The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My computer and I have been out of commission for awhile, well I'm still not on the net so to speak accept when I get to this internet cafe.
I have started the divorce proceeding and I am waiting for him to be served the papers, for the ti** to hit the fan. It's not like I haven't told him that I think it's over! He just doesn't choose to hear it. Soon he'll be forced to hear it!
The thing that is the most surprising for me through the separation and decision to end my marriage is that I am so depressed about it when it's what I really want. I have just really been down in the gutter for weeks now. I know I'm mourning the end of a 22 yr. marriage but I thought I did the head work before I even left the home!
The good news for him is that he is now working the AA program and leading the meetings alot! I hope that will get him through the next year as life can get messy as we move forward.
I don't get online much but want to hear if others had this depression about a much wanted divorce. I'm doing my work around with ftf meetings and therapy but it's just so HARD.
You might have done the "head work", but now you have to allow yourself to do the heart work and grieve. No matter that you want it, you still have past and need to grieve for what was or what might have been.
Be gentle on yourself and be patient with yourself.
((((((((((((((((((whitie)))))))))))))))))) so sorry to hear you are going through this. What I have heard is that divorces no matter how long you have been married are like Grieving over a death of someone in your family or friends.... What you are going through is normal just take one day at a time!!! Keep the focus on you and you getting better and healing for you!!!
Glad to hear your A is getting the help he needs for him!!!
(((((Whitie))))))) It is very very hard to serve the papers and get divorced. I know. I had the papers served to my husband last August. I had been gone since May but it still shocked my A.
Yes you are mourning the loss of your marriage as am I.
Some days are bad but most are good for me. When I do get depressed and down I write a gratitude list a mile long for all of the improvements in my life since I made the choice to save myself and leave. I list all of the ways I was angry and upset and lost and dying a bit every day in my marriage.
I know in my heart that I can never again live the way I did. The changes in me since the miracle of alanon are amazing.
My husband has a HP as does I and He is in charge.
I am glad that you posted your feelings. It really helps me to write out my feelings.
It is difficult the path we are on. Stay strong and keep posting. I sure can relate to the depression. I have become obsessed with running and biking to get the endorphins kickstarting my brain.
In support
Megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
Yes, I know just how you feel. I also got a divorce after 19 years of marriage and had been wanting out of it for a long time. My husband was an A and drug dealer. We had 4 children.
I was like you, so surprised to find myself going through the depression so badly. I did get some counseling and I too discovered that a divorce is actually a death ... the end of a relationship, not what it actually was, but the end of what I actually had "wanted and dreamed" it was supposed to have been. I think it's also the finality of it that hits you in the face.
That was 18 years ago! A lot has happened since then and there are still times I look back and grieve for "what could have been". Always those shoulda-coulda-woulda's!
Try it one day at a time and give yourself some self care. I wish I would have done that more back then! Instead I wallowed in it for quite some time.
So glad you can make it to visit the board! Hope you can make the f2f meetings too!
I admire your strength and courage. I think depression is there even when a person wants out, for me it felt like I was giving up. And I am stubborn, and I ain't no quitter!
You will probably need lots of rest now, all that legal junk can be very exhausting, and you will be mentally tired. At least I was. Change, even good ones, can be stressful until things even out.
For sure, no matter how inevitable or how much you have prepared or it, you still have to go throught the grieving process for your marriage.
Even though I was the one who was the recipient of those papers and not the one who issued them, I knew it was the thing I needed to get on with my life. It still hurt, to my mind, worse than if my ex-wife had died. Because this was her choice, to end our marriage. But it has been the best thing for me.
You will grieve, so will he. In the end you will both be free to move on with your lives. And with him attending AA as well, what a blessing. I am glad that he will have the loving support of a program filled with people who understand to help him grieve, just as I did. And you know that we will be here to hold you while you grieve the death of your marriage as well.
Thank HP for you, today, Whitie! This is EXACTLY where I am--waiting for papers to be served on my ex, and absolutely dreading the kaka that will be flying the next 6 weeks (months??) or so.
Like you, I "know" one must expect to mourn the loss of ANY significant relationship--even a toxic one. But I didn't expect it to be like this: a basket case, unable to work, desperate for any diversion--until my program comes to mind, and I make my way to this blessed site.
To paraphrase what I hear in every "live" Al-Anon meeting I attend: We already love you, Whitie, in our own special way.
