I just found our a friend of mine has cancer.  She has pretty advanced cancer actually which says a lot about her level of self care because she did not go to a doctor for like 13 years.  My caretaking is in high gear because of course I am in shock and when I am in shock, I caretake.  I want to be over there (she lives at the other end of the country) making care packets, being nice, givng her information and more.  Of course I do not have the resources to do that.

There is no anger in me that she did not go to the doctor at all.  That is also typical for me the anger comes years and years later. And this is a friend who is also a codependent who was always telling me what to do and how to do my recovery.  In fact we did not speak for a long long time because I was so angry at her when my mother died she insisted on telling me how to grieve (or rather not to grieve since she didn't feel I should have any).

I was incredibly comfortable having this wall of anger up around her.  Anger is one of the few boundaries I can have at some people like my exhusband and others.  It is my one way to maintain boundaries.  Of course when I heard she had two kinds of cancer I let it go and spoke to her.  And since then we have resolved a lot or not a lot in some levels. She thinks that al-anon is just for people who have an alcoholic in their lives for example. She was always so so controlling what a terrible thing that she could not find the courage to go to the doctor till it was so late.   I can understand fear and anxiety and paralysis.  I can also now see that for some people they put on a great "show".  I never did put on a "show" about anything I always felt and thought I acted pretty incompetent most of the time.  And I admired those who put on a show.

Since I've been in al-anon which is just 5 short wonderful months I have wanted to be more authentic in my life.  And of course I have my days when I feel tremendous self pity and ms martyr of the year.  I should have my own statue in the town square for my suffering and uniqueness.  Somehow all the stuff I have to deal with which is plenty and pretty difficult for me pales beside some of my friends stuff. I am not thinking in terms of having just 3-5 years to live at best.  Nevertheless I do think of my next 3-5 years of being hell if I am honest I had to have a friend with a dreadful cancer diagnosis to get a perspective and think whatever the future holds my program in al-anon will get me through it.  Al-anon certainly got me through the last 5 months which were pretty difficult and I don't doubt that the program and all of you will be there for me through my friend's illness too.

I hope to find some balance and perspective in the next few weeks to be able to support my friend without being codependent.  We have had some major falling outs and some major disagreements about many things. Of course I can agree to disagree with her these days (largely due to al-anon)but my re-contact with her brings up for me how tremendously codependent I have been most of my life and how destructive and toxic that has been for me.  I doubt very much if I would have re-contacted her without the program. I would probably have carried my resentment to her grave and felt she did me wrong.  Now I have a chance to do something differently with a friend who may not be here that long and I can only do it with my program in my head and my heart.  Without my program I would be resenting her and angry at her and feeling she did me wrong and there would be no room for forgiveness, compassion or love.

Maresie.