The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's C2C speaks of violence, and of the fact that whilst al-anon does not give advice regarding staying or leaving relationships, but emphasises personal responsibility for our own safety and well-being. It reminds us that no matter how unfair, dangerous or harmful the behaviour of another is, we can't change their behaviour, we can only change our own. This is of course one of the hardest truths for many people to accept when faced with the abusive behaviour of another and a huge hurdle when coming to al-anon especially if you are living with someone who undermines your sense of reality (You're crazy, it's your fault, it's all in your head!) At first it can seem like al-anon is agreeing with the abuser/ drinker and victim blaming and I really feel for people struggling with this huge step in the journey because I remember the frustration so well. It brings me back to a crucial moment in the days before I finally left my own violent relationship when we were screaming at each other in the car because I wanted my ex-A to admit that violence against me was wrong and he wouldn't say what I wanted him to say and I was absolutely livid. And then it dawned on me in the middle of screaming how insane my behaviour was- no amount of screaming was going to change his thinking, I could only change my behaviour and start protecting myself. It took a very long time for me to understand that I was powerlessness to make someone else care about my safety and wellbeing, but I absolutely could care about my own.
But I did learn it, and with all of the al-anon wisdom and tools that went with it, I learned it so well that I am here alive and well (back then, that was by no means a certainty) and I couldn't be more grateful for how life-changing and empowering the program's stance on violence was for me. It's a great reminder to me that no-one else can learn my lessons but me.
Thanks YKM for your service and the heartfelt ESH above. Yes, these are tough lessons to learn indeed, but for me, well worth it. I recall my A insisting she wasn't drinking at a family Thanksgiving, and being called crazy right to my face. I took her glass and tasted it--of course it was alcohol. Along with the other good things shared above, I've learned to trust myself and I'm not crazy. Good to know!
I know this is a pretty old reading but it caught my eye as I was reading through posts.
I have to admit that it does sound like Alanon is agreeing with the abuser/drinker and victim blaming. That was how I interpreted it and I was trying to work this program while being physically abused. I felt I was doing something wrong and why the abuse was continuing. Everyone here made avoiding arguments/fights by detaching,using program tools and slogans,etc. sound so easy yet no matter what I did it never got any better.
I had that very same argument Youknowme, wanting him to admit he was wrong in his violence against me and he wouldn't say it. And I came to the same realization and left. I wish I had left much sooner though. Just loving someone isn't enough reason to go through abuse,whether mental,verbal or physical. And I don't think Alanon condones abuse. There's a big difference in disagreements and arguments and abuse.
I am using this program as a way to make my life better and sometimes leaving a relationship is the best choice to make in order to take care of and protect ourselves.
-- Edited by SunnyFrog on Friday 27th of January 2023 07:33:29 PM
You're right, no one should ever feel they deserve to be physically abused, or abused in any way, whether it's emotional, mental, verbal or any other type of abuse.
It's not that I felt I deserved it, more so that I felt I wasn't doing enough to prevent it or stop it.
I'm just grateful to no longer be in that situation.
-- Edited by SunnyFrog on Sunday 29th of January 2023 07:14:56 PM
((SunnyFrog)) I'm so glad you are here and safe. It took a long time for me to set /maintain boundaries that kept me sane and safe Although I did not experience physical abuse, living under constant fear and tension made it necessary for me to set strict boundaries. I could not force meds on my husband but if he chose not to take responsibility for his brain health,
I indicated it was a deal breaker. The chaos of living with untreated mental illness created an unsafe environment. FULL STOP. We deserve to be safe. ((HUGS))
One of the most terrifying aspects of this disease to me (now that I've left the relationship with the alcoholic) is how easy it is to accept abusive behavior as normal. Physical, emotional, verbal, financial - when that's your world day in and day out, you forget you have a choice to accept it or not. When I look back on the years that I lived with (what I now recognize as daily) abuse, well I can't believe I didn't realize it. But I didn't. It was "just my life".
Not until I got called out for allowing my children to be put in danger by Childrens Services- did I realize what had happened. And even THEN it took me MONTHS to accept that I had normalized a complete lack of safety in my life. In fact, I prioritized keeping my Q placated in hopes of him not escalating the drinking.
True confession time: even before the big incident that I refer to earlier in this post, I voluntarily put my child (just under 2 years old at the time) in his car, knowing that he was drunk out of his gourd because I was so desperate for him to think I was "supporting" him by "trusting him with our baby". He was so angry at me for saying he shouldn't drive drunk. We had gone to a restaurant and he couldn't park his car straight; it was sitting across 2 spots. He was yelling at me in the restaurant for not trusting him and ruining his day and making him want to take another drink. All I could think about was keeping him from taking that drink so I tried to placate him. I gave him the baby. He couldn't even get the baby strapped into the car seat properly because he was so drunk. Eventually he took the baby, laying in the car seat but not strapped in, and drove home.
I never thought about the baby while I followed them home. I was only congratulating myself for keeping the fight from getting so out of hand that he would have ordered a big drink at the restaurant and gotten even more drunk. Not because I cared about looks. I only cared about not letting him take that extra drink.
Now that I know better, that memory will drive me to my knees. What extreme mercy did the universe show me by letting them get back home without injury? What kind of mother will sacrifice her baby's safety in order to protect herself from the wrath of a drunken husband?
Now I know. Mothering is a low priority when protecting yourself against a drunk spouse is at stake.
*******
On a more positive note, I will forever remember the day I realized that placating a drunk spouse was not in the job description of wife, mother, friend, anyone .... I was shocked. For a moment, it was exciting and thrilling that I might be freed from that particular task. And then I was shocked I was shocked. It was like the scales got yanked from my eyes and I realized what I had subjected myself and my children to. Self esteem took a vertical drop into the depths of ocean that day. "I should have known! I'm the worst mother in the world! I'm smart! I should have known! I should have .... should have ....."
And as bad as that was ... that was the beginning of my new lease on life. Because it took that much to concede that I was not all powerful and able to Control my spouse's drinking, that I was NO match for alcoholism.
And that opened the door (eventually) to me accepting that ignorance is not something you can blame yourself for. I didn't know alcoholism wasn't beatable by me. I didn't know what it does to a drinkers brain. I didn't know that trying to reason with alcohol brain is a waste of time no matter how smart, articulate, educated, blah blah blah you are.
I like to tell people "Nowadays I am sober. I wasn't drunk with alcohol before, but I was drowning in a distorted reality. I might as WELL have been drunk with alcohol. As the song says, I was blind. But now i see."
Wow I can relate to all that Fedora,minus any young kid.
Today I was talking to a professional and told her some of the things that had been said to me. She said that was "domestic violence". I told her that wasn't physical abuse though and she said it was emotional abuse which is domestic violence. I actually googled it afterwards to see if she was right about that. I am not sure how i never knew that.
You're right,it's so easy to accept abusive behavior as normal.
