The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sure there are many out there with a story familiar to mine. I am 32 years old and I grew up with an alcoholic mother. As most families do, we never talked about the problem. My father worked out of town and was usually only home on the weekends.
I have a older brother who was consider the troublesome one in the family, he played the...
Scapegoat: These people are identified as the "family problem." They are likely to get into various kinds of trouble, including drug and alcohol abuse, as a way of expressing their anger at the family. They also function as a sort of pressure valve. When tension builds in the family, the scapegoat will misbehave as a way of relieving pressure while allowing the family to avoid dealing with the drinking problem. Scapegoats tend to be unaware of feelings other than anger.
And I played the role of the...
Placater: These children learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations in the family. They seem to have an uncanny ability to sense what others are feeling at the expense of their own feelings. They tend to take total responsibility for the emotional care of the family. Because of their experience in this role, they often choose careers as helping professionals, careers which can reinforce their tendencies to ignore their own needs.
My brother follows in my mother footsteps, but he thinks he is fine and won't admit he has a problem but he does acknowledge our mothers.
I always thought I was "normal". But after doing some reading I have realized a few things about myself. I don't normally like to share my feelings, I fear criticism and take it as a threat, I always worry about other before myself and I do everything I can to avoid an argument at home. My wife found Al-anon for me on the internet and it has begun to open my eyes. I never thought growing up with an alcoholic could have that much of an influence on you, until I began reading some of thier information. I have ordered a book called Guide to Recovery, A book for Adult Children of Alcoholics, with jopes it will open my eyes even more. I hope with time I can understand more, change and heal.
If anyone has any advice to offer or has had similar experiences I would love to hear from you. I haven't been to a meeting yet, only because I don't think I am ready.M.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress (MIP) Heaven (tee hee hee),
I love your screen name. In Alanon, the barometer for how we are doing is when we don't want to do something ~ you said you aren't ready for a meeting yet. Perhaps that's just the thing that you need.
You made a very good first beginning. We can't change what we don't acknowledge. There are online meetings here and are very good; however, I like to think of the meetings here as a supplement for my face to face meetings. For me, there's no substitute for a real hug (which at first really freaked me out) and someone's compassionate face listening to you as you bare your soul.
Again, welcome, I hope to see you in a meeting here and keep coming. "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." If you provide the willingness, our Higher Power will provide the power.
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hello Wish , you don't think your ready for Al-Anon yet ?? hmmmmmm whatcha waiting for , things to get really bad ?and they will trust me. do yourself a favor and bite the bullet and go to a meeting do it just for you , you will be amazed.
Wow Welcome to MIP I am glad you are here!! Yep you are telling my story and I am so grateful that i bit the bullet and walked into my first meeting 2 years ago it has truely changed my life!!! i too had the attitude i wasn't ready yet for alanon yadayada but i was sure tired of the hell I was going through too and I need HELP!!!!!! Anyways glad you are here and keep coming back you are worth it!!!
hey wish - (((((hugs))))) my situation is very different, but i was not ready for alanon meetings for a long time. so many people said to me i should go. finally i did, and it felt so good. but still i didn't go regularly. but i always felt better after a meeting. now i am going much more regularly and even have a sponsor and i am starting to work the steps and as my recovery progresses i am so surprise at how good i can feel - try it - i don't see that you have anything to lose - good luck! - quest
Thank you all for your kind words. The only reason I am not ready for a meeting is because I find it hard to be mad at or blame my mother for traits I don't like about myself. I guess I was always taught to take "resposibilty" for yourself. I feel I need to do some more reading and research because I am not 100% convinced that my family is responsible for these traits. I find it hard to blame them. My wife and I seem to argue quite abit because I can't handle any critism coming from her and I always seem to take it personally. When this happens I get my back up and fight back. I am so tired of fighting with her, I love her so much and i just want a happy marriage. We have 2 young daughters (ages 1 and 2 1/2 yearsold) and I don't want them to see us arguing or fighting all the time. I think I just needed to hear that other people felt the same way I do before they started going to meetings.
This program is not about blame at all. Not for our family or spouses. It's about "maturing", growing up in a different way. By taking the 12 steps, you will grow so much in this program. You say you take things personal. With this program, you will quickly learn to not take things personal. It is, however, a slow gentle process. The only requirement for membership is that you've been affect"ed" (past, present) by someone else's drinking. We don't focus on the drinker, present or past. We keep the focus on us. There's a self-test on the al-anon home page, check it out.
"The journey of 1,000 miles starts with but a single step."
Maria123
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I don't think blame was the right word. I have always had trouble beleiving that my mothers drinking has had that big of an affect on me. Until my wife found Al-anon for me I woud have never guessed it. It wasn't until I started to read info and the Al=anon web site that I realized what it effects it could or did have on me. I did do the little self test and the resluts were pretty surprising. I think I answered yes to over half of the questions. I do want to grow and mature to help improve my marriage and the future of our children. I think in the next couple of weeks I will try and go to my first meeting.
