The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is on the topic of forgiveness. The writer begins by acknowledging that in his/her early days in the program, he/she did not feel the capacity for forgiveness. The writer also stated that he/she equated forgiveness with accepting unacceptable behavior. Over time the writer learned ways to protect and set boundaries, especially around alcoholics. The writer began to practice say what I mean, mean what I say, but dont say it mean, and was able to speak plainly about situations or behaviors that were hurtful. The writer began to see that forgiveness was something to do for the self, and might include letting go of a harmful relationship.
There are so many sentences on todays page that hit me with: oh this is me. For a long while I equated forgiveness with some kind of giving in. As if I knew someone elses part was wrong, but I would accept it. I can see now that this is not only coming from a place of judgement, but also not healthy for anyone involved! I recently had a conversation with a friend about how forgiveness can include boundaries. I may be able to forgive a behavior or circumstance, while recognizing that I can no longer have that in my life. I grew up learning that we might forgive but never forget: remembering (and holding on to) when a person and or situation has been hurtful. I can see now that this can be tempered into the ability to forgive and set boundaries at the same time.
The Thought for the Day gives us: Sometimes the forgiveness process fosters deeper unity and connection between people. Sometimes it points to an exit sign.
The last sentence from the writer points to the clean feeling when we must leave but there has been forgiveness there are no negative ties holding us back from continuing on in good health and wholeness.
I seem to have different thoughts and feelings about forgiveness on a daily basis as I work on myself. It's something I am still working through,forgiving others.
But I am beginning to forgive myself as I understand more and look back on my role in such a toxic,dysfunctional relationship. And trying to work this program without actually fully working it or getting it before. And for all my own mistakes.
That in return though is helping me move forward in my forgiveness towards others.
I appreciate the shares of Debbie and SF as well. I can relate to SF's share of having different feelings about forgiveness depending on the day. In my healing journey, I have gone through many stages of forgiveness. Forgiving myself was the most meaningful.
Lately I have come to realize that I was so busy trying to be forgiving to my Ex, that I have not properly moved through the stages of loss. I have put anger away in a compartment in my brain, but it still affects me b/c I cannot shake the sorrow of losing all that I had. My marriage, my partner in life (scary as I get older & watch my octogenarian parents), my status in the world, some of the friends in my circle, my finances, etc. I had been so busy trying to be the "decent EX" that I haven't truly processed all my feelings. And it has been 5 years since I left, and 4 years since the divorce was finalized! So have I really forgiven? Am I truly practicing Forgiveness?
Food for thought.
We've gotten a break in the snowy/rainy weather today (In SoCAl no less!) - I am thankful for that. Too cold to get outside & putter in the soil. So perhaps I will attend to indoor things.
Hope y'all have a wonderful, relaxing Sunday! & PNP
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you Mary and everyone for your shares on the topic of forgiveness. This is so complicated and varies from situation. When I read the reading, I thought how nice it would be to be able to discuss openly my grievance with the other person as the reading shows in one scenario. I've found that the reason there is a lingering issue with some who have harmed me is due to their lack of availability, either unwillingness or inability to be accountable for their actions and disinterest in having a conversation.
This morning I made a decision to participate in a video conference call with my partner's grown kids. Long story short, they have been less than accepting of me and made me a scapegoat for unresolved feelings they have about their parents divorcing. I was nowhere around at that time. My partner has felt the brunt of their unresolved issues as well. None of them are in recovery.
I chose to make my presence more known this morning invited or not because I know the little ones, grandchildren were going to be on the call and I did want to see them and tell them how much I missed and cared for them. I'm not going to be sidelined as insignificant by their mother because she can't get over that her dad is happy with me. Maybe he was expected to never move on, stay alone for the rest of his life. We have had discussions as to how to continue healthy boundaries especially when to assert ourselves using say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. It's important for us to keep some sort of relationship going with his kids. We are doing best to not have dysfunctional relationships affect the grandchildren and our relationship with them.
It's not at all easy to forgive some of the very intentional hurts we've experienced with my partner's adult children but we have decided to take the high road in order to keep the peace and keep channels open in order to have a relationship with the next generation, the grandchildren.
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
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