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Post Info TOPIC: C2C, Monday, 4/10, are we innocent victims?

~*Service Worker*~

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C2C, Monday, 4/10, are we innocent victims?

This reading asks the question:  having lived with alcoholism, are we the innocent victims of others' abuse?  But with further thought, we realize that we too have harmed others.  Some feel an exaggerated sense of responsibility, thinking they owe amends to just about everyone.  Listing those we have harmed can be a helpful ,discovery process. 

Reminder:  Certainly I make choices that harm others and call for making amends.  But sometimes a choice that is right for me may be uncomfortable or even unacceptable to others.  Other people's expectations are not my responsibility unless I have helped to create them.  I can remind myself that conflict is part of life.


The first time I did the steps was about 11 years ago.  And I did come to program feeling like my A's punching bag.  I certainly felt like a victim, but I had no idea I could turn that around.  So my first crack at making a list of those I had harmed was rather lengthy, but as my sponsor pointed out, I forgot the most important person of all--me.  I didn't see the harm I was doing to myself, and over time, alanon has taught me a different way to live.  I don't have to put myself in the victim role, and I was guided through making amends to myself.  It was such an odd concept to me at first, but such an important step to take.  Grateful member always.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 915

Lovely reading today Lyne, thank you for your service and ESH.

I too started this journey a decade ago and am still learning that there are times I still feel like a victim.

It is so difficult but I keep working this program and I am seeing the evolution from victim to finding

where my place is in the life of an alcoholic is, which is to make peace for myself despite what the

alcoholic does and says. Accepting that this is the way it has to be, to make peace with me and the

disease. To understand that I cannot fathom the pain the alcoholic is in and to fight it is only to make

it worse. Grateful member as well!!


"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 575

Am I a victim or a volunteer?

The painful truth is that I was a volunteer.

Yes, the alcoholics in my life did some pretty crappy things, but my behaviour during those times usually escalated or created many of the situations in the first place. It took me a long time to recognize that.

I had some amends to make when I began my recovery. The list wasn't long but I also forgot to put myself on that list. I never even gave it any thought how I treated myself during that time as I was so busy trying to save another whom didn't want to be saved .

As i grew in my recovery, my life has once again became the central focus of my attention. I can continue to care and wish the best for others but I no longer sacrifice my well being to do it.


Senior Member

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Posts: 143

Good morning

I had purposely skipped this reading because it made me cringe. But I am now gonna be real about this. I always prided myself for never being someone with a victim mentality and as a matter of fact it always annoyed me when people act so helpless and like they have no choices,options or solutions in situations and when they always blame everything on everyone else

After deep reflection I realize I have been that way. I'm not sure how I never saw or realized that before. I was never just at the mercy of everything that went on or of another person with no voice,options or choices. Period. And many times I was the one who created chaos and drama and escalated things and I am ashamed to say,I was abusive too. Hitting someone with a golf club and then not expecting to have something thrown at me or being called names in return and then me claiming they had been the one that abused,I am not even sure what to say about myself right now.

I have many I need to make amends to,including myself. For the harm I have caused them, whether intentionally or unintentionally and for all the harm I have caused myself too.

Have a good day.

-- Edited by SunnyFrog on Wednesday 12th of April 2023 08:36:01 AM

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