve of someone else? That would be judging and that is not my job. I don't feel anyone has the right to approve or disapprove of me. Heck with someone who does.
No one really knows me, but me. I may not like that someone lives with someone without being married. But I don't tell them I approve or disapprove. It is not my business.
If someone stays with their A, that is their decision.
Well anyway this is how I feel. If you love yourself, flaws and all, then who cares what anyone else thinks? If ya make a mistake, so what? Forgive yourself, ask for forgiveness and do better.
love is all forgiving, keeps no account of injury, love never fails, debilyn
