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Post Info TOPIC: Don't just do something, sit there!


Senior Member

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Posts: 120
Date:
Don't just do something, sit there!


I'm feeling so conflicted.
I believe it's likely my brother will die from his alcoholism and meth addiction soon and it's heartbreaking. He's only 35 and he's never had any kind of life. He still lives with our parents and he's held the same job for the last 12 years but he lost it yesterday for being drunk at work. The entire family has been practising detachment for a few years but honestly, I feel like it isn't right anymore. I had a discussion with an alcoholic recently who told me that they were sure they were going to  die a few years ago, but then their sister hired a car, and turned up at their house and demanded they get in. They took them on a 3 week road-trip and they sobered up and have been sober ever since. I am considering making a grand gesture to try to help Jim. I know it conflicts with al-anon principals but if he just dies never having experienced life outside of being drunk in front of his computer I just don't think I can live with that. I think it's different when someone has had a bit of life experience and then drowns in alcoholism- then it's a choice. But Jimbo has never experienced life, he just started drinking hard as a teenager and never progressed beyond that. I don't think I can live with burying him and knowing that I never even tried. 
I could really use some support.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 641
Date:

{{YKM}}

Want to give you the right support and thoughts, per Al-Anon recommendations, and understand how

you have arrived at the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now.

It sounds like you want to stage an intervention and Al-Anon suggests that you sit with that person,

when they are sober, and talk to them about your concerns (maybe the whole family can do this

with you). That alcoholic you spoke with about, their experience with their family and the 3-week

road trip he was taken on, was very fortunate for all concerned that it worked and there was no

medical issues encountered. Your sibling has alcohol and drug issues that could require medical

intervention when he detoxes. I am so sorry that your brother, you and your family are struggling

and hope that everyone who see your post can respond with their support and guidance. {{HUGS}}

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2481
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{{{YKM}}} Wow, this is a tragic and heartbreaking situation. I agree with Debbie that a road trip might not be the best solution to try, but an intervention could be a constructive idea. In NY, you can have an alcohol counselor join a meeting like this, with family and friends along for the experience. You can find an alcohol/drug agency in your area and ask if anyone is available to be there with you as you are describing a life-threatening situation.

I commend you for your desire to help and not give up, but you can lead the horse to water, and we know how the rest goes. But if you wish to try, listen to and follow your heart. Sending love and light.

__________________

Lyne



Senior Member

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Posts: 347
Date:

Good Day Youknowme. I regret that you and your loved ones are in deep pain. I send you my love, prayers and plenty of hugs. Debbie and Lyne have offered sound advice. My situation was dry drunk/mental health so I don't have experience/knowledge to draw upon for input. However, what helped me most was to ensure I treated my disease. You indicated you utilize the Al-Anon toolbox extensively and that (I believe) will lead to choices that bring healing. Please stay safe. I appreciate my HP placing you in my path. Sending love, light, blessings to you and your family. You are an amazing sister, daughter and mother. (((HUGS)))

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Senior Member

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Posts: 120
Date:

Thank you everyone. I contacted AA world services and got a response. They said that they can do a home visit but only if the alcoholic has reached out to them in the first place. So I asked my mother if Jim ever expresses any remorse or distress about his drinking and she said yes he does. So I gave her the number and email to give him, next time he's feeling remorseful and says he wants help. I hate this so much. Jimmy is a sweet, funny kid. What he's doing to himself is intolerable.

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Senior Member

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Posts: 270
Date:

(((youknowme))) It hurts to watch a loved one who is using and not seeking help to live free of addiction. AA, rehabs etc. from my personal experience have expected the alcoholic to reach out personally, to admit they have a problem and want help. I couldn't get my husband into a rehab under any other terms.

As far as this guy and his getting sober after a road trip, if giving people who are actively using a window into all that we ourselves perceive makes life worth living actually got people sober; rehabs would be out of business in my humble opinion. If you attend open AA where we Al-anons are welcome and listen to speakers or even online, the resounding theme is that despite all the efforts of others; they weren't ready until they themselves were tapped by a power greater than themselves and bottomed out, wanted it. Mixed with logical stories of getting sober, I have at times heard speakers tell some fanciful tales. I appreciate all who share the gift of their personal experience - where they have been and their journey to where they are today. I never take the gift of receiving this gift from others for granted. I consider it to be a selfless act of service. With that said, in consideration of my own recovery and need to continue my progress; I use the power of discernment to take what I like and leave the rest. 

In your post, I hear a loving sister who wants her sibling who only wishes a full life for her brother. A few years back a sponsee told me her daughter in AA wanted to take her brother who was not in recovery to a very expensive concert. The mother who was my sponsee suggested this might jar her son into sobriety. He might have an awakening of all he is missing. Of course that didn't happen. What she did share was that her children had a wonderful time with one another. Long later, he chose to seek help and get sober. 

I wish I had known much earlier in my recovery the difference between loving the alcoholic and loving the alcoholic to death (enabling). So many resentments and lack of Al-anon recovery blocked me from seeing the alcoholic/addict in my life as a person and rather as a hindrance to my day to sanity. I certainly didn't offer the same love to them as other non-alcoholic family members. I didn't see alcoholism as an illness but rather as a self destructing choice. Therefore, I withheld giving as a form of punishment and perhaps my own behavior added to their feelings of being unlovable. Powerless to get another sober but not powerless to be kind and love without conditions. Since hp speaks through others, no doubt I missed many opportunities to learn from a loving interchange between myself and my family member and perhaps they from me. Instead I attempted a few things with the motivation that they might change to my liking and when they didn't get sober, I made myself emotionally unavailable to a family member I claimed to love because of lack of reciprocity - conditioned love.

I like your idea about wanting to know your brother more through shared activities. I hope you do and will have some nice memories from if you choose to do so. Personally, I have regretted missed opportunities even for myself by not fully loving alcoholic family members. It took more recovery than I had at that time. I had expectations, loved conditionally and had little acceptance then.

Thanks for your heartfelt share.

 



__________________

Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 862
Date:

Hi all, great stuff above on a tough topic...

Tough topic, not as necessarily in knowing and understanding the program principles that are in play, but in handling the strong feelings that come along with watching someone we love struggle in life and travel along the one-way journey that is alcoholism...the feelings that tell us that we desperately want, need, and can help them, that if we don't bad things will happen.

These are the feelings that brought me to ALanon after trying everything I could think of and then some, most multiple times, to save the alcoholic from an outcome I was terrified they were headed to, to help them latch onto the future I was certain they were capable of enjoying, and to relieve myself of the terrible sense of helplessness and dread that clung to my soul every waking moment.

It turns out that I wanted sobriety for the alcoholic more than they did, as evidenced by the fact that they were still drinking. I reached my bottom before they did, turned to Alanon out of desperation and a determination to make a change in my own life.

Alanon pointed to my choice: learn the principles of the program, truly accept my powerlessness over alcohol and find serenity, or continue using the principles and tools of my own understanding to guide them to what I thought they needed.

So many good pages in C2C and ODAT on the topics of Control, Detachment and others, but 3 pages that helped me tremendously in this area are C2C 203, 168, and 124.

They each acknowledged the natural feelings I had of wanting to help, but helped me reevaluate the possible impact of injecting my best guess of what was needed into their possible learning opportunities.

I am sure you will do what you feel is best for you and those involved, remember that you are not alone and you will be in our hearts and thoughts as you navigate this challenging area    

 



__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 

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