The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing a lot of reflection on what I need to take care of me if my husband and I reconcile. One of the big things that continually comes up in my mind is the financial insecurity we have had over the years. Since he has not contributed at all over the past 5 months, since our separation, I have had to face this part of how the disease has affected me. I suppose that my HP had a plan, perhaps I would not have faced is otherwise. I am not resentful of the fact that my husband has not contributed throughout the separation. As I said, it has forced me to face things on my own, take care of me, and practice Tradition 7. But, with that has come the reality that one income cannot support the life we had when there were two incomes. That is just reality.
I have thought a lot about what I what from sobriety, both my own emotional sobriety as well as my husbands. And I do not want to live in financial insecurity. I have been doing the footwork for this and as I look to reconciling with my AH, I have chosen to share that with him. He has up to this point been rather oblivious to the financial status of our household, budgeting was never a strong point for either of us and it an area that I have made a conscious decision to improve upon for myself.
I am willing to make sacrifices, take on a second job etc... but am hitting a brick wall communicating all of this with my AH. We just are not on the same page, I cannot seem to explain it to him, that I do not want to set myself up for resentment by not communicating ahead of time my needs regarding finances. For example if he says he can only contribute $200/week, yet drives off on his motorcycle that he is paying a $250/month payment on plus insurance, I know I will be resentful. Now if the $200/ week was enough to make it so that my sons and i had our needs met plus were able to have something special just for each of us, that would be acceptable. I do not need fancy vacations, shopping sprees, but do expect that I should be able to have the extra as well.
I have set up a budget that includes all of my expenses, household, kids etc. I am looking at what amount of money needs to go out, how much comes in, etc. I shared this with him and got nowhere. He became agitated, angry and upset. Said that it sounds like reconciliation is being based on money not on love. I love this man dearly. It is not about that, it is about that fact that this is major way that this disease has affected our lives, and in order to make my life more manageable and as a part of my own recovery, I have a responsibility to look at this and do what I can to make it more manageable. I just cannot seem to get my feeling across to him. Perhaps he is not in a position to understand this. His attitude is that we always found a way before. This is true, but usually ended up in debt somewhere. I look at it and see insanity, he looks at it and sees that it always worked out. Worked out???? We always found a way???? I want to find my own way, I do not want to be in debt, I want to be able to fix something if it breaks, take a vacation without charging it, know where the money is going to come to pay taxes because I have put it aside each week and just need to write the check.
Is this too much, are my expectations for him to understand this too high? Am I setting myself up for resentment by expecting to be able to discuss this with him and plan it out together just too much? I am really struggling with this and just do not know what to do.
honestly i can't answer your questions about expecting too much, but i can tell you i would and will, if i get that far as reconciliation, talk about budget with my ah also. i think it is very reasonable that all couples have an understanding as to how they will contribute/spend. and i think you should then track that so that you can review together and see how you are doing and make changes along the way. like it or not, money is a necessity, and responsible handling of money offers a lot of advantages for your future. and when communication about money is not going well it can often cause a great deal of problems in a relationship.
good luck with that - i think you are on the right track - for whatever that is worth...
I handled the money for years and years in our household. Hubby/A was oblivious as to what it took to live and where the money went. He could of cared less, but was quick to lay blame when there was not enough.
I finally handed him the checkbook and said "you are in charge of paying all the bills now. I want no part of it anymore. He is such a crabbycritter now at payday. Guess that means he is getting it?
He didn't communicate with me either, still don't. Grrr. I so know what you are feeling.
Say to him, if you had cancer I would be doing the same thing.
I have a need to be secure. If the A is part of my life, I want to know all I have to do is love him and not have to think about how he does not pay the bills. HE is very ill.
No it does not work out. It gets worse. Remember they are the age they were when they started using.
For me I have zero expectations. I only work on me. I only have my goals, my boundaries. I don't believe I can have expectations of anyone. They are their own person, I have no control over what they do. Only what I do. This way what they choose or what they get themselve into, I won't lose my security.
To me it is insane to put my life into another persons hands. I believe it is a sharing of love, but not anything else.
Even if they are not an A, what happens if they die? Or if they have a bad accident? As far as I am concerned it is vital to be able to do things on our own.
I don't feel sorry for these women or men who don't work but the other brings in all the money. I mean people who are totally dependant on another. Then they lose them and end up in big trouble. Especially people who have kids.
That sounded cold. It is not quite what I meant. I was a widow at twenty seven with two babies. I wish I had of had the courage to have my own job and not have been a stay at home mom.
Becuz my A died and I was a mess.
Now this A I married when he was sober many years, has a brain tumor. But thank goodness I had a job and resources. Was struggle but I am still here.
I am going through this very thing in my home right now. Before my AH and I decided to get back together we sat down for two hours and discussed boundaries and how the lack of boundaries made each of us feel. One of my boundaries was if you are not working, I can float us for a month, however, you will not be getting extras such as alcohol, pot, cigarettes, music, dinner's out etc. No credit cards will be used. I told him straight up I feel used and taken advantage of when you don't work and then expect all these extra things. My income cannot cover all the bills either, so now he has to know that his cell phone wont be paid for, his car insurance or his gas. He will have to find work ASAP if he gets fired on this new job.
