Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> abuse & anger management
Post Info TOPIC: abuse & anger management
scared


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:
abuse & anger management
Permalink  

Hi its been quite some time since ive been here. but im in dire need of help. Im hoping at least one of you mite be able to help direct me to were i need to be. I grew up in a home with a father who was an A and was both physicly and mentaly abusive to my mother and I. mom seems to have came thru it ok after his death ( allmost 20 years ago) But I on the other hand with the exeption of using alcohol from time to time have major bouts with anger hard to control to uncontrolable at times. I get self abusive. I havent a straight finger on either hand due to breaking bones in them. as well as have broken my hand, knuckles, and toes. but the bigest scares are in my head and heart.


dont get me wrong I am a very loving man, I guess I care too much for other people, but in my years all i can come up with is when i feel threatened, unworthy, or just dont measure up to what is expected of me. I feel like i just want to curl up in a corner some were and die.  all Ive ever wanted is for some one to give me the same love and careing that I have at least tried to give or show them. it seems most times i just set myself up for a let down. this is were my let downs ususaly start to happen,  the biggest thing latly is I have just re married a week ago saturday. I love this woman dearly. and low and behold it was less than 24 hours and we were at it. I felt betrayed because i spent our wedding night in bed alone. her asleep in a chair. (both sober) not a big deal i guess but i work nights she works days. i go all week waiting for the time that we can sleep in  the same bed. at the same time. granted this was a very rough day for us both but mostly her. she was a wreck the day of the wedding.  im sorry im getting way off the point  does any one have a clue as to were I mite find good help on this issue either online or in a group?   any help woud be of great help.  i need to nip this in the bud before it kills a relationship with a great lady. or i break more bones  im running out.



__________________
debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3131
Date:
RE: abuse & anger management
Permalink  

This is so strange. My son just got married too and I tell ya, now this is MY experience. I cannot imagine how any marriage can work with the working nights thing. Especially if ya both work different shifts.


One comes home tired,one is rareing to go and visa versa. One works week ends the ohter doesn't.


When do you talk, when ya both are tired at different times? Communication is vital in a relatioship.


Honeymoons are often a disaster the first night. Sad eh? After all the stress of the wedding and people and all no wonder.


I seriously talked to my son and new daughter about her going to days. She has a job offer to do so. It is one dollar less an hour. I told them both, trust, have faith and go for it. It will be ok.


Anyway this is my experience. I know I learned when I am tired I cry. If I said all the things that might come out of my mouth, no one would like to be around me.


I have learned not to talk then, and to tell myself you are just tired.


I lived with my a husband who can be terribly violent and hurt me badly the last time. To me anger management, whatever that is, may be as simple as getting a lot of execise to use that energy up so when ya have that rush of adrenline you act more appropriately. It is ok to get angry, that is natural. It is not natural to have all that pent up stuff come out so violently.


I believe men get horribly frustrated becuz they want to fix everything. If they have done all they know how, they lose it if things are still bad.


Please get some help. Maybe ask your doctor about it. Maybe a counselor and or a psychologist who is experienced in this type of behavior.  We all need to direct our anger in a way that helps things.


Even if it is, I gotta go for a run, then we can talk. Or I gotta go fishing or take the dog and run or walk or bike.


It is pent up energy, run it out in an appropriate way.


If you are tired, remind yourself of that.


My A, omg, I finally learned he gets pasty white, has a horrible headache and is abusive.


Then it got where he has lost touch with reality and is abusive.


I am glad you are here. You know Leo Buscalglia is very soothing. Ya might want to read some of his stuff.


Also are you taking care of you? What do you do for you?Are you having fun?


love,debilyn



__________________

"If wishes were wings,piggys would fly."
<(*@*)>
lebe27


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 129
Date:
RE: abuse &amp; anger management
Permalink  

Hi Scared,


Reading your post was weird so many parts sounded like my A had posted except when you got to the newly married part.  Though my A experienced very severe sexual abuse as an adolescent and teen from neighborhood pedaphiles.  He tries to be liked by everyone and most turn out to be users/abusers for some reason.  I am probably about the only one in his life that doesn't abuse him including his family and with the abuse mentality he has he even sometimes accuses me of using him.  He has alot of trouble connecting with others on an emotional level that wall is always up.  These things I am sure have contributed to his inability to maintain much sobriety.  He is constantly relapsing.  I looked into counselling for him and found that the Crime Victims Assistance program offers free counselling to anyone who has been abused.  He has yet to go there though.  He did, however, try outpatient counselling through a rehab but the counsellor was very uncomfortable with the whole abuse thing and ended up causing more harm than good.  If you do decide to try counselling make sure you feel comfortable with the counsellor.  If you don't ask to see someone else.  Not all counsellors are good some can even be pretty bad.


