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Post Info TOPIC: Question about Boundaries


Veteran Member

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Date:
Question about Boundaries


My 22 yr old daughter completed her 4th rehab 11/30 and moved into sober living.  She hates it and wants to come home.  We had a family session with her counselor (she is doing PHP) last week where I said that I am not comfortable with her returning just yet and need more time (she has returned home 3 prior times and very quickly relapsed).   Her counselor proceeded to tell me that I was being selfish and should not project my fears onto my daughter.  She is working her program and is very engaged in recovery, blah, blah, blah.  Fast forward to the holiday, she was home for a long weekend, she did not use, but is still exhibiting addict behaviors; i.e., going out all night and sneaking out the back door so nobody sees her leaving; claiming she doesn't feel well and stayed home in bed all day on Christmas.  My boundaries were made clear to her - no sneaking out and she needs to be engaged with the family.  I asked her what her counselor would say and was told, he doesn't want anymore family sessions because I attack her!  Say what?  Am I crazy here?  Should I just let her come home with me not being comfortable?  I'm really confused as to why a drug counselor would think it's ok for an addict to return to a place where the co-dependent is clearly not on board yet.  Any input is welcome.



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Mary hack


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 744
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Mary, having been through many holidays that you are experiencing it has taken my daughter years of counseling

get to a place that she can now function to the point where she takes her meds and can live on her own. I have

gotten as many years of counseling under my belt (so to speak) in order to deal with my demons as well, so it is

a two way street in order to help her and me. Kind of like Al-Anon, which is my opportunity to work on only me

so that I can let others around me heal as well. Keep working on you and let her work on herself. {{HUGS}}

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Mam, glad you're here

A couple of thoughts:

* I can give no recommendations on what someone else 'should' do.
* No one has the right to tell you what you should do...

For me, I would ask myself the following questions:

** What is the past/current pattern?
** Is there any indication things have/are changing?
** Would I be content if I act and the current trend continues/doesn't?
** Do I have expectations? If so, what are they and how might they be influencing this decision?
** Do I have a plan for either outcome (change/no change)?
** Do I feel capable of handling either scenario?

Each person has a set of circumstances and responsibilities that are unique to them and they must decide what is best under that set.

Fortunately, Alanon gives us the tools and principles to make decisions that are not meant to just make others happy with our choices, but are most healthy for us in our current state, and also for others, some whom are not always making the best choices for themselves.

I feel for you in this challenging situation, know you love your daughter and want to do what is best. If you have Courage to Change or One Day at a Time in ALanon, they and other Alanon books have some really good encouragement on this theme of helping, boundaries, and enabling.

So glad you're here

__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Mary. If I were in your shoes I would follow what my gut is telling me. As Paul said above, we are not required to make others happy. We keep the focus on ourselves, and with (adult) children it is fine to set boundaries that give us peace and serenity. Keep us posted if possible. ODAT. Hugs.



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Lyne



Senior Member

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Posts: 316
Date:

Hi Mary, I just want to welcome you back. I don't feel have anything new to offer that differs much from responses and suggestions offered to your May 2021 post about your daughter coming home from rehab.

I can share with you that I've been doing an Al-anon inventory of myself as the year comes to an end. I've been reflecting on personal responsibility for my own happiness. I've been considering the quality of my relationships and my availability to love. In consideration of certain disappointing relationships, I am reflecting on self-centeredness and how it impacts my loving people as they are. 

I hope things go well for you and for your daughter in the year ahead . ((hugs)))



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



Veteran Member

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Hi,

Are you crazy here? LOL See step one.  I assume I'm generally a bit crazy.  It keeps my mind open to possibilities.  

Perhaps you need a one-on-one with the counsellor? Heck, I might bring my sponsor along to explain why I am being "selfish". The question I ask myself is am I being good selfish or bad selfish?  You get to decide. 

The councillors we had seemed to have a different standard than you are describing.   I can't judge because I'm not there.  It's easy \y for me to say all that because I don't have to deal with the fallout of any decisions you make.  Some 'bad' outcomes turned out to be good ones and some 'good' ones turned bad.  That is what the higher power, meetings and sponsors are for.  All of them have more 'boots on the ground' than I do. 

A million hugs and prayers sent,

Nora G 



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newnoz


Veteran Member

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Date:

Well I have been vindicated and an "I told you so" does not seem to be the appropriate response. She is still in the sober living; however, has decided to not use but to sell again. So 72 days clean,. once again selling prescriptions and doesn't see anything wrong with that. Oh I would love to call her counselor, but I am not in control and will allow her to fall on her own. I explained to her that not using is only one aspect of sobriety and she will not come back to my home as long as she is engaging in criminal activities. Boundaries set and enforced.

Thanks for all your responses - and yes, you are correct newnoz "good" selfish is ok.


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Mary hack
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