He thought when he got this new job that he would have so much money left over at the end of the month to use on his habits, including music. I created a spreadsheet on Excell with what he brings home after taxes what I bring home and then listed all the bills. I also calculated what the amount paid would be showing him paying half of the household expenses and then responsible for his own bills. He makes just enough to cover his expenses but not enough to have extra money. I explained to him last night its a mind set. You can think of the money as yours and mine or ours. If we look at our income and bills as our mutual responsibility we actually come out ahead with just a little for each of us to do things during the month that we like. I said we have never been the kind of family that had scores of cash and did extravagant outings, we pay our bills and have a little fun but we dont live beyond our means. I tried to express to him that I look at the bigger picture, we are a young family, he's just starting a new career, in four years he'll be making more money than he ever dreamed he could. The biggest thing I could stress for myself was my feelings, if he does not understand I say nothing, I left him with his thoughts and he sat down and calculated the amount in and the amount out for himself and said Wow! I guess you were right.
It does not help his feelings that he feels like he'll never get ahead. I work just as hard but that is not recognized in his eyes, he does not realize that I'm suffering just as much as he is. I told him if you want to know how much you have then start getting involved in the household bills. This is an ongoing problem in my home, but I keep my bills in order for myself with a system I'm comfortable with. If I shift this bill for a week or two to pay something else I do it. Its a struggle and I don't like it either, I have learned to bargain shop for food, put myself on a gas budget, and subtract all extras off the top before I pay the bills. I shop at Save A lot, Dollar General for certain items. I used to have a problem with it, but I don't any longer. It makes my money stretch and that's what I like. I hope some of this helped. Have a good day.
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Twinmom...it is so funny about your budget on excel. I have recently done the same thing. I am in charge of paying the bills at home. My hubby is not an A, but does not have much consideration about his spending. Ater many years of arguing over money, I've had to do something to change it. I did a budget on excel and opened a separate checking account for me to pay the bills from. I give him an allowance twice a month into his checking account. It is a pretty substantial amount so he cannot come to me for money all the time. He is responsible for his own gas, cigarettes and any of his "little toys"! He had a habit of taking money out of the ATM whenever he wanted something. He had no idea and did not ask me if that money was already sent out in checks. I would bounce a check or if I knew in time could transfer money over to cover checks. It was really a miserable situation for me. It is all gone now. We have not argued about money once in the 3 months since I did this. If we go out...sometimes I pay...sometimes he pays. It has been one of the best things we could have done for our marriage. No more anxiety about money situations.
Seems to me - if it is important to you, then it's important to you. If he is not even able to understand that it is important, and needs to be talked about, never mind his actually doing anything about it, then he is not ready for reconciliation. What he is saying here is that when something is important to you, it is not worth his attention, unless he agrees. If he were willing to talk about it, and take you seriously, then maybe it would not be such a problem, even if the two of you disagreed.
Whether is it unrealistic to expect this in early sobriety, I can't tell you. This is what IS, though, between the two of you. If he is working a program and has a sponsor, you may find that the situation will change in six months or so, once he has started learning to be less self centered. You have the right to have priorities, and to want to take care of yourself. He has the right to not like it. Life does not become perfect with sobriety - problems will occur in your futures, even if this one is solved. The two of you have to come up with healthy ways to work tings out between you - if you are anything like my A and me, you have a whole long history of UNhealthy ways to unlearn, first.
You have the luxury (I know it may not look like a luxury) of not living together just now. You can take the time to get it right before having to deal with the stresses of living together. When you feel that you have at least an even chance of having your concerns taken seriously by him, and the two of you have found some methods for dealing with problems, is soon enough to get back together.
I read your post yesterday and it really got me thinking. My husband is always telling me it is all about money. I have always considered myself a frugal person, I can stretch a dollar to do many things, so I have always denied it t him. After reading your post I reconsidered.
It is about money. I am tired of the kids and I having to do without because of his disease. I try and budget my pay to pay the bills and also leave a little extra. While our home is not a showplace, I like it to be clean and pretty. A place we can all be proud of.
I like the kids to have all the things they need and some of the things they want. I know that sometimes I have to say no, but I hate having to say it because my A used the money on drinking or his toys.
My A cannot seem to get and hold a job. He contributes next to nothing to this family. I often get resentful that I have to work extra just to surviive and that he takes from us and then his mother provides the rest for him. he does without nothing. Mommy makes sure of that.
I can't help thinking about the movie Arthur. His drinking did not become a problem until there was no more money.
My biggest complaints are having no help here. No matter how hard I work of still coming up short. Of having to worry about leaving my children with my husband, becasue he might drink. Of having to worry about him drinking away the mortgage money, the grocery money etc.
The sad part is that if there was enough money to have someone do the repairs around here. To help with the yard work, to clean the house, to help drive the kids around, and even to drive him around. If I had unlimited funds that we could get the things we needed and still have extra, I would not be so upset about his drinking and not working. I wouldn't care if he spent his time in the bar, or laying in bed. I would be financially able to go about my life and leave his alone.
Financially is the way his drinking hurts this family the most. His disease keeps him from working and also keeps him from helping out here and being a parent. His drinking is a financial sive on this family. He drinks and Mommy provides for him while the kids and I suffer all the consequenses, and do without.
Thank you for bringing this up, and to anser your question, it is not asking too much to need to discuss finances with your husband. It is necessary! If one partner is draining the family and not contributing, then it will cause conflict and resentment down the line.
I hope some of this helped. Have a good day.