Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: 4/11/23 ODAT Not ‘Why them?’, Why Me…

~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 951
4/11/23 ODAT Not ‘Why them?’, Why Me…

This writer observes some newcomers' desire to understand the why of alcoholic drinking, rather or more than why and how they allowed their own lives to become derailed. 

The answer for the former comes easy to no one. Alanon guides us to a high level, but sufficient concept that they suffer from an illness. We cannot change their thinking and desires directly, but can do best for them and ourselves by addressing our own attitudes. 

Reminder: It is a blessing and relief to have the resources to tackle our challenges with confidence, hope, and serenity. Openness and honesty with our own struggles allows growth opportunities for ourselves and could open room for a miracle to work for the alcoholic. 

"Let me free myself from the illusion that I can do anything directly to conquer the disease from which the alcoholic suffers. I need not suffer from another's illness, if only I am willing to accept help for myself. This indirectly helps the alcoholic." 
Recently I see how I am making excuses to focus on the what of others, rather than the what and why of me. This always precedes a drop or loss in my serenity. 

I have been telling myself I need to work on and adjust another to help, but what I am doing is trying to control. I must return to the basics: basic knowledge and understanding of them, put the work into adjusting how I interact to increase my serenity.

I make it more difficult for all when I stray from ALanon guidance; grateful for the reminders




"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 

~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2672

Thanks Paul for your service and ESH. Living with an active alcoholic is no easy task for me. When I feel critical and disappointed I'm just ruining my own mood. I often say, bless them, change me. I remind myself to focus on me, and then there's the chance I can change what I'm doing. When I first came to program I was annoyed that I had to think about changing me when I knew it was the A who needed the help. It took a while for acceptance to set in--I also need help. And with that acceptance and practice I am getting help and feel better much of the time. It's a lot to take in for a newcomer. However gratitude and acceptance can override the negativity. God grant me.....



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 915

Thank you Paul for your service and today's reading/reminder to mind my own business

and work this program for me. The three 'C's' are so very helpful as a reminder for me.

Thank you for your ESH and to Lyne for their ESH as well, very much appreciated.

I agree Lyne ... "God grant me..."


"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 143

Good afternoon. I'm not really a newcomer anymore but I sure exhibit the behaviors far too often

I ruined my own Easter by being upset and lecturing a family member for being under the influence.I needed to know why they would do that and understand their thinking. I told them how inappropriate it was and I ended up having a meltdown by the end of the day. I see now that I had no control over what they did or were doing. Lecturing and getting upset made no difference to what they did or were doing.

It was "supposed" to be a good day but I set my expectations too high. I shouldn't have expected an A to not do what an A does just because it was Easter. But I did.

When I wasn't focusing on them I actually had a pretty good time and good conversation with everyone. I should have just stuck with that.

Live and learn. That seems to be my motto lately in order to not beat myself up for my mistakes and slips.

Have a good day!


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 575

I spent a ton of time trying to figure out the why of someone else's drinking. If I had that answer then I really thought I could make it all better.

Looking back now, the why makes no difference. I am not powerful enough to change anyone's past or future. I guess the mind was trying to make sense of it all when on the outside everything in that person's life seemed very good. The thing is, I don't know everything about another person and I assumed a lot.

I allowed my own life to become unmanageable out of a false sense of responsibility for another person.

My life is so much better when I stay in my own lane at all times and allow others to do as they choose.

Sounds easy but its not.

I will remain teachable for the rest of my life.

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.