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Let Go Let God has been a confusing and challenging task for me. I'm still mastering it. I have felt conflicted with my feelings towards my "A". He says there is nothing for me to worry about with regards to him cheating on me, but don't most people say that even when its not true? The strip club thing really bothered me because he bought condoms and called the credit card company to check the balance, why? I guess maybe he thought he could get away with it? The most bothersome feelings I have are the threats and words he used last week. I'm trying to distance myself from them and tell myself that he's angry and frustrated with himself, but if he really believes I'm making him miserable I could be looking at abandonment here in the near future. I can't help but be fearful that I'm praying, changing myself, and putting up with his crap just to get left with more debt than before. I'm afraid of being hurt again, I'm afraid of going through another separation, and this time I'm afraid that I really wouldn't be able to make it financially. Why am I so afraid?
I had lunch with my old friend yesterday, she is going through her own drama. She recently got remarried and is already cheating on her spouse. The person she chose to have an affair with sounds like an alcoholic or addict to me, but who knows. She broke it off and he began blowing up her cell with lots of calls during our lunch. She got really angry when I began telling her about last week's events and how my A blames me for all his problems. She said don't you love yourself enough to let this person go? Why are you allowing him to talk to you like that and do these things? She urged me not to marry him and urged me to think about my options for me and the children. I understand she's concerned and does not want me to get hurt, but I felt convicted. I felt I had to justify my choices to stay. Of course this leaves me with more conflicting thoughts and what the hell am I doing this for? My resolve this morning, there is nothing I can do to prevent him from cheating, leaving us, watching what he says to me and the children. All I can do is focus on what I need to be happy. I would love my A to be happy with me, but until he's happy with himself that won't happen. Maybe all this changing I'm doing will give me the strength I need to make a tough decision. I don't take leaving lightly. My friend does not have children, she also does not have much faith in any HP. I believe HP listens to my prayers and is slowly answering them. I don't understand the reason for bringing my A back into my life only to have him leave again. My fear is my A really doesn't love me or want to be at home and that he will do as he pleases regardless of how it affects me and the children so I'll get to the point that I've had enough and throw him out again. Then he again, can say "She threw me out that's why I left". Let Go Let God is not easy when fear is so deep.
I thought I was doing well, working this program so I could stay. I stay because I love my A dearly and I enjoy the good times we do have together. Are these outside forces trying to rock me off my path and program? I don't believe I have to physically remove myself from the A to detach with love and let go of controlling and manipulating him. I guess I can't make my A love me or want to be with me. I can't force him to stay if he doesn't want to stay. I am trying to take ODAT with allowing the natural progression of life to unfold for myself and him. If this is the journey shouldn't I allow myself to enjoy as much of it as I can and not worry so much about what is going to happen? Any ESH would be appreciated and thanks for listening.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'll get to the point that I've had enough and throw him out again. Then he again, can say "She threw me out that's why I left".
When and if you are ready to leave the above quote won't be in your vocabulary. You will have made a decision to do what is best for you. What he thinks and says will not matter.
Keep comin back, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am so sorry you are feeling this way. In many ways I wonder if you are spying on me though ... You see, if you are fighting with yourself to understand weather he really wants to be there or not, I have been doing that for a long time. It effects my actions and reactions to her.
She has said so many things that make me wonder why does she stay.... she hates me, she wants to do things as a couple alone without the kids (but we fight every time), she has thought of leaving for 6 mo. but she is afraid of being alone.
The biggie for me is that when we seperated and her "boyfriend" dumped her, she was devoted to making things work for us. Was this security, or love refound? Only lasted about a year, so it's hard to tell. If she had not been drinking I would not have even tried. Even then I knew she was sick.
Now that I know this is a debilitating disease, I know they will lie and say mean things that aren't necessarilly true. I really can't tell what is true anymore. I have to stop trying to do that. Just like I had to stop counting her beers.
I work everyday not to offer false hope for her that I will magically be who she wants, because what she wants is for me to become her drinking buddy and take her partying. I am doing my best to do for me and the kids. I have made it clear that she should do the same and we will see if things don't get better. But it's hard, very hard.
I see a lot of strength in your posts. Please don't doubt your strength because there are some confusing facts. You are doing great! You have tools to help you get buy and a HP to help you know what is next. You allways have us as well, you know we are here for you.
Take care of you.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You are right, he is not going to appreciate you until he can appreciate himself.
It is so hard to just take it ODAT, I think we all look to the future.
Believe it or not, you are doing ok. Deal with today and let tommorrow take care of itslef. If something needs to be done, trust HP to let you know, and that HP will keep you safe. You will be okay, no matter what. You have come such a long way, and seem so much stronger than you did.
Try and remember that A's lie, and some cheat. While we do not have to accept it, remembr it is not about you. It is all about them.
I'm struggling witht he same fears you have. I don't really know what to say ... except I care and am trying hard too. Thank you for posting. Take care of you.
the oppisite of fear is faith. when i am scared and trying to control it is so hard for me to find my faith. when i become immoblized with fear then i can turn it over and really give up control. i have those friends too who don't understand. black and white - if this happens then this should happen. but life is not that clean. love is not that uncomplicated. and our friends with all the right answers usually have a motive for telling us what to do. wether it is that they don't know love, or that they don't want to focus on themselves whatever. maybe hp didn't bring him into your life again. maybe you did and hp is there like a perfect parent allowing us to make our own mistakes and loving us anyway. helping only when we ask and when hp knows it's best for us. just a thought. you are doing a good job working this program. just imagine where you would be if you didn't have this program and see the changes! it is ok to stay, to love. when you are ready when the time is right all will be clear. until then do the best that you can. keep posting you have no idea how your honesty has helped me. peace and love
You see, if you are fighting with yourself to understand weather he really wants to be there or not, I have been doing that for a long time. It effects my actions and reactions to her.