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My husband is in jail right now for multiple DUIs and his family hates me because we got into a fight and he bad mouthed me to them. Then we made up, because I went to the jail to visit him. Up until then, I was being the devoted wife, putting $ on his account, visiting, talking to the lawyer, going to court, orchestrating every and any problem he needed taken care of on the outside. We are seperated and have been for over a year, but hanging out all the time. I still loved him but he was so infuriating and doesnt stay sober!!
Anyway, he just called me this morning about needing more money on his books, (I am a waitress) because his parents didnt do it right. I have to work tonight and dont really have the time anyway but he was all pissed off because of the whole thing and I am pissed because I feel like its his fault that his parents screwed it up. If it had stayed the way it was, Iwould have kept putting the money from his parents on the books and we would have no problems.
I guess I dont know what to do. I could put money on the boks, but I am sure they wont re- imburse me (even tho he will say they will) because they dont trust me (because of lies he has told them) I feel like I wish he would learn his lesson about how he CREATES his own problems ALL THE TIME. But am I playing God by trying to make him learn? he never will probably. SO I dont know how to decide if I should put money on his books. THe crazy thing is that if had called me and been nice instead of an A__hole about the whole thing, I might have done it. MAybe he was being that way because he does realize he created the problem and he is mad at himself.
So am I enabling if I put money on the books? And am I just being spiteful if I dont and trying to play God?
Hi Sarah! It sounds to me like your husband needs to take some responsibility for his own situation, even financially. After all, it was the dui's that got him behind bars. He's an adult, I presume--and that's just something adults have to do--take care of their own stuff, and bear the consequences for poor choices.
Caring for him is one thing--but to me it sounds like it could be a healthy thing for you to detach from his needs and let the chips fall where they may. The enmeshment with his parents can't be helping much either.
These are the sorts of things that recovery helps us sort out, and we have to learn to put the focus on our own needs. This is not selfish. It's called "tough love", and the only chance for an A to start facing and dealing with their stuff could be when you stop "paying the bills" for them. It was a very hard lesson for me in the early days of my recovery--but I can see now how much difference that ability to "let go and let God" makes. I can relate to your fears about being mean, and so on--but this is not about being mean. You have a right to live your life. That he may see it as "mean" is just part of the disease of alcoholism. Do the right thing for you, calmly and firmly--and just keep doing that, one day at a time. That's what the 12-step program is all about.
There are excellent meetings and literature out there now, to help us find a different and healthier way to deal with situations like the one you describe.
Good luck, and keep coming back! It works if you work it!
if he has a problem with something that his parents have done, shouldn't he address it to them and ask them to fix it? Asking you to take care of it is a total cop out.
Thanks for the feedback. I know its kind of a dumb problem but for some reason i was really agonizing. I will probably have to go back and read those posts all day so I dont feel guilty about not putting the money on the books. I am always so confused when it comes to him. I never grew up around super active alcoholism. My mom was in AA for a lot of my childhood and made me go to Alateen but I have never fullly embraced Al anon until this relationship. I always feel like I have no answers even though I have been going off and on for 20 years. I probably never really paid attention. I suppose thats why I will have to learn to work a real program.
There are no dumb problems. That is the diseases way of keeping us enabling the users. I did this for years. It's no big deal... I won't let that bother me... Maybe if I do X better they won't do that again ....
I am new to this, but it is taking some serious doses of self-honesty and a lot of help from folks here and F2F meetings for me to see the scope of what's really going on.
Keep posting and keep coming back!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hello Sara , am I enabling him - I think you know the answer to that one Sarah !!! YES
This is his mess let him worry about it i'ts not yurs to fix. never was. Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themslves absolutley nothing will change. step aside and allow him the dignity to grow up. Nothing changes til__ someone changes.
Well I can't answer all your questions or give you even the fix to this particular problem. I can say that when I'm weighing my options, I try to make sure that my motives are pure. We are taught to practice setting and enforcing boundaries in Al-Anon. Something I was taught by an elder member when I first came to Al-Anon was a boundary reminder: "Boundaries are not for others, boundaries are for ourselves". It helps me to remember that when I set a boundary (with the consequence of either not doing something or doing something specific) I need to question myself as to the reason that the boundary exists, what do I expect to gain from it. For example my adult sister has a habit of complaining and complaining and complaining while never listening to anything positive. If I make and enforce a boundary of "I will discontinue a conversation with my sister if negativity overwhelms the situation" what am I trying to get? If I'm trying to gain peace of mind, serenity and control of my time (not to mention not getting 'cauliflower ear' for no good reason), I'm setting a healthy boundary - for ME. However, if I honestly look at the situation and answer myself that I'm hopeful that the boundary will make her stop and look at her behavior and thus change the things I find so distasteful, well then my boundary is not for me, it's to manipulate her. Not only is it not a really healthy boundary it's likely a waste of my time.
Maybe you could examine the situation from your side, without giving all the weight to his side or his family's. If you're withholding action on your part in order to gain peace of mind, serenity etc, that's one thing. But if you're trying to change behavior of someone else, that's another thing all together. Also, in reference to your "playing God" comment. I learned the Hard Way (capitalization purposeful there!) that standing in the way of HPs consequences for someone else is not a gift to the other person from me. HP gives us consequences not as a punishment but as a tool for change and learning.
Anyway I know that was long (also made me realize how much I talk to myself hehe). Hope you are able to be at peace with whatever your decision is. We love you either way.
Thats a really good point about my motives. I think maybe I feel like I am sick of doing things for him out of love only to find that in the future, it didnt matter because he will conveniently "forget" about it anyways when he is mad at me for something. So because i am trying to "focus on myself" and I have other things I really need to do today and I dont have alot of extra money, it feels like I am taking care of myself by A) getting my life in order and B)not setting myself up for dissapointment and hurt when he forgets what I did. I guess...
It almost seems like I cant fully seperate my motives from my anger but I think those are my motives.
You know what I would do? I would tell him he needs to call his mommy & daddy and have them do it the right way. I wouldn't put my own money in there. No way hosay!
