The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is a look at grieving and how it relates to recovery. The writer describes losing his father to alcoholism and instead of feeling grief, felt a mixture of relief, pity, a vague type of sadness and a lot of anger. In his view, his father had not died because of a respectable disease, as a result the writer felt his emotions were cold about all of it and he was also feeling guilty. Not having found al-anon yet, he went on to marry an alcoholic. He couldnt understand how he was reliving such an awful situation. He could not see the self destructive nature of his choices. At one point he went to Al-anon and began learning about how to take responsibility for his own serenity. He stopped controlling and even while married was able to mourn the loss of his relationship and his wife to alcoholism. Years after their divorce and her death, he was able to recognize his feelings and allow them to be. This loss was one he was able to grieve and acknowledge as a result of his own recovery.
As I was reading today it brought to mind how many of us accept lots of small and large situations which are unacceptable. We take them in and try to find a way to manage them, which of course can stop up our emotions and is not healthy at all. I think there are times when we may be trying to stave off a negative experience and instead we dont really deal with it; in this way instead of dealing with our emotions in real time they get stored and magnified. Some of us have spent time trying to manage the crises of others, not understanding that not only are we minding someone elses business, but may be interfering in recovery as well.
The Thought for the Day gives us a look at a healthier way:Many of us grieve frequent, small losses. Like recovery, death and mourning are processed.
From Survival to Recovery (p25): In Al-Anon I found a safe place to experience grief from all the losses of my childhood.
Thank you Mary for your service and ESH, and also to TT for your ESH.
I have recently realized that my period of sadness is due to not being in that constant state of Flight or Fight. I have finally become comfortable with being a single person, and providing for myself and "kid." Yet I am continually looking backwards and lamenting what could've been. What was ruined, and how it was ruined. I recently had a "Milestone Birthday" and find that I focus on spending the second half of my life without my life partner - something that I counted on to help me as I grow older (caring for my Octogenarian parents has intensified this feeling, as I see them navigate their health ups and downs & support one another). It's like I have to feel the "Let Downs" all over again, sometimes on the daily.
I have "managed" my feelings about the loss of my marriage and life-partner to such a degree, that I have not fully processed my anger. Oh, I have occasional boughts of real anger, but no real processing of these feelings. My close friend has suggested that I talk to a therapist. I am beginning to think she is correct. When I think of myself, I think of the T-Shirt showing a frazzled cat that says, "It's Fine, I'm Fine, Everything's Fine!" Obviously, nothing is "fine." Perhaps I have tried to "compartmentalize" my feelings of anger, betrayal and sadness to such a degree, that I am struggling to let them go completely. Today's reading has me feeling like my healing was arrested.
If I am being completely honest, I am disappointed that I have done (#3) 4th Steps, actually made the effort to fill out the workbook on this Step, and I still feel stuck. Like, I did just enough to get through the Emergency and to be a kind human to my Ex, but not enough to heal myself, and I am unsure how to move forward.
Thank you for allowing me the space to process. I appreciate all of you! & PNP
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you Mary for your service and ESH. I appreciate all the shares. My chest tightened as I read the posts which is a clear signal that more work needs to be done. Purposely avoiding anything that reminds me of traumatic incidents was an old coping tool. Instead of suppressing, I will journal what came up today and stick to the Al-Anon process. I trust my HP will guide me to deal (in real time) with my emotions with the appropriate person(s). Thanks for the reminders to not dwell on the past for too long or frequently. I am grateful for the wisdom of MIP members. Have a wonderful Sunday. ((HUGS))
& 