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well things have took a complete turn around once again. my a told me last night that he cant stay sober, that he cant handle it. he has been 41 days sober. these days have been the best. but now he is just giving up. he was in an outpatient program and has been finished for a week. so the cravings started. he says aa and meetings dont work for him. then isnt it impossible for him to stay sober. im just so hurt right now. im trying my best to hand it all over to hp right now, i know there is nothing i can do. the only part i can control in all of this is myself. and my choice is to end our relationship if he is choosing to go down that path again. its so weird to see one person one day that you are so madly in love with and you know this person loves you then the very next day its all gone. that look in his eyes is gone and is now replaced by the look of the devil. i wish so much that i didnt love him. the only thing i can do is walk away if he wont stay sober. this isnt a threat to try to make him stay sober this is for my health. i was wasting away when he was living with me actively using. ive come so far and i just cant give that all up just because he is making the choice to wreck his life. i wont let him wreck mine. i really need some comfort words and words of wisdom right now. i need prayers from all of you that pray. thank you for listening.
a notsohappy notsonew :(
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stay in the now...dont look forward, dont look back....your life is what you make of it
Hello not . AA works if they work it just like our program works for us. Yes some can stay sober with out a program it's been done before. We don't have the right to choose the method of recovery for anyone but ourselves. But I strongly suspect your husb is not looking for recovery at this time in his life. Dosen't mean he won't ever look for it but when he has hit his bottom he will know where to go for help. The seed has been planted.
I have heard that a belly full of booze and head full of AA just don't work. and they don't know it yet but they have enjoyed thier last drunk. Which in a twisted way gave me comfort back then. hehe
Keep the focus on your own needs , do what u have to do for yourself. Pray for him and give him to God he will take him where he needs to go.
I'm sorry you are unhappy right now. I understand your feelings. My AH lied to me about money the other day and I know what that means .... I had to leave. It's been a couple days now and I'm not so happy either. I am not full of resentment or anger so I guess it is progress. I hope soon we both can write we are not so sad and maybe even pretty happy. Until then you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.
Hello, notsonew, Thank you for your post. I know you are working hard on your program, and that is a great way to take care of yourself. My heart goes out to you. The only experience, strength and hope I can offer you is to take it one day at a time, even one moment at a time if that is all you can do. Sometimes that's all I have been able to do. You don't even have to make a decision today about what you are going to do about the A. You only have today. Through working the 12 steps, I have learned that I have the strength within me to stay with my feelings, whatever they are, until I am clear on my next steps. Sometimes the feelings are painful, and sometimes they are not painful, but I do have the power within me to be with them, whatever they are. Make sure you talk to your sponsor now, and do some step work, or do some writing, whatever you can do to get this all out of you. Right now you sound real scared. Your HP will hear your prayer, whatever it is. Blessings to you, and I will be praying for you, notsonew, mebjk
thank you for your post. i was thinking back to when my ah was using. i left, i came back, i left, i came back. then he did get sober. and this last time he got sober i didn't say or think "if he uses again i'm out of here" because honestly i didn't know if i would be. that was a huge change for me. and a relief that i didn't have to make the decision to leave based on a what if. when he relapsed this last time i felt like the decision was made. i left and am moving on - or trying to odat. i felt peace and no anger. disappointment, passing fear but not the hatred i had felt in the past. it is difficult. he is in rehab but i think only to get me back. not me really but the comfortable-ness that he had with me. the stability and continuity i provided. as if rehab will make the slate clean and guarentee something. god bless him and i pray every night that he finds what he needs to be sane and sober. taking care of myself is so strange. it doesn't feel great yet. this too shall pass. keep on being good to yourself!
My first thought was, if he was sick of being sick, he would do AA, go back to rehab, anything not to drink again.
I believe if a person is ready to change something, really wants to, they will do anything to do it.
Some people lose their kids, jobs, health, spouces, vehicles, homes and finally feel so so down and awful and will grasp anything, anything that might help them. So they do AA or rehab or whatever and learn the skills they need to stay sober, learn to be honest again, learn skills how to be a better person, learn how to deal with life with out using.
