The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I progress with using the tools I learn in our program, detachment, boundries… I am getting some peace and reacting less. So when my ah is having a hard time I am more sympathetic and understanding. But…
When my ah is not drinking/using, I seem to lose some of my patience. I get angry at him more easily. I more quickly recall all the painful things he has done/said in the past and I am quick to get hurt.
It seems the sicker he is the better I am. Isn’t that awful? Like if he is actively drinking then I have a reason to keep him away from me without feeling guilty. If he is sick then I don’t have to consider letting him back home. The pressure’s off. I don’t have to figure out if he is still lying to me, I know he is when he is drinking. I know what’s going on.
I find it easy to forgive what happens when he is drinking/using, it’s the disease, but not when he is sober.
As I recognize this pattern in me as he works on recovery then relapses, I feel terrible about myself.
Does anyone have any insight into this? Similar experience? How did you progress?
Thanks for listening – I hope I haven’t lost your respect. This was hard to share – I don’t like this about myself.
I am really tired right now and just want to take a quick second to share that I can totally relate to your post. I, too, have found active use easier than sobriety in certain ways. The idea that you do not need to wonder if you are being lied to, just assume that you are if they are active. That was easier for me. The actions of active use are also easier for me to deal with, after all they are sick. I am working very hard on accepting that the active use of alcohol is only one symptom of this disease, as are manipulation, deception, irresponsiblity, the list can go on and on... I realize today that none of the rest can possibly change if the active use does not change, but that just the abstinence from alcohol is not going to make all the rest go away, it is a process, long and hard just like ours. The absence of the alcoholic in my life no more changes my own "isms" than the absence of alcohol in the life of the alcoholic will change his/her "isms".
As I said, I am really tired and needing to get some sleep, just wanted to share a little first. I will be anxious to see how others reply,
We are just as ill as the A's in our lives. I myself am a codependent, my A is the dependent. I have always had a deep need to please people and take care of them, because I've never really believed that I was lovable unless I was doing something good for the person. That equates into money, time, sex, listening, giving advice, you name it I have done all this with lovers and friends. I admit when my A got this really good job the last time I became fearful feeling like he didn't need me anymore. He also felt that I was too controlling and wanted to keep my thumb on him. He is still struggling with feeling this way. For me, I couldn't understand the alcoholic behavior. I used to pick fights while he was drunk ( Learned to stay out of that finally). I was clueless about this disease and had no patience drunk or sober. I have made excuses for myself and the A so I could stay in the relationship, but now I see things for what they are, and still uncovering my own truth everyday. Patience is definitely a learned skill, I feel I'm learning patience at the same time as learning compassion. I was angry and resentful for so long, I snapped at the slightest infraction. Once i let go of anger and realized this disease was more powerful than I was and my A's actions and choices are non of my business I began to let go and patience and compassion began. I'm still learning.... hope this helped. Take care
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
quest wrote: Like if he is actively drinking then I have a reason to keep him away from me without feeling guilty. If he is sick then I don’t have to consider letting him back home. The pressure’s off.
- quest
Wow, and thank you for sharing - It is always nice to know that we are not alone in our thinking.
My spouse goes back and forth from drinking, to trying not to. It seems easier when he is drinking - He keeps his distance then. There really is no realationship between us, but I find it less like a roller coaster ride.
I may be out of line here and certainly don't mean to hurt any feelings or step on any toes. That being said, my experience is this. For years, I clung to the idea that if my ah would just stop and get help, our life would be perfect. Unfortunatly, after he got released from treatment and we reconciled, I found that alot of his idiosyncrities that irked me when he was drinking were still there when he was sober and I was so disappointed that I got very angry at him because he wasn't the perfect sober husband that I thought he would be. Now that he has started drinking again, I recognize that my thinking has reverted also. If only he would stop... Things would be so good between us. In my own mind, I have separated him in to the sober hubby and the drunk hubby and I have to realize that the sober hubby has faults that are carried through the drunk moments. This is one of my biggest challenges.
Another thought...when our A's are drunk, we have learned how to deal with them, what to say and do and what not to say and do. After having learned that behavior and done it for so long, maybe we feel lost and out of control when faced with a different person??
