The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today has been a rough day. I don't know why I have been so hard on myself today. For some reason, I am doubting if what is going on is real, or if I am just thinking all of this to put the blame on him for ending the relationship. A way to justify things in my mind. But then the images of every single empty beer can I found in hiding places and how he knew nothing about them come flooding back in my mind. Or how he was always up to going out with his friends (who drink) during the day when I was at work, when he supposedly wasn't drinking, but whenever I wanted to do something at night when I got off of work, he was too tired, or he had to get up early the next day. And I get angry because I can't believe that he couldn't talk to me and tell me that he started drinking again. I get angry because I can now see the difference in him,from when he really did stop drinking to when I started finding the empties again. I get angry because I think that if he really did truly love me, then he wouldn't have hid the truth from me. And then I get sad because I know that he doesn't deserve my love, and that there are others out there who DO deserve my love. But then I think that he'll change and I want to be there for him when he does change. But I don't want to hurt anymore, that is one thing I do know.
You found a great place. If one is serious about getting well from the affects of loving an A ,this is the place.
First you are not alone, you are not the first person to learn all this about their A, or feel what you feel.
They hide their cans/ bottles/needles becuz they are ashamed. It has nothing to do with you. In fact, sadly they don't worry that much about what we think. The disease makes a person very selfish.
These people who are alcoholics are very, very sick. They do not choose to be so ill. They lose their kids, wives, homes and so so much more. NO ONE would choose to do that.
I feel they deserve our love and respect as anyone that is a nice person, who has a disease does.
Now just becuz they are A does not mean they are a nice person. Only each of us knows this.
All kinds of people are a.
As far as if he gets well, you want it to be with you, I have felt that and have heard that a hundred times. Alanon will help you to understand, that is not even a real situation.
A's are A's forever. It does not go away becuz they are sober. Some get worse sober. Unless they are in AA or another helpful program, it can still be hell.
AA will teach them skills how not to use. Besides not using, they can learn to build back their integrity, how to stop using excuses, teach them to be honest and face the music. and more
Aism is not just using, not at all. It is only a symptom of the disease.
I know this is a lot of info. I promise if you keep coming back here, and if you can, attend meetings where you live, you will see things totally differently.
To educate ourselves about this disease, is the most loving thing we can do for them and us. I promise you won't be sorry.
When i say they will have this disease forever, it is true. If they get on a program of recovery, it is forever, and in that recovery there will be relapse, rehab, sober time, sober time on a program, relapse... and on and on.
Living with and loving an A is close to impossible. If a person goes to AA and his sig. other goes to alanon, the relationship has a better chance.
I hear ya say you know you don't want to be hurt anymore. In my experience of life, hurt is a big part of it. Life is very, very hard. We go thru all kinds of things we just cannot believe happen. But that is life.
If we don't hurt, bang our heads and hearts into things, we will not learn. I chose to stay married to my A. I have learned more than I ever thought possible. And would not have learned had I divorced him. There is a reason, for me, to choose not to divorce becuz my hp hates divorce.
The good news is, alanon is the best thing that has ever happened to most all people. Even if you don't have an A it is a great map to learn by and live by.
Glad you are here. Hope you can find a meeting where you are.
hello (((wishing))) <---hugs. and welcome to alanon. you are in the right place. i know how you feel about the dissapointment of your a (alcoholic/addict) lying to you. i know you feel like he doesnt love you. this program has showed me, that its not about us. its not that they dont love us, they are just ill. the power of addiction is tremendous and what it can do to those that we love. i too have wanted to be there for my a when he got better. he has been sober for 42 days from booze and crack, but is slipping very quickly. i too feel unloved and abandoned. it hurts. but then i must remind myself of his disease. he doesnt choose to feel this way, i dont think anyone on this earth would want to feel that way. what helps me is that i do not have to make any decisions today. as you go on in this program the answers will come. get yourself to meetings face to face (f2f) or here online. get a sponsor. this program is for you. to love yourself and get your life back. it really does work and you will see that if you keep coming back.
your sis in recovery
notsonew:)
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
I used to think I was original (ha ha). Everything you shared, I thought I alone in the world was the only one feeling that way. I can't tell you how many times I have heard those same thoughts shared aloud.
Nobody can go back and make a brand new start but anyone can start from now and make a brand new end
Keep coming and keep posting.
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
