Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: C2C 29 September- Violence and personal responsibility.

Senior Member

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C2C 29 September- Violence and personal responsibility.

Today's C2C speaks of violence, and of the fact that whilst al-anon does not give advice regarding staying or leaving relationships, but emphasises personal responsibility for our own safety and well-being. It reminds us that no matter how unfair, dangerous or harmful the behaviour of another is, we can't change their behaviour, we can only change our own. 
This is of course one of the hardest truths for many people to accept when faced with the abusive behaviour of another and a huge hurdle when coming to al-anon especially if you are living with someone who undermines your sense of reality (You're crazy, it's your fault, it's all in your head!) At first it can seem like al-anon is agreeing with the abuser/ drinker and victim blaming and I really feel for people struggling with this huge step in the journey because I remember the frustration so well. It brings me back to a crucial moment in the days before I finally left my own violent relationship when we were screaming at each other in the car because I wanted my ex-A to admit that violence against me was wrong and he wouldn't say what I wanted him to say and I was absolutely livid. And then it dawned on me in the middle of screaming how insane my behaviour was- no amount of screaming was going to change his thinking, I could only change my behaviour and start protecting myself. It took a very long time for me to understand that I was powerlessness to make someone else care about my safety and wellbeing, but I absolutely could care about my own.

But I did learn it, and with all of the al-anon wisdom and tools that went with it, I learned it so well that I am here alive and well (back then, that was by no means a certainty) and I couldn't be more grateful for how life-changing and empowering the program's stance on violence was for me. It's a great reminder to me that no-one else can learn my lessons but me.


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 645

Thank you YKM for your service, todays reading and for your shared ESH.

So glad that you are and have taken care of your own personal safety!!!

There were times, before I finally got through the Twelve Steps, that

confronting/arguing/justifying my position would only feed into the

chaos/verbal abuse. Now I find that AH is hard pressed to get a rise

out of me. Lesson learned, mind my own business and the reward

is my sanity!! {{HUGS}}


"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2484

Thanks YKM for your service and the heartfelt ESH above. Yes, these are tough lessons to learn indeed, but for me, well worth it. I recall my A insisting she wasn't drinking at a family Thanksgiving, and being called crazy right to my face. I took her glass and tasted it--of course it was alcohol. Along with the other good things shared above, I've learned to trust myself and I'm not crazy. Good to know!



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