The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading, the author reflects on how seeking knowledge and understanding can prevent us from making progress. Of course, the author shares that some knowledge is helpful - like looking at past experiences to find information about ourselves and our relationships. Inventories, memories, and reasoning things out with others can help us gain perspective.
But sometimes seeking knowledge prevents us from making positive change. Trying to analyze alcoholism, or attempting to gain clarity on a higher power before praying and taking action. These pursuits of knowledge actually keep us from accepting the reality we live in and acting accordingly.
Today's Reminder: Information can be wonderfully enlightening, but it is not the answer to every problem. I will be honest about my motives today
Today's Quote: "If you understand, things are just as they are; if you do not understand, things are just as they are." Zen proverb
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I'm a trained researcher, and so I can get very caught up in trying to understand something. I approached my wife's alcoholism in this way for many years. Now, I just accept that I'm not going to understand, and act accordingly. I could have saved myself a lot of time, energy, and trouble if I had stopped trying to understand a long time ago.
Recently, I found myself excitedly grasping at newfound knowledge about my wife, and was itching to understand more, but I stopped myself. Would further understanding change anything about the situation? No. I might find clues about what I could do, but I can also set boundaries, trust my higher power, and do what seems best in each moment. I could feel my desire to control rising, and so I gave my friend control a smile and nod, and let it go. More knowledge isn't going to change anything, except maybe my understanding of myself and hopefully my trust in myself - which I can grow without additional understanding as well.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I think seeking knowledge was just a form of avoidance for me. Rather than accept that ex-ah was using substances and alcohol I was researching every other disease there is to try to make sense of things.
I already know I take seeking knowledge and understanding to the extreme. I'm grateful for this reading and the reminder to take a look at that elephant in the room in all situations instead of avoiding by trying to turn it into something that's logical to me.
Thanks Skorpi for your service and all above ESH. My takeaway from this reading is that I must keep the focus on myself. Let me figure out me to have the best possible life no matter what the alcoholic is doing. Easy but hard!
Thanks Skorpi for your service and to everyone for their shares.
I think I feverishly sought answers for the alcoholic because I believed the addiction was the root of the problem. I believed if my spouse got sober, everything would just naturally resolve itself. It never occurred to me that problems within myself were what attracted me to someone who couldn't be present for themselves let alone anyone else 24/7. This begged the question... how emotionally available really was I?
Working the steps honestly and especially 4 and 5, a searching and fearless moral inventory with a loving sponsor and my hp revealed a lot about how I felt and how my feelings affected my motivations and my choices. It really wasn't until I was interested in working those steps honestly that the veil of denial would lift and accountability, the real work would begin. I transitioned from constantly researching and trying to find answers for others to seeking my loving higher power's will for my own life. Self knowledge and willingness helped then and helps today with changing unhealthy responses to people, places, things to more positive and life affirming ones choices using Al-anon tools. A work in progress, self focus and daily inventory with my hp keeps me going in a positive direction rather than life detracting one. There's less drama because I choose not to take the stage and play that old part anymore.
I've learned that not all relationships can be fixed or be healthy simply because I'm working a program and am in recovery. My belief is that that is OK. It's not unkind to move on from relationships that don't add value to my life. I once felt terribly guilty when making that choice. Accused by the other person that I was betraying them, I would then betray my true feelings and stay and linger in unhealthy situations. Grateful to Al-anon for helping me sort this out. Grateful for the guidance of a loving higher power when making choices today.
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
