Hi rtexas!  And thanks for your honesty in sharing these feelings.  I understand because I was there too.  Might I suggest another list?  What are the fears you have about being on your own?  I'm not suggesting that you leave your wife.  But just ask yourself, what am I afraid of facing if I have to go it alone?  That could be a very illuminating list.  I remember feeling VERY afraid that I couldn't make it alone (even though I had, in years prior to ever having married my A, managed quite well on my own).   Part of it had to do with finances--I had three children by then and didn't know how I was going to manage. Part of it, for me, was socialisation problems--being a woman of a certain age who'd never been encouraged to be independent and successful. Part of it was fear of abandonment--would I ever find love again?  Part of it was simply fear of the unknown.  Part of it was fear of being judged and rejected by friends, colleagues (especially HIS friends and colleagues!).  Part of it was a lot of insecurity about being a parent anyway, whether I was with a partner or not.  And on and on...I had a LOT of fears, obviously.

But all of those fears dissipated finally in the certain terror that I was going to die if I stayed in that marriage!  I wasn't in recovery at that time, and was worn down and drained of all feelings of love for him by the time I knew, I could only save myself at that point.

I had a nightmare one night, towards the end.  I was going down in a swamp, trying to find him.  It was a message, I knew it--and not long after that, everything blew up in our marriage as I told him, "It's over".

I don't mean to influence you in any way by telling you about my experience.  You are working a recovery program, and things could be a lot different for you.  Try making that "fears" list, though.  It could still be a helpful exercise.

Wishing you the best,

~seachange

(((((((((rTx)))))))))))))))

I don't see that you are dumping ... you are reaching out for support, which is healthy.

These decisions that you face, both long term and day-to-day and hour to hour, are ones that you are the person with the best facts ... I can only share some ESH and mirror back what I've seen based on your shares.

I have seen you share moments of hope in the last couple of weeks, moments of hope that recede ... yet they are there.  I've also seen in your shares someone who is setting boundaries, and some might be for the first time.

For me, I didn't know much about boundaries ... until the last few years, really.  And as I've read, and listened to tapes, and heard the wisdom from the al anon rooms on boundaries, I've heard the success stories about how as we do that we  respect ourselves more and others respect us too ... and so as we get healthier it can have an impact on others as we give them the respect to learn from the consequences of their own behavior.  What I also have read and learned is that as I start setting boundaries, it is common to go through a period where people rebel to my setting boundaries -- they push back -- they want me back the way I was, which was when my life was more unmanageable -- they do not want me to take care of me.  And it is very difficult for me, especially with some people, to keep to those boundaries, to know how to set them and how to define the consequences such that I will be able to follow through with the consequences.  The point is, people who are invested in me staying the way I was are the ones who push back the hardest.  And for me, often those folks were family.  So once I can see that, I have choices ... which is the hard part.  One of the choices is when to act. That was a new concept for me.  I was reading, it was conf approved lit, don't recall what, just recently, actually .... it said that if I don't know what to do yet, then hp has not put it squarely in front of me yet, and there is no reason to force  the decision then.  And for me to keep turning to hp each day, or subpart to each day, asking hp to guide me in the next right thing to do.  Some days, some moments that helps more than others.  I can only say that for me, there came a point where I knew, deep to my very being, that I had tried everything, including giving it time, and that hope for that relationship had truly been gone for a while.  I knew then was the time to act.

  I'd like to close, for now, by saying, you are not alone.  I think your posts show you know that ... but, for me, sometimes when chaos surrounds me, I can sometimes feel serenity challenged.  I'm having that kind of a day today, in fact, and so here I am, at MIP.  I know this is not the time to make any decisions ... though some physiological part of me is just dying to make a decision.  But I won't.  I'll wait until either the chaos has receded or until my serenity returns.  I need to remember that what others do, what others think, is none of my business.  My business is taking care of my recovery, one day at a time.

((RTx)) Gosh one never has to apologize for venting on the Board, it's what it's here for...   as for the fear, guilt, anxiety & wtvr else YOU are feeling, work through it...  none of us deserve to be abused.

None of us deserve to be abandonned, so be sure to "take care of you."   I know that in my attempt to stay with my addict (ex-husband), I nearly lost myself, stayed way too long, sacrificed myself for him playing 'the perfect' martyr. 

Took me 6 months longer to get over "it all" ~ 5.5 yrs together ~ 6 to forgive, even after I had gone.

You have to do what is "right" for you & only you can know what that is ultimately. 

As for arguing with God, I am a pro at it but HP will use a rock, a 2 x 4, a brick wall...  wtvr it takes for the benefit of all and the carrying out of "the Divine Will."  None of us can escape the plan, all I know is I had to fight for loving myself;  boy they sure DO hate it when we change.

 

This is what gives me hope, I know in nature 'everything changes & nothing stays the same' - so when those around me react badly to the after effects of my interpersonal changes...  well A's want things to stay the same.

God Bless, love, -K

and always w/in ear shot for ya

"Her response to my recovery efforts is pure rage. Has not changed at all in 9 weeks."

That's the trick, isn't it? We're all thinking, hoping that something we do will get them heading back towards normal. But... here is the trick... our recovery is not their recovery. That's very important to recognize.

Harm ought to be a decision point for us, for everyone, as far as leaving or staying goes. But harm is not necessarily the same as discomfort. When we wonder if we should leave, what is the intention: to remove ourselves (and kids) so that the opportunity for harm is removed; or is it that we are so uncomfortable we can't bare it? If it is the latter, I now ask my HP to open my heart and mind with compassion and wisdom. Invariably my HP -- right away -- shows me how I make others uncomfortable, how I too am a messed up person JUST LIKE MY QUALIFIER (i.e., a typical human being). And if I'm wise enough (...if...) to recognize that then my compassion for my limited self and for my A sees me through one more day with HP strength. Sometimes I can't see it, but I pray for another chance.

So, I think you have to ask yourself what is your intention -- not theirs -- before making such decisions. Your recovery depends on it.

Lots of love -K