The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do believe alcoholism/addiction is a disease and I actually have compassion and empathy for those that struggle with it.
That being said, I admit I didnt and still dont treat the exAHs disease in the same way. I actually realized that fully yesterday. I thought I had accepted it but I really havent yet. Its wrong of me and today I am pondering why. I suppose much of it is just the simple fact that its not what I wanted to happen to him or our marriage. And it feels like he betrayed me. Yet his other health issues dont feel like a betrayal to me.
I am still a work in progress and always will be. But at least I am willing to be honest with myself . I know my thinking is distorted and Im happy to be learning different ways here
Thank you Debbie for your service and for all above ESH. It did take me a long time to accept that alcoholism is a disease, and another very long time to accept that I need to focus on myself and give away my anger and resentment. Progress not perfection, as it does creep in now and then. One of my flaws is that I do not understand why my A does not want help. I guess if you have cancer, you can choose to die and not get help. I struggle with this, the no help choice, however I have improved on my end of the relationship in that I no longer expect change. I also feel this is very sad, but I no longer dwell on it.
Thank you Debbie for your service/ESH. All the shares resonated with me. I believe alcoholism is a disease that is painted over with denial. Depending on the individual, it might be one coat or fifty coats! Taking the focus off of my loved one revealed how sick I had become. My perception was so distorted and in denial about me needing help. The Al-Anon process has enabled me to work on my brain health, address long forgotten/suppressed emotions, take responsibility for my financial well-being and create a less hostile (?) environment. Each day has it's challenges but there's definitely more peace when I mind my own business. Easier said than done. Thank you being a part of my growth.
I can certainly empathize with you StargazerLily. Please know you ware not alone.
Using your analogy, someone with diabetes can arrest their symptoms by following the correct low-carb diet and give up sugar. Studies have proven it. Someone that suffers from alcoholism can also arrest their disease progression by abstaining.
Where I have a hard time is that they actively choose not to, despite all the negative repercussions. So I can still struggle at times, b/c this was not what I signed up for when I married. I married someone with like ideals, like mind-set to me. A Life-Partner. I did NOT agree to alcohol ruining this connection.
That being said, after much research into the addicted brain, what helps me to understand is knowing the chemical changes of the brain that occurs with excessive drug use - this includes alcohol. In fact, alcohol is the most insidious of all! Once I truly understood the medical aspect, then I began to understand that my spouse was just not the same person I married. He wasn't even someone I would entertain to date if I met him today. He just couldn't be. However, I still can't get rid of the "If Only's." There are times now (5 yrs from divorce) that I miss the person I married, and I can get stuck with anger over it. When that occurs, I try and focus on my Gratitude List. It helps most of the time.
All of this to say, there are times I think I will never truly understand as well.
But I have read on this forum (can't remember who I am quoting), "You don't have to always understand to accept. Acceptance is key."
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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