The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my AH has been gone for a full week. Just up and disappeared AGAIN. No contact what so ever. I was so mad last week when he disappeared. Then my mom & sister took the kids & me to Nags Head for the weekend. We had a nice time. When I got home Sunday, I knew he hadn't been there as nothing was disturbed and there was a phone message from his boss from Friday still on the voice mail.
My mom told me of rumors she'd heard that he was trying to sell some things and that made me mad. I am struggling w/bills and he is selling assets to get a crack fix. So I called a couple of his friends that I know are good clean guys and checked to see if they had heard from him. Naturally they hadn't. He won't call anyone back that isn't involved in the drug scene. I warned them of his addiction (1 knew, the other was shocked) and told them not to give him any money & not to buy anything from him.
I got an email alert from the credit reporting company saying he had exceeded his credit limit on a new card he just got. While I was on line, that credit card company left him a message about his account. They called again on Monday. I called a couple other credit card companies to find that another one was up $1000 from last month and the other had a few transactions on it. I have managed to close all joint credit cards and had my name removed from any of his other accts. And I am done paying his bills. I will not stroke another check for his addiction. I am only going to pay things that have my name on them. Which could prove difficult considering I am BROKE!!!
I called his boss Monday to see if he'd seen him. He said that he came in Wed for 1/2 day but said he had to leave for his grandpa's funeral. And he called in Thurs b/c he had to take care of his grandma. NOBODY DIED. And I told his boss that. He was already fired anyway for not showing up or calling Fri or Mon. His boss is an old friend of ours & I told him of his addiction. He was not happy as he has had experience w/other friends messed up on crack. He told me to get out - take the kids somewhere we will be safe. I was already scared but that really kicked it up a notch. He has seen my AH temper & said that it will be 100 times worse b/c of the crack.
I called legal aid and make too much money for their help. Unfortunately, I barely make enough to live but to much for any financial help of any kind. That sucks. I did get the name of a lawyer who will be out of town until Thurs. He is expecting my call then.
And get this....so my AH text messaged his mom Mon night & said that he was ok and for her to tell me that hopefully he would be home tomorrow (today). Then around 3:30 today he text her again saying he was too ashamed to call or come home. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT??? He is ripping my heart out & stomping on it. I am pissed at him but feel sorry for him too. I am scared of him but don't want to see him hurt either. It is so screwed up. And I am so confused. I want a divorce. I wanted one before I knew about the drugs. Simply b/c of his drinking & cheating & lying. But I do still love him. Although I cannot stand the sight of him. How is that possible? What a mess.
So sorry for what you are experiencing. I can't give advice as I don't sit in your shoes nor will I feel the consequences of any actions but I can suggest you get to a local meeting right away. Alanon suggests you attend meetings for six month before making any important decisions with your life. It's not for me to say. I can let you know to keep us close by your side. Attend meetings and here online as well. Post as much as you can/need. Keep the focus on you. Remember addicted people are sick. You aren't talking to your loved one. You are talking to a disease. Protect your credit. Good for you for taking your name off. That's creating boundaries.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I wish I could reach right thru this computer to you, you are living my life and I know how your heart is broken......As for me, I lived the life with the alcoholic a long time, then came the crack....OMG.......it is horrible.
He took anything from this house that he could carry in his pockets...including cameras, jewelery.......anyone's cash.....closed out accounts that we have had for 18 yrs.....
I have been seperated for almost 3 weeks now....he still doesn't get what he did.....The only thing he see's is the situation he is in not what got him there.
My dear, things got violent here it was the ugliest thing I ever saw in my life. My 14 year old son just had enough.....small town.....dad came home from a 3 day bender, son asked please just leave...hub was broke of course.....said I need some money.....hub and son got in fight, VERY UGLY never had violence in my home befroe.....hub broke his leg had surgery and is now at his dad's.......no child should ever have to endure what we ask of our kids.
Take care of you and your kids, stay safe whatever it takes.
Sorry for your troubles. Sounds like you are doing some things to protect yourself and that is foremost in my opinion right now.
We can't fix them, they have to want to themselves. We do need to do everything we can to keep ourselves from further harm from them especially when they are in the thick of things with their addictions.
I am so very sorry that you are going thru this.. I just said a prayer for you and will continue to think of you and your children.. Please be careful !!! Do whatever necessary to protect yourself and your children..
My mother-in-law suggested that I go to an NA meeting and offered to go w/me. She said that it would help me understand a bit more and maybe help me figure out what I am supposed to do. I want my AH to get help, to recover. My kids deserve to have a dad....although he hasn't really been much of one in 12 years. But they don't need a dad who acts this way, treats them this way. We are going to try to get to a meeting over the next couple of days.
I am still struggling w/my emotions today. Usually I have one bad day but can pull it back together by the next & stay fairly calm for the rest of the week. But now I am very prone to tears and I hate that. My whole body aches w/tension & stress. This is just awful.
I tell you, when I got married 13 years ago, I NEVER imagined I would be in a situation like this. I have suffered through the drinking and cheating over the years and refused to really see it and accept it b/c of the love I have for this man. But he isn't the same man anymore....and I am tired of being his door mat. I am a bit anxious about talking to the lawyer tomorrow but really want/need my questions answered. I need to get the separation official and start getting my new life underway.
Thanks to all of you for your support and for sharing your own experiences. It really helps to know I am not alone and to know that I have friends here.