Welcome back.



__________________
Maria123


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2055
Date:
RE: abuse & anger management
Permalink  

((((((Scared)))))))) <---welcome back hugs,


www.12stepforums.net has a Child Abuse Survivors message board, chat room and home page.


Do you have health insurance?  If so, call and get an appointment with a counselor that specializes in child abuse and anger management.  Does your employer have EAP (Employee Assistance Programs) which are free counseling?  If not, check your local area.  There are often counselors that provide free or reduced counseling.  I am sure there's no lack of anger management groups.  Seek them out.


I applaud your effort to "break the cycle."  I too am a survivor of physical and emotional abuse.  I thought that I could "white knuckle" my way to breaking the cycle that my father gave me. 


By the grace of God, I found Alanon and have gone to meetings, worked the 12 steps, gotten a sponsor, and continue recovery.  It's a way of life for me.  My children are much better off with a mother in recovery.  Today I am a woman I can be proud of and am a mother who's loved.  Without this program, I don't know where I'd be.


We are here for you.


Maria123


Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.



If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.


Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte



__________________
If I am not for me, who will be?  If I am only for myself, then who am I?  If not now, when?
quest


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 39
Date:
Permalink  

hi scared (((((hugs))))) i think you've got a lot of good advise here, now i think the hard part (at least for me) is to follow up and do these things.  and not just once, but maybe every day or many times a week or at least once every week.  you are worth it, make it a priority in your life. if you take care of yourself these other things will follow (your relationship with your wife).  make a commitment to yourself for yourself!  (((((hugs))))) go for it - quest

__________________
scared


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 19
Date:
Permalink  

thank you all for your input. so far i have contacted my med. doctor. I wanted to ask him his professional opinion and possably he may have good referances. and mite even be able to get insurance to pick up some or all of the counceling, I sure hope so. I want this for myself but I made a promise to my new wife that i would be good to her and be some one she could finally trust and not fear, she has lived a life of use as well as abuse by other men in her past life. she is a great lady and she deserves better. as i deserve better. but i have decided that if i cant get a grip ( as much as i hate to say this ) get myself out of her life. I cant face the idea that maybe  just maybe I will be more harm than good. a thing that scares me is knowing that being in my mid 40s i may take a long time to break this cycle. and theres the possability that I may never be able to.


I went for many years before my problem surfaced. i mean as a kid i had my fights and arguments but i never took anything out on a loved one. it seems like once it happened that was all it took. I do know as long as i felt special to some one i hardly had any trouble at all , I was at piece with the world so to speak, but once i got the feeling i was not so special to some one, or i didnt get a little special treatment from them it hurt deeply. maybe its my fault maybe i shouldnt treat the special people in my life as if they are so special to me? there is absolutely nothing in this world I wouldnt do for her or any one else i love and care about. simply for the asking or to know what I did brought them a good feeling inside. but for now even though it may be just words to her I need her to believe in me, stand beside me thru this and trust that i am seeking help. a little special treatment now and then would be surely help to boost my soul, but i know at least for the ime i probably dont deserve it.   one day i hope.



__________________
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
RE: abuse &amp; anger management
Permalink  

Aloha Scared!!  You're telling my story and the same story of alot of men.  You are certainly NOT alone.  You are starting to take some steps in correcting what is correctable and that is good for you.  You have chosen a mate that has come from abuse...as I have (double wammy for me!!)  I work on my "other self" 24/7 cause I have/want to.  I no longer deny that part of me and have gone after it "for me" consistently and others who use to be victims of that personality can now benefit from the change.  It isn't perfect, I am not a saint, (and who is?) an I abuse myself less and less everyday while hardly abusing others at all. 


I sponsor other men who have this problem some less than and others more than I have had. I have been an anger management/alternatives to violence counselor and learned tons more from being in the rooms with them.  High, unreasonable expectations of myself and other plus low self esteem plus negative unchecked, insane experiences plus low to no awarenesses plus a fear based emotional character defect plus huge amounts of false pride and ego plus the unwillingness to trust took away most of my life and relationships in my family and community for years.  Insanity was normal for me and acting out on myself and others was my one and only reaction to fear.


It's good you came back.  It's good you feel trusting and willing. Feel free to hookup outside of the board.  (((((((hugs)))))))



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> abuse & anger management