The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Spoiler alert: we can't, and trying to leads to frustration for all. So concluded today's author who acknowledged trying to change a spouse's by trying to determine their thoughts and then attempting to steer them as they thought best.
Alanon suggests this is not our job, right or responsibility, while working on our own certainly is.
Reminder: An unmanageable life often involves manipulations intended to control the thinking and actions of others to arrive at what we think should happen. This does not bring happiness for either party. Focusing on best spiritual practices in our own life will for us, may even assist others around us.
"If thou canst not make thyself such a one as though wouldst, how canst thou expect to have another according to thy liking?" - Thomas a Kempis ------------------------- As I see it, two main ways of trying to change others: direct or indirect. Today's page addresses the latter, but both approaches have the same outcome for all: increased unhappiness.
I don't believe I have an indirect tendency in my body lol, but do have a lifetime of efforts to direct, redirect, and change others by flat out asking, telling, and demanding that they do. I would claim that my intention is always good, the advice/instruction is often healthy, beneficial, sometimes even the best choice for the time and circumstances, however it was also often unrequested, unwanted, and always spiritually harmful to the recipients and myself.
When I try to change others, I take over the space intended and best left for their higher power, for action or inaction as they see fit or are ready to take on. This is perhaps the most difficult lesson and practice for me in the program...the closer I get to practicing Alanon's recommendation, however, the more Serenity for all involved...
Thy will, not mine...I pray that every day, am so grateful for the needed reminder
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul for your service and for all above ESH. Another Bettyism for sure, reminding me many, many times, not to try and force solutions. Looking back I cannot believe the many ways I tried to control my A--giving meeting lists, books to read, alcohol counselors phone numbers, etc. And of course, none of it was accepted and it left me utterly depleted and frustrated. Well bless Betty for all her efforts, because slowly this concept sank it, and I'm much better now at live and let live, and let go and let God. I'm also adopting the phrase, bless them, change me. All good stuff found on MIP from alanon! Thanks.
Thanks Paul and everyone. Really trying to find a comfortable space to be in with this one at the moment; I reached out to my brother recently to invite him to do something with me. I hadn't seen or spoken to him since he called me drunk out of his mind on drugs months ago. Rather than tell him he had to be sober, I just made plans with him, celebrated the fact that he actually called me back and had a sensible conversation, and asked my mother to advise me if he's drunk/affected on the day so I can cancel meeting up with him. I feel like that was a reasonable way to protect myself without trying to force solutions. I really worry sometimes about how long it will still be possible to speak to him at all without a ouija board and I'd rather enjoy whatever lucid communication I can have with him without pushing him away by trying to "help". None of that stops me hoping for a miracle though, whatever that might look like for him.