If I were about to lose my family, my home, my pets you can bet I would walk into AA and I would start my step program and do my ninety meetings or more in ninety days.
Even if I had to bring a pillow to lay my head on, on the table, I would go. Even if I had to wear sweats and a huge shirt and my slippers...and not comb my hair, and no makeup or jewelry, lol you get what I mean.
I can only go by my experience. I loved mine too. There was no way I could divorce or try to leave him as my heart wouldn't anyway. I wanted to not love him, prayed for it. But still did. I would send him away when the A was talking then bring him back when he was him again.
I treasured every good moment we had. Until the Aism took him completely away and really did leave a demon. The love? not there anymore. just nothing there.
Used to think back how it used to be when we married, before this mess. I cannot remember anymore. I mean I cannot feel "that" feeling anymore.
I know it is true as he is in jail and I don't write or visit him. Have no desire to.
It will be what it is hon. You are right you must take care of you. If you cannot live with him, that is ok. Does not mean you will stop loving him. there are different kinds of relationships. you may find yourself allowing him to visit once in awhile. who knows.
Doing the day at a time, is what works. Today I know I want to leave or have him leave. Do each day as one.
Glad you are here. I hope you keep us updated. love,debilyn
My heart breaks for you because your heart is breaking. But I am also very proud of you for the decisions your're making. This is an awful horrible disease. Like you, I can't live with an active A. My hubby has struggled with his sobriety. But a wise A here told me that his last attempt at sobriety was filled with many hiccups, but he got it. I see progress in my A. He threw a bottle of vodka away the other day. He has a sponsor. So I'm not ready to give up yet. Do I wish he worked his program better? Yes. But as abbyal has pointed out to me so wisely, I need to stay out of his recovery and focus on mine. I have to remind myself of that on a daily basis.
Do what is best for you. I hear such strength in your voice, despite your heartbreak. You'll get through this. Remember we have your back and are always here for you. May you find peace and serenity in your decision.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
(((())NSN. I feel the desperation in your voice and the depth of despair. We are here for you. Your A is making his choice for the way he wants to lead his life now you have the opportunity to change yours for the way you want to live it. Thinking of you. Luv Leo xxx
Thank goodness for Alanon so we can be there for each other. My sober A keeps telling me that he is giving in to the disease. It is a strong pull. Joe and Charlie (audio tapes) say that it starts as an obsession of the mind. My A went to AA and quit. And I think why would you quit somethng that works? As we say hear many times we have to take care of ourselves. We have to grow. And we have to turn it over to our HP. I have to remind myself that I am married to an alcoholic and this is what goes with the territory. I can only consider it a gift from my HP.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting. Try and get to as many meetings as you can. Talk to your sponsor. Read,read and read some more. This disease is a terrible one that has control over him. He has to really want to to get sober and it sounds like he hasn't gotten to that point yet. If you need to talk you know where to find me. If you have lost my # just email me and i will give it to you again. Take care of yourself and do somethings that make you feel good.
I am sorry that you are going through this. I, as I'm sure many other, can relate. My AW was going to AA and often I would go with her. She was doing so well and it made me so happy to see her functioning normally all of the time. After a while, she too slipped back and decided that she did not want to go to AA. "Those people are not like me" she will say. I have told her that they are exactly like her, it is just that she has not hit bottom yet. In many ways I hope she never does hit bottom and in some ways I hope she will so that she can fully realize what she is doing to herself. I wish you the best.
But I am also very proud of you for the decisions your're making. This is an awful horrible disease. Like you, I can't live with an active A. My hubby has struggled with his sobriety. But a wise A here told me that his last attempt at sobriety was filled with many hiccups, but he got it. I see progress in my A. He threw a bottle of vodka away the other day. He has a sponsor. So I'm not ready to give up yet. Do I wish he worked his program better? Yes. But as abbyal has pointed out to me so wisely, I need to stay out of his recovery and focus on mine. I have to remind myself of that on a daily basis.